How often have you hear someone say they want their relationship with (fill in the blank) to get better. The key ingredient for any relationship to improve lies in our communication. To improve either verbal or written communication skills we must do what we do in any other sphere where we want to get better. PRACTICE! Below we have put together communication exercises for couples to get better at communication. Let’s Dive In!
Why do communication skills matter in a relationship?
We express our wants and needs through communication. Regardless of if we are at work, out with friends or with a loved one, we need to have good communication skills to have what we want. The more intimate the relationship the more important communication becomes. For instance couples communication matters more because they spend so much time together. If they do not have healthy communication they relationship will fail.
What is communication?
To realize the value of communication, we must first define it. Not just humans communicate. Other primates chat. Animals communicate with each other. Dolphins are known for their sonar and telepathic thinking projection. A cursory look at animal communication shows that vocal communication, what we term communication in English, is merely one method humans communicate information to one other.
Communication is the way humans and other organisms express emotions, thoughts, or ideas. Communicating does not necessitate language or speech. Although they cannot write or form words, apes and other animals are able to communicate through both verbal and nonverbal cues.
Why should you use communication exercises?
If you are like most couples, chances are when you try to communicate with your partner, you may find that you don’t feel heard, misunderstand each other, or the conversation becomes tense or conflictual.
Whenever we misunderstand or feel misunderstood it blocks communication. A healthy relationship needs two people that can listen well, communicate their feelings and respond respectfully. The assertive communication exercises below will show you how to do just that!
Related Reading: How to navigate misunderstandings in a relationship
Are there guidelines for communication exercises?
Before we dive into these communication exercises you should know the rules.
Time Frame: Each communication exercise will take approximately 30 minutes, for a total of 3 hours. These couples therapy exercises may be completed in one extended sitting (although I do not recommend), or it may be completed in three sittings, in which you learn how to mirror, validate, and empathize in separate steps.
Agreement: Agree in advance on a place and time to start these communication exercises. Remember you will want to be well rested and free from any distractions. If you are tired, hungry, stressed, etc. you should delay attempting these communication exercises as they will only result in poor communication.
Body Language: A large part of active listening is conveyed through your body language. Let your non-verbal body language show your partner that you are open and receptive to hearing and experiencing their message to you. Remember to be nonjudgmental and nonintrusive. You want to learn what is in your partner’s head and heart, so clear away your thoughts and prepare to enter your partner’s experience.
Make A Decision: Decide who will be the Sender and who will be the Receiver. Follow the instructions for Parts I, II, and III. Then, in Part IV, reverse roles so the Sender becomes the Receiver, and vice versa. Finally, talk about the experience you’ve both had sending and receiving.
Just FYI
Our marriage communication exercises emphasize the importance of a dialogue framework to help partners create a more conscious relationship. At its heart, healthy communication gives both people permission to be who they are and be accepted for they you are.
This permission and acceptance creates safety in your relationship, and safety is a precondition for receiving love. The communication skills that you will learn are: mirroring, validating, and empathizing.
In any given conversation, any or all of these communication skills might be present, though mirroring is the most fundamental and the most frequent. These marriage communication exercises are structured to ensure you hear what the other person is saying and share in each other’s feelings.
How to improve communication skills with your partner?
Below are three relationship communication exercises that couples can use to improve communication. If you practice and leverage these relationship communication exercises, a couple will witness their verbal communication skyrocket, and their nonverbal communication feel effortless. These questions are adopted from couples therapy exercises but can be used without a licensed professional counselor present. Happy learning!
1. Learn To Mirror
The assertive communication exercise for mirroring should take about 30 minutes.
The objectives of this communication exercise are as follows:
- Learn to listen accurately to what your partner is saying.
- Create safety in your relationship.
- Improve communication through clarity.
- Learn a key tactic to have deescalate conflict and have a stress reducing conversation.
What Is Mirroring?
Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back the content of a message. Repeating the content accurately is called flat mirroring. Flat mirroring can be more complex than it sounds. In a romantic relationship it is common for one partner to mirror back a little more than what was said or a little less. A person who gives back a little more is doing convex mirroring. A person who gives back less by zeroing in on one point that interests them and ignores the rest is doing concave mirroring.
What Is Convex Mirroring?
In most couples communication they repeat what the other partner said through convex mirroring- hence they add something (like their own feelings), conscious or not, after shaping and interpreting what they believe to be the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
An example of convex mirroring is the wife who mirrors back to her husband: “So you’re feeling guilty that you came home late for dinner,” when what the husband said was, “I’m sorry I didn’t start for home sooner because the traffic was so bad.”
What Is Concave Mirroring?
When a partner practices concave mirroring (usually guys) they often highlight the one thing they think is essential but usually they leave out what their partner actually thinks is most important.
An example of concave mirroring is the husband who responds to his wife’s difficulty with a car problem by saying, “So, you’re telling me you couldn’t figure out what was wrong with your car,” when what his wife said was, “I’m delighted that I was able to get the car to the garage for repair today.”
The Issue With Convex Mirroring or Concave Mirroring
Both convex and concave mirroring are negative communication habits in a relationship. When we paraphrase, we state in our own words what we think another person is saying. But we often assume we know what the other person is saying when we don’t. We are just guessing.
We may be good guessers, and we may be right most of the time, but unless we check whether we’ve got it right, the danger exists that we will misunderstand. Needless to say if our interpretation is based on errors of understanding, then our interpretation will be wrong.
What is the best type of Mirroring? – Flat Mirroring
In contrast, flat mirroring drastically can improve communication as it lets a partner know that you are willing to put aside your thoughts and feelings to understand the other’s point of view. For most people, this is a rare moment of self-transcendence. It is also a moment that creates safety and a deeper emotional connection in your relationship. Ready to practice a communication exercise?
How to use flat mirroring?
Step 1.
Choose who will be the Sender and the Receiver.
Step 2.
The Sender begins with something positive, such as appreciating something the Receiver has done or said. It can be as simple as, “Thank you for setting aside this time for us to talk.” Then, the Sender conveys what he wants to say as clearly as possible.
The message should start with “I” and describe the Sender’s thoughts or feelings. For this first exercise, choose a neutral message while you are learning the technique. Examples of neutral subjects are:
- What happened at work today?
- How do you feel about the movie you saw last night?
- What do you want to accomplish in the next few hours?
- What struck you in the magazine article you just read?
Example of Flat Mirroring: Jen sent this message to her husband, Jake: “The weather is nice this morning. I want to get out into the yard and do some gardening.”
Step 3.
The Receiver then mirrors back what they just heard the Sender say. The Receiver will find it helpful to use this sentence stem: “If I understand what you just said” (and then mirror). The Receiver then checks to see whether they have mirrored accurately by asking, “Did I get it right?” If the Sender indicates they heard accurately, the Receiver asks, “Is there more you want to say about that?” If the Sender has more to say, let them add to the message.
The Receiver continues to mirror and ask, “Is there more you want to say about that?” until the Sender has completed the message. The question, “Is there more you want to say about that?” is very important.
It helps the Sender complete all his or her thoughts and feelings and prevents the Receiver from responding to an incomplete message. Also, since it is limited to “more about that,” it helps the Sender limit the message to one subject at a time.
Example of Flat Mirroring (Cont.): If Jake mirrors what Jen said it would go like this: “If I got what you just said, you want to go out and do some gardening because the weather is nice this morning. Did I get that right?” Jen responds: “Yes, you got it.”
Jake says, “Is there more you want to say about that?” Jen may say “Yes” and say more, or she may say “No,” finishing this part of the dialogue.
Step 4.
When the Sender has completed the message, the Receiver summarizes the Sender’s entire message with this sentence stem: “Let me see if I got all of that…” When the Receiver finishes the summary, they should check for accuracy with this sentence: “Did I get it all?”
The summary is critical because it helps the Receiver understand the Sender more profoundly and see the logic in what was said. This helps with validation, which is the next step. When the Sender acknowledges that the entire message has been heard accurately, the Receiver can move on to validating.
2. Learn to Validate
The communication exercise for validating should take about 30 minutes.
The objectives of this couples communication exercise are as follows:
- Create safety in your relationship.
- Develop clear communication and deeper emotional connection.
- Understand and validate your partner’s point of view, whether you agree with it or not.
What Is Validating?
Validating is the process of indicating to another person that what they said makes sense. You are setting aside your own frame of reference and appreciating the logic, the reality, and the worth of another within his or her frame of reference.
Your words tell your partner that their way of looking at things is valid. To validate your partner’s experience does not mean that you necessarily agree with your partner or that their thoughts and feelings reflect your own.
It means that you surrender your place at the center of and source of “truth” and allow space for your partner’s interpretation of reality. When you mirror and validate your partner, you are setting up the conditions that will enable them to meet their basic needs for self-expression. As a result, the trust and closeness between you will grow.
How To Use Validation
Step 1. The Receiver validates the Sender’s message by beginning with one of the following sentence stems:
- You make sense, because…
- That makes sense to me, given that…
- I can see what you are saying…
Example of Validation: Using the example of Jake and Jen above, Jake might validate what Jen told him by saying, “I can see what you are saying. It’s so beautiful out. It makes sense that you would want to do some gardening.” This response indicates that Jake understands the logic of what Jen is saying. It acknowledges Jen’s “truth.”
This example is so neutral that there isn’t much that Jake and Jen can take issue with. Most of the time, though, dialogue is used to talk about issues that are more emotional or full of conflict. The challenge for the Receiver is to remember that it doesn’t matter whether they agree with the Sender.
What matters is that the Receiver acknowledges the logic or “truth” of the Sender’s experience. The message has to be that the Sender is not illogical or (insert another choice word). Therefore, using the phrase “makes sense” is helpful to indicate when you are validating.
Step 2. The Receiver should check to see if the Sender feels validated by asking, “Do you feel that I have validated you?” If so, the Receiver moves on to empathy, the final step.
3. Learn To Empathize
The communication exercise for showing empathy should take about 30 minutes.
The objectives of this communication exercise are as follows:
- Create safety in your relationship.
- Learn a key tool for active listening.
- Express empathy for your partner’s feelings.
What Is Empathizing?
Empathizing is the process of recognizing the feelings of another person while they express a point of view or tell a story.
What Are The Two Levels Of Empathy?
On the first level we reflect on and imagine the feelings another person is expressing. On the second and more profound level, we experience emotionally—actually feeling—what they are experiencing.
Such empathic experiences heal and transform themselves, independent of what is communicated. Both participants transcend their separateness during these moments and experience a genuine meeting of minds and hearts.
When you engage in dialogue with your partner, you understand your partner, and at least for a moment, you see the world through his or her eyes.
How To Use Empathy
Step 1.
Empathy can be expressed with the following sentence: “I can imagine that you might be feeling…” If the Sender’s report is about the past, the Receiver can say: “I can imagine that you might have felt…”
These sentences can be used if the Sender has not openly expressed feelings. If the Sender has expressed feelings, the Receiver can say: “I can see that you are feeling…” Feelings are best stated using one word: angry, sad, upset, happy, and so on.
If you use more than one word, such as “you feel you don’t want to go to work,” you are probably expressing a thought.
Example of Empathy: Sam does not want his wife Catherine to stop being a stay-at-home mom and return to work, but he demonstrates that he is sensitive to how she is experiencing full-time parenting. He says, “I can see how trapped you feel at home these days. You must be missing the camaraderie and challenge of working.”
Step 2.
Since one never knows for sure what another person is feeling, it is essential to check for accuracy by saying, “Is that what you are feeling?” or, “Did I get your feeling right?”
If the Receiver did not imagine the right feeling or misperceived the expressed feeling, then the Sender should say what they arefeeling. Also, if the Sender shares other feelings that the Receiver did not pick up, the Receiver should mirror those feelings and ask, “Is there more about those feelings?”
Example of Empathy (Cont.): Sam should check to see whether his perceptions of Catherine’s feelings are on target or not. He can say, “I want to be sure that I am understanding you correctly. Am I right that you wish you were back in your old office with your friends?” After Catherine responds to his question, he gives her the chance to elaborate by saying, “Is there more you want to tell me about this?”
4. Learn To Take Turns Communicating
Plan for 60–90 minutes where you take turns in the above communication exercises for couples. If a couple can practice communication exercises they will:
- Create a healthy relationship by developing superior communication skills.
- Know how to use active listening.
- Learn how to communicate effectively with each other
- Ability to implement healthy communication exercises
- Express empathy for your partner’s feelings.
- Learn to have a stress reducing conversation
- Practice and reinforce their communication skills by working from different perspectives.
How to take turns communicating?
Step 1. Once all the communication exercises for couples are completed the partners exchange roles. Start by expressing gratitude for each other (note before switching only use positive statements). If you need water or the bathroom, now is the time.
Step 2: The Receiver indicates they have something to communicate by saying, “I would like to respond now.” Then, the Receiver becomes the Sender, and the Sender becomes the Receiver.
The Sender (former Re-Receiver) may respond to the message they heard or may express feelings or thoughts about something entirely different. The same three processes of mirroring, validating, and empathizing are repeated until the Sender is satisfied they have been heard and understood.
Step 3. When it’s your turn to listen, give your partner your full attention. Remember you nonverbal communication matters. Mirror what your partner is saying until you get it. Then, validate their point of view and communicate empathy.
You may ask clarifying questions, but do not try to analyze your partner, make interpretations, or express frustrations or criticisms. As you listen, try to visualize your partner’s issues with giving and receiving.
When it’s your turn to speak, you give yourself to your partner and help them to become more prominent by taking in your reality. There is security in knowing that you can express your thoughts and feelings as often as it takes for your partner to hear and understand you.
What To Do After Completing The Couple Communication Exercises?
First off great job! You should be proud of the work the two of you did. Know that learning and being comfortable with these couple communication exercises takes a long time. The more you practice, the more natural this form of communication will become.
Every time you practice these couples communication exercises you have a choice about how to arrange it. In the same practice session, you can do all three steps of mirroring, validating, and empathizing. Alternatively, you can practice mirroring in one session and validating and empathizing separately.
After you have completed this session, set a goal of engaging in at least one additional dialogue this week or next. Choose a neutral subject for this dialogue. A neutral subject, such as what happened in your day or what you hope to accomplish during the day, allows you to focus on practicing dialogue without being distracted by emotional content.
Stretch yourself toward being open to your partner’s experience without interference from your ideas and judgments.
Related Reading: 71 Questions to practice your new communication techniques
Conclusion- Using these skills
It’s important to note that the above communication exercises can be used in any relationship. Leveraging these exercises in different relationships gives you a chance to practice. Know that communication excels when it is involved at the level of both the head and the heart.
As you listen carefully to the content of what someone is saying, your goal is to mirror accurately what you have heard. Then, as you validate your their point of view, and move into connected knowing as you allow yourself to connect with your their reality.
Finally, expressing empathy helps you achieve an even deeper level of connected knowing by opening yourself to other’s feelings. The experience of empathy allows you to participate in the joy and pain of people by transcending the boundaries that can so easily divide the two of you.
Know that sometimes in couples therapy we hear that this communication style feels like an unnatural, cumbersome way of relating. You can expect it to feel mechanical at first. But learning the steps and practicing them whenever possible will bring you great rewards.
Dialogue will help you appreciate the uniqueness of each of you while, at the same time, drawing you closer together. When you can successfully implement these communication exercises for couples as a natural part of your relationship, you will be less reactive, feel more emotionally safe, and experience a much deeper level of connection.
