His Needs, Her Needs

If you’re married, we’re sure this will come as no surprise to you: Men and women view sex differently. Very differently. 

This is the material that fuels articles in Cosmo magazine, a plethora of books, TV sitcoms, and stand-up comedy routines. Popular TV sitcoms like ‘Everybody Loves Raymond,’ ‘That ’90s Show,’ and ‘The King of Queens,’ among many others from the 90s and 2000s, were successful precisely because their writers grasped the significant distinctions between genders and skillfully used them for comedic effect.

However, due to the frequency of this message, many partners begin to disregard it, nodding their heads and muttering something along the lines of, “I get it. We’re different.” 

In certain aspects of marriage, our disparities don’t carry much weight, like spouses having distinct communication styles or indulging in different hobbies. However, because our sexual engagement resonates with us profoundly, these differences can occasionally lead to discord.

However, it’s crucial to acknowledge that the differences between males and females were intentionally designed. These disparities should be celebrated rather than overlooked. Imagine how different our lives would be if males and females had identical appearances, thought patterns, emotions, and reactions.

Our differences lend depth, variety, and a sense of thrill and happiness to our marriages. It’s by design that males and females are not identical. However, these variations also present their own set of challenges.

We must identify these differences and comprehend how to manage them within our individual, marital relationships.

It’s well established that our brains and sexual organs function differently. Men are typically stimulated visually; a mere glance at his wife can arouse a husband. Women, on the other hand, are slightly more intricate. They require a more nuanced approach to arousal, often referred to as being ‘warmed up’ or foreplay.

According to sexual health experts and research findings, women may take up to thirty minutes to become fully aroused during sexual activity. You might be familiar with the analogies often used to describe male and female sexual responses, likening them to microwaves and slow cookers, respectively.

Research indicates that the frequency of sexual thoughts can vary significantly between genders, with some studies suggesting that men might contemplate sex every seventeen seconds while women might do so every seventeen days or even every seventeen years in some instances! Although these figures represent the extremes, they underscore a clear difference. It’s important to note that this disparity is persistent and unlikely to alter.

Women, by nature, may not contemplate sex as often as men do, but this doesn’t imply that they are prudish. Similarly, the fact that men think about sex frequently doesn’t classify them as perverts. It’s merely a reflection of how differently each gender is wired.

But we know that already, right? 

However, if our unique wiring and its implications are so widely understood, and if we are so aware of why our wiring is so diverse, then:

• Why does it continue to pose challenges in many marriages? 

• Why do spouses act surprised or dismayed by this revelation as though it’s a novel or negative development? 

• Why do we let these differences hinder us from cultivating robust sexual relationships?

How We Are Wired?

In numerous counseling sessions, we’ve discovered that the issue isn’t a lack of awareness about gender differences among couples. The real challenge is that, despite recognizing these differences, many individuals don’t invest time to understand, value, and embrace these variations as beneficial and worthwhile.

Many of us never take the time to study, appreciate, and pursue those differences as being good and worthy. 

Rather, numerous couples persist in expecting that the wife will react in the same way as the husband, and vice versa, that the husband will respond like the wife.

The common belief that treating one’s spouse how one wishes to be treated will lead to happiness and a satisfying sexual relationship is a widespread misconception.

If you’ve subscribed to this thought process, allow us to clarify: This scenario is flat out false! No ifs, ands, or buts about it. It’s as straightforward as that.

So what should a couple do? 

Does this mean they should settle for a dull or even absent sexual life? Absolutely not!

In our own marital journey, every time we’ve adopted the Golden Rule strategy, we’ve encountered our differences. However, these instances serve as excellent cues to understand and value the unique attributes of each other.

God created us uniquely but also designed us to be harmonious – to counterbalance each other, to mesh together, to unify us into one entity.

The thrilling truth about sexual intimacy is that our differences, crafted by God, are intended to add a dash of excitement!

In the end, these variations educate us on how to cater to the other person’s needs. By providing our partners with what they genuinely need – not what we perceive they want or require – we embody God’s blueprint for sexual intimacy. The gratification comes when we, as a couple, encounter genuine closeness together.

By catering to our spouse’s actual needs, rather than what we believe they want or require, we are fulfilling God’s intended plan for sexual intimacy.

We must understand that our varying methods of approaching sexual intimacy are acceptable and normal because we were intentionally created to be unique by God. And that’s a positive aspect.

We often expend unnecessary time and effort attempting to mold our partners into replicas of ourselves sexually. No wonder we’re left feeling frustrated and dissatisfied with our intimate lives! Instead of letting this lead to frustration, resentment, distancing, or sulking, seize these moments to acknowledge that our approaches to intimacy will naturally differ.

The reality is that we often want the same things. 

Regardless of whether we’re male or female, our profound longing is ultimately to unite as one. He desires physical intimacy; she craves the same. 

He might yearn for physical intimacy more frequently, while she might seek emotional closeness more intensely. However, when a couple can harmoniously blend physical and emotional intimacy, they unlock the route to exceptional sexual experiences.

To meet our needs, we have to meet our spouses’ needs. 

Ultimately, they are intertwined. This doesn’t imply that men solely crave the physical aspect and women only desire the emotional connection. 

Simply put, God has designed us to achieve both physical and emotional intimacy, but from two unique approaches. But how did God accomplish this? 

He made a man feel bonded with his wife through the experience of orgasm. The act of physical intimacy opens up his emotions, making him more susceptible to vulnerability. It provides him with a feeling of closeness and intimacy, enabling him to focus more on his emotional state.

God has designed a woman to feel bonded with her husband through the experience of emotional connectivity. This emotional bond provides her with a sense of security, which in turn makes her more open and comfortable with physical intimacy.

God designed husbands and wives to balance each other: A husband draws his wife into intimacy through physical closeness, while a wife entices her husband into intimacy through emotional bonding.

Together, they make a satisfying whole. 

In essence, through sexual intimacy, which encompasses both emotional and physical connection, God encourages us to show our vulnerability and devote ourselves to one another.

He encourages men to establish an emotional bond with their wives to satisfy their physical desires, and he prompts women to engage physically with their husbands to meet their emotional needs. This dynamic undoubtedly involves a measure of tension, but it also adds an exhilarating element to foreplay!

What Do Husbands and Wives Really Need?    

It’s common knowledge that men are visually stimulated and can achieve physical arousal relatively easily and swiftly. On the other hand, women’s arousal is more intricate, requiring emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual harmony to reach a state of physical excitement.

But what exactly are our sex needs? 

A recent study sought to understand the primary aspects of sexual needs that husbands and wives wish their spouses understood. This survey involved over seven hundred married couples from across the country. The results were not only surprising but also provided insightful revelations.

Top Five Sex Needs of Men and Women    

Men’s Sex Needs  

1. Shared gratification

2. Bonding

3. Wife’s receptiveness

4. Wife’s initiation

5. Validation/ Affirmation

Women’s Sex Needs   

1. Validation/ Affirmation

2. Bonding/ Real Connection

3. Non-intimate touch

4. Spiritual closeness

5. Romantic gestures

Did any of these results surprise you? 

No matter your current relationship status with your spouse, dedicating yourselves to fulfilling each other’s sexual needs will bring about transformation in your bond. This change may not be evident the first time you emotionally connect with your wife or initiate sex with your husband for the second time. However, persistent efforts coupled with a positive attitude will undoubtedly lead to a favorable shift.

It simply takes commitment. 

Before you begin addressing your spouse’s needs, take into account these three factors:

1. Think about your commitment level. 

How prepared are you to persistently strive to meet your spouse’s sexual needs? If your mindset is, “I will if they will,” then you may see some changes, but you’ll be perpetually trying to keep a score to maintain balance. 

While this might result in temporary sexual satisfaction, maintaining that level of pleasure and tranquility, in the long run, can be challenging.

You might question, “Why should I be the one to put in all the effort? That’s not fair!” 

You’re correct if you’re considering this from a short-term perspective. However, accommodating your spouse’s sexual needs necessitates long-term planning. Someone has to take the first step. If both of you stubbornly resist initiating change, then your situation will remain stagnant.

You might also wonder, “What’s the benefit for me? What if I satisfy my spouse’s sexual needs, but they don’t reciprocate?” Even though it may not seem like your needs are being fulfilled at first, the more dedicated you are, the more likely you’ll notice your spouse becoming more receptive and willing to cater to them.

2. Talk to your spouse. 

Select a date night to have an open conversation about sexual needs with your spouse. Seek answers through questions and sincerely absorb the responses. The aim here is not to convince your spouse or to articulate why you disagree with their perspective. Instead, your objective should be to comprehend and appreciate your spouse’s needs from their viewpoint.

Keep in mind, your spouse’s responses are not a prompt to argue about your differences.

Once you’ve listened, restate your spouse’s answers to make sure you have heard and understood correctly. If you’ve never talked together about sex, now is a great time to start. 

We believe that having a conversation about your sexual life is so crucial that, despite any discomfort, it’s a must! Commit to stepping beyond your comfort zone to discuss it, no matter how exhausted you may feel. If necessary, schedule another date night to carry on the conversation.

Not sure how to begin talking about sex? Begin by asking these questions:    

What are your five most important sexual needs? 

How do these needs manifest in our everyday life? 

If you could choose one thing from your list that you’d like me to fulfill next week, what would it be? 

How would you feel if I consistently met that need along with others? How can I assist you in satisfying your sexual needs? 

Is there any aspect of sex that you absolutely detest? 

What aspects of sex make you feel uneasy?

Recommended Reading: Understanding & Breaking The Lack Of Intimacy Cycle