In our first year of marriage, we argued every day. Our fights were so intense that, more often than not, Joshua slept on the couch. We were what you would call a high-conflict couple. The negativity in our relationship created a vicious cycle of reactivity that sometimes overwhelmed our relationship. We decided to go to dialectical behavior therapy aka dbt treatment programs. This blog is a 6 step guide to finding peace for couples with high conflict.
What Made Us A High Conflict Couple?
1. High Conflict Couples Fight Early and Often
We frequently argued; these fights were marked by intense, uncontrollable, and deeply damaging statements.
Our disputes were complex and convoluted, leaving lasting wounds. It felt like a never-ending cycle – no sooner had we resolved one issue than another would crop up. During these heated exchanges, we’d lose control, both in our actions, words, and emotions.
Our reactions during these conflicts were often extreme, filled with feelings of betrayal, rage, and despair. After arguing for what felt like hours, we’d feel detached, emotionally drained, and disconnected from ourselves and each other.
Related Reading: 20 Tips For Managing Conflict
2. High Conflict Couples Never Reach A Resolution
Our conversations seemed to shift gears rapidly, accelerating from calm to hostile in mere moments. Attempts at conflict resolution often backfired, adding fuel to the already blazing argument. Apologies, instead of healing wounds, often got lost in translation, while our good intentions appeared inconsequential or ineffective. It almost felt as if contention was an inevitable part of our relationship’s fabric.
Related Reading: How To Navigate Anger In A Healthy Way
3. High Conflict Couples Argue To Win
We often found ourselves uttering words and committing deeply hurtful actions during our arguments. In the aftermath, we were left feeling a mix of confusion, shame for our behavior, and pain from our partner’s actions. Given the severity of the harsh words and unpleasant behaviors that characterized our fights, moving past this high conflict, even when it was “resolved,” posed a real challenge. Neither of us knew how to forgive each other for what the other said and did.
Our unfortunate reality was that some of the actions taken and words spoken appeared to be beyond forgiveness.
How Did We Turn Our Relationship Around?
Before we could improve our relationship, it was crucial to halt the same actions that caused the damage. Over the next few segments, we’ll share the steps given in dialectical behavior therapy for high conflict couples which will:
-
Foster the motivation to stop harmful behaviors.
-
Provide ways to break our negative reactions and curb impulses that may be destructive to the relationship.
-
Learn how to weather these damaging urges without giving in to them.
Related Reading: 71 Questions Couples Are Asked In TherapyStep #1 For A High Conflict Couple: Commit
The first step in dialectical behavior therapy for a high conflict couple is to commit to self-control. By definition, when you are out of control, you are not using logic or any other helpful process enough. Commitment means practicing alternative reactions ahead of time until they become automatic.
Then, as you start to become out of control, this new automatic behavior appears. In a way, commitment gives you self-control.
Imagine you wanted to run a marathon but never ran more than three kilometers. The reality is no matter how much you want to keep running; you will be unable to as your body will not perform.
You would need to commit to running the marathon, which would get you out of bed early every day for months to work out, to practice. With enough commitment, you would engage in enough practice so that when your body started to fade, you could keep running, despite the pain.
In high-conflict couples, chances are that even as you practice something new, the old reaction is also competing with the new one. You might react either way.
In situations of high negative emotion, when it is harder to do the new behavior, you are likely to think, “I don’t really care about that.” In this emotional state, you fail to see the consequences of your actions.
So, getting to a balanced place in your mind, one in which you are broadly aware of your real relationship goals and not just your painful emotion, is essential.
Through commitment (remembering your relationship goals and practicing even though it is difficult) and mindfully observing your urges instead of giving in to them or believing them (even when they scream at you), you can coach yourself through it.
Step # 2 For A High Conflict Couple: See The Pain
The second step in dialectical behavior therapy for high-conflict couples, is to acknowledge the pain we cause. We often overlook how being nasty, invalidating, or critical toward your partner, no matter what they just did, will only make your relationship worse. Or, we think that when they do these kinds of things to us that you have a “right” to respond with similar behavior (that they “deserve it”)?
Most of us know it is not effective to be nasty. But there are times when we get judgmental and self-righteous. The trouble here is that so much of our language and culture supports us in escalating when someone has “violated our rights.”
Unsurprisingly, we then describe things in terms of right and wrong, even with our loved ones. However, if you truly adopt a mindful stance toward your partner, you will see that you are both doing the same thing.
They think you deserve it, and you think your partner deserves it. How could this possibly be resolved unless one (and eventually both) of you step back mindfully and see that, as Gandhi said, “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind”?
After all, do you really want to hurt your partner? You know how much they hurt you. Do you really want to cause that much pain to your beloved?
Recognize that, in your heart and soul, you love this person and want to get along better, not worse; hurting them is hurting yourself and continuing the unending agony of reciprocal retribution. You can stop it!
Step #3 For A High Conflict Couple: NEW NORMAL
Step number 3 in dialectical behavior therapy for a high conflict couple is creating a new reality. Together they can do this by:
1. Focusing on the consequences of continuing to fight. Notice the consequences of attacking back. Of course, it is painful when your partner verbally attacks you. Recognize that by responding, you are almost guaranteeing more volleys in your direction, the negative cycle will continue, and another fight will pass without either of you finding peace.
2. Think about a specific thing you did in a recent argument to make things worse. Really notice how what you did, however reasonable in a right-wrong sense (ordinary conversation), made things worse and got you less of what you really want (peace, less conflict, more love). Practice this several times, each time recognizing the folly of thinking that you had a “right” to act that way.
Are You Asking Me To Surrender?
I was raised believing that if I was attacked, I needed to attack back! Hence in my marriage, I continued fighting to the death. In our dbt treatment programs, we learned that this belief often was associated with individuals with mental health difficulties such as borderline personality disorder.
When treating borderline personality disorder, you learn that letting your emotions run rampant damages others and ultimately does the most damage to yourself.
Hence, what I realized was that defeating Joshua was also self-defeating. I realized that I thought of my marriage in “win-lose” thinking (which really means “lose-lose”) and recognized that not attacking is a win-win-win situation: you preserve your self-respect and your relationship, and your partner emerges less trampled. Nobody loses.
Step #4 For A High Conflict Couple: Learn Your Triggers
Step 4 in dialectical behavior therapy for a high conflict couple is all about triggers. In dialectical behavior therapy we learn that triggers play a major role in our guide to finding peace. Here is what this looks like:
1. Identify as many triggers as you can for your impulsive reactions. Write them down.
2. Come up with a list of things that you can do immediately while under verbal attack to tolerate it without attacking back. What can you say to yourself? What can you focus on? What would be distracting (from your urge to retaliate) or soothing (of your fraying emotions)?
3. Now, practice putting these things together. Imagine the trigger, and then imagine that you provide the alternative, less hostile, and more constructive response. Keep practicing.
Step #5 For A High Conflict Couple: PRACTICE RESPONDING
Step 5 in dialectical behavior therapy for high-conflict couples is to practice imagining themselves stepping back when their partner verbally attacks them. Then notice how they would react if you did so strictly according to what you want (love, closeness, understanding).
Even if you are highly committed to stop making things worse in conflict situations, you still need to practice a host of skills needed to stop. When enduring a verbal attack from your spouse, our reactions feel impulsive, like an unpredictable and overbearing urge.
However, realistically, a lot of these situations are quite predictable. How many times have you had that fight? How many times has your partner said that particular hurtful and provocative thing? Look descriptively at previous problems: what did your partner do that resulted in your emotions going through the roof to the point where you had urges to retaliate? We will call those things triggers because they trigger your response.
Rehearse a New Emotional Response
The dialectical behavior therapy guide teaches us that once you have identified typical triggers, they will be less potent, as you can start to anticipate that your partner will repeat them, this technique is also used for treating those with borderline personality disorder or working with those that are overcoming mental health difficulties.
In a way, every time you imagine your partner saying that trigger and imagine that you respond in a kind way, you are reconditioning the trigger because you are changing the cycle. So, identify as many triggers as you can.
The idea is not that these triggers cause your response, but rather that the cycle is now automatic (she says X, you say Y; he says A, you say B). It’s a learned habit, much like reciting the alphabet. If someone literally says “A, B,C, D, E, F” and then suddenly stops, years of practice may cause you to say “G” in response.
But imagine that you find out that saying “G” now causes an explosion! You need to stop saying “G” and do something else. What else? The effective thing to do is anything that brings your arousal down and helps you respond differently.
There are many strategies for tolerating distress in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that might be helpful in these situations (Linehan 1993b).
For example, you can distract yourself away from the argument by doing something else (take a walk, read, engage in other activities that are physically active or relaxing), look for spiritual soothing (say a little prayer, remember your values), do something soothing to your senses(listen to quiet music, eat comfort food, read a pleasant story or poem), or do something social (call a friend, send an e-mail).
Some of these things you can do quickly, but in others, you will simply have to plan to do after successfully ending the interaction without responding negatively.
Once you have identified the typical triggers and also identified more helpful alternatives, you can put them together. Imagine a trigger, imagine remembering your goal (not to make things worse, that you love this person, that responding in a negative way just keeps the negative cycle going), and imagine responding in a self-respecting and respectful way.
Step #6 For A High Conflict Couple: Rehearse The Ending
Step 6 in dialectical behavior therapy for a high conflict couple is finding a new normal that is not conflict. One of the biggest problems with being upset or overwhelmed is that we can’t think well. In these moments, it can feel like we have borderline personality disorder.
We often cannot find useful words that would improve the situation, so we end up on autopilot, and instead of controlling our emotions, we spew out the same destructive responses that have not worked.
In treating borderline personality disorder or working with those that are overcoming mental health difficulties, we teach patients to actually memorize a line or two that will help them end the conflict gracefully. Here are some distress tolerance techniques from the dialectical behavior therapy guide to consider including:
-
Observing that you are fighting and disclosing that you don’t want to.
-
Disclosing that you are sad or feel some other primary emotion.
-
Disclosing that you love him or her and don’t want to continue down this negative path.
-
Disclosing that you care a lot about your partner and want to understand but are overwhelmed right now.
-
Suggesting that you take a break and come back to the conversation later.
Of course, whatever you say needs to be in your own words, but the essence of these distress tolerance techniques from the dialectical behavior therapy guide is to craft a response while staying reasonably calm and describing something about your genuine goals and feelings rather than telling the other person what she or he is doing wrong.
Joshua and I fought in such a nasty way that it took days for us to recover to the point where we could even look at each other. We both learned how to hurt the other and which buxttons to push to create the most suffering and biggest reaction.
Of course, hurting the other was not our initial goal. In dialectical behavior therapy, we both discussed how we longed to return to the earlier form of our relationship when we were each other’s best friends, could count on each other for soothing and support, and had a lot of fun together.
Our therapist gave us distress tolerance techniques from the dialectical behavior therapy guide and this one specifically stands out, as we are arguing, you pause and say:
“I miss you. This fighting is so hard on me. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Can we take a break and come back later when we’re both calmed down and can be nicer?”
What we found is that when the time came, we were surprised at how hard it was to resist the urge to yell back at each other. Having practiced, we managed to ride out the urge, remembering our good times together and our commitment to turn our high conflict around.
When one of us finally got the words out, we were always a bit surprised and very relieved that the other agreed.
We learned to stop what was sure to be another three days in hell and instead take a very different path toward understanding each other and finding peace with each other. From one High Conflict Couple to the next we want to encourage you that YOU TOO CAN DO THE SAME!
We went through high-conflict dialectical behavior therapy so that you didn’t have to! Use this blog as your own guide to finding peace in your relationship!
Alan Fruzzetti is the research director and member of the board of directors of the National Educational Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder and a codeveloper of the Family Connections Program
