Breakthrough: Why Healing Happens In Relationships

The fate of any relationship hinges on the delicate balance of honest sharing. Our ability to authentically engage with one another determines whether a relationship blossoms, thrives, evolves, withers, stagnates, and fades into the background.

Relationships are born from individuals’ proximity and sustained presence in each other’s lives. From this physical closeness emerges what we define as a relationship—a dynamic interplay of interactions, emotions, and shared experiences. When this exchange is genuine and heartfelt, it triggers profound healing transformations within our nervous system and our soul.

Our souls find solace in these spaces of authentic connection, and our beings resonate with happiness, purpose, and a sense of fulfillment. Such encounters have the power to transcend the mundane, offering glimpses into realms of ecstasy and spiritual transcendence.

This article delves into the profound reasons healing happens in relationships.

How do genuine connections transform our lives?

The depth of our connection with others directly impacts how happy we feel. And this connection is built on honest sharing. Just being physically close isn’t enough to create true intimacy. It’s when we openly share our thoughts and feelings that our relationships thrive. This deep level of connection is what brings couples together.

We’ve reached a pinnacle in life when we experience this kind of intimacy. We’ve learned to love and be loved, letting go of barriers to fully embrace our partner and life. It’s like finding paradise right here on Earth.

Related Reading: How To Be Vulnerable With Your Spouse 

How does understanding emotional distance enhance relationship dynamics?

In every relationship, there exists an inherent distance between partners. This distance is often established unconsciously, stemming from past experiences and childhood upbringing. 

Despite outward appearances, both partners typically harbor similar emotional patterns and needs regarding closeness and distance, though these may manifest differently on the surface. 

For instance, one partner may actively seek closeness while the other tends to withdraw. However, at a deeper level, both individuals experience a shared sense of closeness and distance, each influenced by their unique histories and emotional dynamics.

Understanding this shared dynamic is crucial for nurturing a fulfilling partnership. Rather than focusing on who takes on which role within the relationship, the key lies in fostering honest and open communication. Couples can cultivate a deeper connection and strengthen their bond by acknowledging and addressing the underlying emotional distances.

Unlocking Relationship Success: The Power of Healing from Childhood Wounds

Creating fulfilling relationships should be straightforward, yet it often proves challenging due to lingering negative experiences from early life. These experiences, whether categorized as profound trauma or seemingly insignificant, leave behind habits and patterns instilled by caregivers.

These ingrained behaviors inevitably create friction within ourselves and our subconscious, influencing the dynamics of our relationships. Failed relationships are stark reminders of the unresolved issues we carry from our past. The patterns that contributed to these failures persist until addressed. 

Thus, the difference between successful and unsuccessful relationships lies in the level of healing both partners have achieved or are actively pursuing. Finding healing from childhood issues is integral to cultivating a happy and fulfilling life together.

Related Reading: How Childhood Trauma Impacts Our Relationships As An Adult

Understanding the Essence of Healing

At its core, healing involves revising relationship patterns and recognizing that a life of connection is attainable and enriching. Everything negative in and about relationships- jealousy, anger, cheating, divorce, arguing, etc. are just resulting symptoms of being disconnected. 

To embark on the healing journey and embrace true happiness, we must adopt a fresh approach to our interactions with our partners, others, and ourselves. Broadly, we have four avenues for addressing our internal responses during interpersonal exchanges:

• Suppression
• Acting out
• Meditation
• Honest sharing

Let’s go through the four types of communication in a relationship to understand how they do or do not bring healing.

Suppress emotions

Suppressing emotions is perhaps the most detrimental way to handle internal turmoil within a relationship. It involves disconnecting from our internal experiences to the extent that we no longer acknowledge them.

For instance, denying feelings of anger until they are no longer consciously felt is a form of suppression that can originate in childhood and become habitual, rendering us unaware of the process.

Suppression revolves around emotions related to autonomy and connection, encompassing feelings we wish to avoid or those we desire from our partner. By suppressing, we refrain from reacting or addressing the issue, opting instead to ignore it altogether.

However, the sensitive nature of individuals means they can sense this conflict within their partner on a subconscious level. This can manifest as tension or unexplained distress, making it challenging to decipher.

Consequently, rather than shielding our partner from our internal struggles, suppression can make the other person feel uneasy about the relationship dynamics. Due to the lack of ability to recognize what is happening, eventual external conflicts become inevitable.

A typical example of suppressing emotions 

Jill feels frustrated because she perceives Jack as not showing her enough attention. However, instead of addressing her feelings openly, she suppresses them out of fear of appearing needy or clingy. Consequently, she keeps her emotions bottled up, avoiding confrontation and hoping that Jack will somehow understand her unspoken needs.

On the other hand, Jack notices Jill’s withdrawn behavior and repeatedly asks her what’s wrong. However, Jill remains silent, leaving Jack feeling confused and helpless. Despite his efforts to understand, he can’t identify the source of the tension he feels, causing him to experience stress within his own body.

Due to their unresolved emotions, the tension between Jill and Jack continues to escalate, leading to arguments about unrelated issues. These conflicts only deepen their misunderstanding, obscuring the root cause of Jill’s suppressed emotions and further straining their relationship.

Related Reading: The 4 Behaviors That Lead To Divorce

Acting out

Acting out is a step up from suppression in that emotions find a way out. However, it’s still detrimental because it usually involves lashing out at our partner, causing harm to the relationship.

Instead of holding emotions in, acting out involves immediately expressing them through actions directed at our partner. This could manifest as yelling during an argument, breaking objects in the home, or even engaging in constant criticism or nagging.

Even divorce can be seen as a form of acting out because it’s a result of failed communication. When we act out, we’re choosing to do something instead of sharing our feelings openly.

However, when emotions become overwhelming, it’s essential to find non-destructive outlets for them. This could involve writing letters to express feelings, engaging in physical activities like screaming or hitting a pillow, or seeking therapy to work through deep-seated anger and unresolved childhood issues. By allowing emotions to be expressed in a safe manner, healing can begin to take place.

A typical example of acting out

Jill becomes increasingly frustrated with Jack’s perceived lack of attention towards her. Instead of addressing her feelings directly, Jill resorts to acting out, expressing her frustration through impulsive and confrontational behavior. 

She begins to criticize Jack openly, pointing out his flaws and mistakes in an attempt to provoke a reaction. Feeling attacked and defensive, Jack responds in kind, engaging in heated arguments with Jill and retaliating with harsh words of his own. 

Their interactions become characterized by conflict and tension, as they each seek to assert their dominance and control over the situation. As their arguments escalate, Jill and Jack find themselves locked in a destructive cycle of blame and resentment. 

Their inability to communicate effectively only serves to deepen the divide between them, pushing them further apart and eroding the foundation of their relationship.

Related Reading: Communication Tools For Couples To Stop The Fighting

Meditating, breathing, Eft tapping etc. 

Many individuals opt for a different approach when faced with overwhelming emotions: they turn to practices like meditation, breathing exercises, or EFT tapping. Rather than suppressing or acting out their feelings, they choose to withdraw and immerse themselves in the emotional experience, allowing it to wash over them or attempting to release it.

While this method may seem promising, in reality, it often falls short of producing lasting change. The distress experienced in relationships typically stems from unresolved childhood emotions that have yet to be integrated. As children, we grappled with overwhelming feelings on our own, and attempting to revisit those emotions through meditation or similar practices can leave us feeling isolated once again.

For individuals who have endured early trauma, such practices can even be potentially harmful. Following the guidance of a teacher to simply sit with these old feelings may exacerbate their distress and hinder their ability to engage in healthy human interactions.

In our work, we have encountered individuals who have relied on these techniques for years, only to find themselves disconnected from others and struggling to reintegrate into everyday life. 

Even for those capable of releasing past traumas, the process is often arduous and prolonged. True emotional healing requires a foundation of stability in the nervous system, which is inherently linked to the depth of our connections with others.

Honest Sharing- How healing happens in relationships

The most effective and biologically aligned option for fostering genuine connection is through honest and authentic communication of our feelings within the partnership. 

This approach consistently leads to healing, deepening the relationship, and achieving mutual understanding. Contrary to common belief, honest sharing doesn’t require extensive time to yield results. 

By openly expressing our emotions and being truly heard by our partner, suffering can begin to dissolve almost instantaneously. In fact, I would argue that shared suffering can transform into a source of happiness. 

This assertion may seem radical, but it is grounded in personal experience and the profound shifts witnessed in couples therapy sessions.

Honest communication facilitates the flow of energy between partners, fostering a sense of connection and fulfillment that is indispensable for nurturing thriving relationships and leading a truly fulfilling life.

What are the barriers to sharing and healing in relationships?

Our ability to share and heal in relationships is often hindered by deeply ingrained taboos that we have carried since childhood. These taboos create subconscious barriers to authentic communication, manifesting as fears such as:

• “If I express my true feelings, my partner will abandon me.”
• “My partner will despise me if I reveal this aspect of myself.”
• “Sharing this will irreparably damage our relationship.”

These fears stem from implicit assumptions formed during our formative years. However, the reality is that authentic sharing knows no bounds. The more openly and honestly we communicate, the deeper our connections become, and the greater our potential for transformation.

True honest sharing necessitates the courage to delve into uncomfortable truths, including sentiments we may be reluctant to voice:

• “I’m feeling indifferent towards you.”
• “I’m questioning my love for you.”
• “I desire intimacy with others.”

In the journey towards healing and cultivating a thriving relationship, there are no limits. The truth of our innermost thoughts and feelings exists regardless of whether we articulate them. In fact, a relationship truly begins only after we have confronted these truths, weathered the emotional storm, and remained committed to growth and understanding. It’s not the end; it’s just the beginning.

Embracing Failure as a New Beginning

A relationship doesn’t truly commence until it has weathered the storms of failure. However, this so-called “failure” is not a downfall but rather an opportunity for profound growth and understanding. It’s about moving beyond idealized notions and embracing the raw reality of who we are and who our partner is.

Encountering these realities allows our egos to dissolve, paving the way for authentic connection and genuine intimacy. While the insights shared may resonate deeply with the core of our being, it’s important to approach them with gentleness and self-compassion.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. We’re all navigating the complexities of honest sharing and vulnerability, learning and growing with each passing day.

If these revelations feel overwhelming or unfamiliar, that’s okay. It’s a transformative shock, leading us out of the confines of our childhood conditioning and into the illuminating realm of conscious, mature relationships. Embrace the discomfort as a sign of growth and healing!

But what if I don’t have a partner? 

Even if you’re currently without a visible partner, it’s essential to recognize that you always have a partner, albeit one that may not be immediately apparent. This partner is the mental projection of your early relationship experiences, where feelings of loneliness and a lack of bond may have taken root. 

While you may have experienced solitude, separation, or abandonment in childhood, the truth is that you’ve never truly been alone or apart. It’s possible that your deep-seated neural patterns are recreating old feelings of isolation, making it challenging to trust and connect with others.

However, the path to finding solace in connection lies in traversing these emotional landscapes repeatedly. A simple prayer—”Dear God, please lead me on the path of love”—can serve as a guiding light in this journey.

Steps to heal if you are not in a relaitonship

If you’re unsure how to proceed, consider immersing yourself in positive thoughts and experiences related to love. Engage in activities such as watching romantic films or reading love stories with happy endings. Envision your ideal partner—imagine your time together, the environment, and the activities you’d enjoy.

Believe wholeheartedly that love and connection are within reach, and invest your energy accordingly. Take tangible steps in your daily life to interact with others, attend social gatherings, and explore new environments. 

Embrace spontaneity and engage in activities that push your boundaries. Contribute to your community, offer your talents and services, and let the currents of life guide you without fixating on specific outcomes.

Allow yourself time to orchestrate experiences that help shift your thought patterns and open your body to new possibilities. Trust in the process, and embrace the journey toward rediscovering connection and love.

How do I heal in relationships? Sharing is key

Healing within relationships is intricately linked to the art of sharing—openly and honestly expressing both our needs for closeness and our desires for autonomy. 

In every relationship dynamic, it’s crucial to recognize and respect each partner’s unique blend of intimacy and independence. Understanding that both the longing for connection and the inclination for personal space are valid and natural aspects of human interaction lays the foundation for meaningful communication. 

Rather than engaging in conflict or withdrawal, the essence of a thriving relationship lies in a shared commitment to acknowledge and verbalize our inner experiences. In essence, the act of sharing transcends the need for specific responses or outcomes from our partners. 

It’s about authentically expressing ourselves without attaching expectations or conditions to our communication. Whether our partners respond immediately or not, and regardless of their reactions, the act of verbalizing our thoughts and feelings serves as a catalyst for healing and growth within the relationship.

Conclusion- Embrace the Healing Power of Connection

Our very biology underscores the essentiality of human connection for our overall well-being. Physically, our nervous systems are wired to thrive in groups, social interactions, and long-term relationships. The absence of social bonds and isolation can trigger significant stress responses within our bodies.

In this light, the remedy for our emotional and psychological well-being lies not in solitary endeavors but in fostering meaningful connections with others. 

By engaging in genuine and supportive relationships, we can soothe the deepest layers of our nervous system, paving the way for a profound sense of happiness and fulfillment.

Fulfilling our fundamental needs for security and connection with others is central to this process. When these needs are met, our bodies and minds experience sense of peace and contentment that transcends mere intellectual understanding.

As we navigate the complexities of human relationships, let us remember that true healing occurs through shared experiences, honest communication, and genuine connection with others. 

In nurturing these connections, we unlock the transformative power of human connection to heal, uplift, and enrich our lives in ways that transcend the limitations of individual existence.