So, you’re craving more sex! First, kudos to you for recognizing it and taking steps to get what you want. This article is your roadmap to revving up your sex life.
Now, brace yourself because I will hit you with a barrage of things you must stop doing. It might feel like a lot, but stick with me. Don’t be tempted to skip ahead, thinking you’re already a pro in the bedroom. Trust me, these ground rules are essential for spicing up your sex life.
You might be wondering, why stop doing things to start having more sex? It’s simple: many things you’re doing could be turning your partner off. Each stop sign comes with a reason, and by the end, you’ll see how these changes can reignite the passion in your relationship.
Step one in preparing for a better sex life: be open-minded
Now, please approach this list with an open mind. Some of the “have-to-stops” might seem completely unrelated to getting more action in the bedroom.
But trust me, each one plays a crucial role in revving up your sex life. I’ll break down each point with a title and explanation, so even if you think you’re acing it after a sentence or two, stick around. These changes are vital for igniting the passion in your relationship.
For most marriages, these “stop it now” moments might require a major overhaul. Think of the “leopard changing its spots” level of transformation. But here’s the deal: by kicking these bad habits to the curb, you’re paving the way for real life fun and intimacy with your spouse.
Translation? If you stop doing the things that bug you and turn off your spouse, they’ll likely start considering more time between the sheets with you.
Before we dive in, remember that each “stop it now” is for your own benefit. If you’re guilty of any, I urge you to cut them out pronto. If you’re unknowingly irritating your partner with these habits, it’s likely dampening their desire for you.
ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION??
Good. Now, brace yourself because some of these revelations might catch you off guard. You might be blissfully unaware of certain issues brewing in your relationship.
Why? Your spouse might be bottling up frustration and resentment, which can seriously squash their desire for you. So, take a good, hard look at yourself. If any of the following “stop it nows” sound familiar, it’s time to kick them to the curb. Let’s dive in:
How to have more sex in your marriage
1. Quit the Relentless Pursuit
One of the most crucial steps toward having more sex in your marriage is to stop relentlessly pursuing your partner for sex. Persistent pursuit often leads to repeated rejection from your partner. But what exactly does pursuing look like? If you find yourself doing any of the following, you might be labeled as the “pursuer”:
- A simple peck on the cheek in the morning transforms into an attempt to initiate a passionate kiss.
- A hug goodnight or goodbye escalates into awkward dry humping or groping.
- Casual conversations turn into filled with suggestive remarks and innuendos.
- Passing each other in the hallway becomes an opportunity for intimate touching.
- You engage in obvious thigh rubbing or other unsubtle gestures.
- Jumping into bed naked and expecting immediate arousal from your partner.
- Initiating intimate touch when your partner is trying to sleep.
- Attempting to discuss the lack of sex in your relationship and your dissatisfaction with your sexual connection.
While discussing sexual matters can be healthy for a relationship, it’s crucial to approach it sensitively and at the right time. However, the persistent pursuit described above only adds pressure and tends to backfire.
Why the relentless pursuit doesn’t work
- Relentlessly pursuing sex is likely to repel your partner rather than attract them.
- Your persistence may lead your partner to avoid any intimacy, fearing it will be misinterpreted as a desire for sex.
- Constant rejection may intensify your pursuit, creating a cycle that pushes your partner further away.
Recognize that this behavior can be counterproductive. Consider your partner’s perspective and whether your actions are likely to bring you closer or push you apart.
2. Stop the anger
Anger can put a real damper on your partner’s desire for sexual intimacy. Here’s how to recognize if anger might be an issue:
- Are you frequently upset about the lack of sex in your relationship?
- Do you find yourself angry about other aspects of your life that you can’t control, like work or finances?
- Does your partner seem to bring up past hurts often?
- Do you shut your partner out when she tries to talk about important issues?
- Are you unsupportive of your partner’s feelings?
- Do you often criticize or try to control your partner?
Anger, resentment, and hurt will only push your partner away. Take a hard look at yourself and ask if your behavior might be disappointing your partner.
Emotional safety is crucial for intimacy, and anger doesn’t create a safe environment. If you struggle with anger, consider seeking help through books, online resources, or professional counseling. It’s essential to address your anger for the sake of your relationship and your own well-being.
3. Cease the unnecessary arguing
Arguing with your partner won’t get you anywhere, especially when it comes to intimacy. Here’s why you should stop arguing and what to do instead:
- Stay Civil: Never resort to physical violence, and use words to express yourself instead.
- Avoid Point Scoring: Don’t try to keep score or belittle your partner during arguments.
- No Putdowns: Refrain from making critical comments, using sarcasm, or humiliating your partner.
- Respect Differences: While it might be difficult, avoid telling your partner she’s wrong. Criticizing, condemning, or complaining won’t make things better.
- Keep Your Cool: Steer clear of yelling, blaming, or name-calling, especially in front of others.
- Work as a Team: Instead of seeing yourselves as opponents, view your relationship as a partnership striving for common goals.
- Focus on Solutions: Rather than arguing, find shared interests or hobbies to enjoy together.
- Be Supportive: Aim to be a calming influence in your partner’s life, not a source of aggravation.
Remember, your relationship isn’t about fighting each other but working together toward love, happiness, and a fulfilling sex life.
4. Stop the barrage of blame
It’s time for a mindset shift: Stop placing blame solely on your partner for the lack of sex in your relationship. Here’s why:
- Share the Responsibility: Recognize that the lack of sex is not entirely your partner’s fault. Both of you play a role in the dynamics of your relationship.
- Avoid Blame: Refrain from blaming your partner for the situation. Instead, focus on what you can do to improve intimacy together.
- Take Action: Rather than dwelling on the problem, take proactive steps to address it. This means changing your approach and actively working towards a solution.
Understanding that both partners contribute to the relationship dynamics is the first step towards fostering a healthier and more fulfilling sex life. So, instead of pointing fingers, let’s focus on finding solutions together.
5. Avoid Putting Your Partner Down
In this journey towards a more fulfilling sex life, trust is paramount. Here’s why:
- The “T” Word: Trust: Trust forms the foundation of any healthy relationship. It’s crucial to create an environment where both partners feel safe and secure.
- Respect Differences: Understand that men and women have differences in perspectives and reactions. Respect your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them.
- No Put Downs: Avoid belittling or trivializing your partner’s concerns, especially regarding sex. Criticizing or mocking her will only erode trust and intimacy.
- Comparison is Harmful: Refrain from comparing your partner to past lovers. Making unfavorable comparisons will only breed insecurity and resentment.
By respecting your partner’s feelings and refraining from hurtful remarks, you nurture a sense of trust and emotional safety in your relationship. This lays the groundwork for deeper connection and intimacy.
6. Quit the jealousy
Jealousy can poison even the strongest bonds. Here’s how to combat it:
- Trust Over Jealousy: Choose trust over jealousy. Base your feelings on concrete evidence rather than unfounded suspicions.
- Open Communication: If you’re feeling jealous, talk to your partner about it. Approach the conversation calmly and without accusations, following the guidelines for constructive communication.
- Respect Freedom: Relentless jealousy can suffocate your partner, making them feel trapped. Allow them the freedom to be themselves and trust in the strength of your relationship.
- Address Concerns: If you’re worried about your partner straying, address your concerns directly with them. Open, honest communication is key to resolving insecurities.
By fostering trust and open communication, you can banish jealousy and strengthen the foundation of your relationship.
7. Stop the unnecessary lying
Stop lying, especially the white lies. Why? Because lying kills trust, and if you don’t have trust in a relationship, then you’re not going to get a lot of sex!
8. Give your partner some respect
Disrespect erodes the foundation of any relationship. Disrespectful behavior exacerbates conflicts. Ceasing such actions allows for constructive dialogue, leading to resolution rather than escalation. Not too mention respect fosters emotional security, essential for intimacy. Eliminating disrespect creates a safe space where both partners feel valued, enhancing emotional connection.
9. Quit the constant reminders
Stop bringing up the fact that you’re not having enough sex. It’s not helping your situation, and it might make your spouse feel pressured or criticized. Instead, try to create an atmosphere where you can talk openly about your needs and desires without making your partner feel uncomfortable.
10. Stop closing down after rejection
If you go silent after your partner says no to sex, it’s time to change that. While rejection stings, shutting down only upsets your partner more, making it harder to connect in the future.
Instead, make an effort to understand how your partner feels and talk to them about it. Better communication paves the way for better intimacy.
Imagine how your partner feels when you suddenly close off emotionally. It damages trust and weakens your connection. Instead, share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. Good communication is key to a healthy relationship and better sex.
11. Stop setting tests up for your partner that they will only fail
Imagine this scenario: You usually cuddle with your partner before falling asleep. One night, you purposely turn away to see if she notices. When asked if everything’s okay, you brush it off and stay turned away. If she doesn’t immediately respond by cuddling closer, you might see it as a failure on her part.
This kind of “test” is unfair and damaging to your relationship. It creates unnecessary tension and doesn’t lead to more affection or intimacy. Instead, it can make your partner worry about the relationship, which is the opposite of what you want.
So, resist the urge to set up tests for your partner. Focus on open communication and building trust instead. It’s the healthier path to improving your relationship and intimacy.
12. Be mindful of body image
If your partner is self-conscious about her body, making negative comments will only make things worse. Avoid hurtful remarks and instead focus on building her confidence.
Instead of saying things like “There’s more of you to love” or “I love you just the way you are,” try to highlight the things you appreciate about her appearance. Compliment her when she dresses nicely or when you like her hairstyle. If you find certain features attractive, let her know in a positive way.
However, if your partner’s perception of her body is inaccurate, it’s okay to correct her gently. For example, if she thinks she looks overweight, when she doesn’t, reassure her kindly.
Remember, silence can be misinterpreted, so communicating openly is important. Encourage her and focus on the positive aspects of her body. Boosting her self-esteem will improve her body image and benefit your relationship in the long run.
13. Ease Up on being the controller
If you find yourself being overly controlling in your relationship, it’s time to take a step back. Being too controlling can breed resentment and hinder intimacy.
Respect your partner’s autonomy and rights to make decisions.
Instead of always needing to be in control and right, strive for a balanced relationship where both partners’ needs and feelings are respected.
If you’re struggling with controlling behavior, it might stem from underlying fears. Take some time to reflect on these fears and consider the worst-case scenarios if things don’t go your way.
Rather than dictating, try to communicate openly and ask your partner to consider your perspective. Respect her right to make decisions and contribute to the relationship’s balance. Remember, mutual respect and understanding are key to a healthy relationship and a fulfilling sex life.
14. Avoid using punishments in you relationship
If you find yourself withholding love and affection from your partner as a way to “punish” her for not meeting your expectations, it’s time to stop. Using punishment in a relationship isn’t effective, healthy, or sustainable in the long run.
Not only does it damage trust, but it can also lead to resentment and potentially drive your partner away. Instead of resorting to punishment, communicate openly about your needs and concerns.
Moreover, avoid punishing your current partner for the actions of past partners. It’s unfair and unproductive, and it won’t lead to resolution or growth in your relationship. Focus on building trust and understanding with your current partner for a healthier and happier relationship.
15. Avoid negative comments about your sex life/ complaints to your best friends
Every relationship coach will tell you that making negative comments about your sex life or complaining about the lack of it won’t help at all. In fact, it can have the opposite effect and push your partner further away.
Instead of focusing on what’s lacking, try to foster a positive atmosphere in your relationship. Communicate openly and respectfully about your needs and desires without placing blame or criticism. Remember, constructive dialogue is key to addressing issues and improving your sex life together.
16. Quit Assuming and Blaming
Most married couples make negative assumptions that lead to blaming each other. Assumptions tend to be negative and only create more problems. Instead, try assuming something positive: your partner wants to be seduced by you just as much as you want to seduce them.
Always make an effort to seduce your partner into bed, just like you did when you first got together. Seduction is an ongoing effort that keeps the spark alive in your relationship.
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