Friendship breakups are truly awful. When I’m diving into a new subject, I always reach out to friends, family, colleagues, and my online community for feedback. But I’ve never received such an intense and immediate response as I did when I asked about friendship breakups.
In our therapy consultation group, everyone admitted that they had an immediate flashback to that one broken friendship experience the minute I asked.
Why does this topic trigger everyone?
I think it comes from the cultural expectations and norms we have about friendship. When you think about it, we have far more realistic expectations about romantic relationships than we do friendships. And we have a way better handle on dealing with the fallout of romantic relationships vs. friendships when they fail.
The reality is that most relationships don’t last forever, whether they’re romantic or platonic. But there’s often more pressure on our friendships to last forever than on our romantic relationships. And when friendships end, we often struggle to deal with it.
So, what’s the issue?
Friendship breakups occur when the essential elements for a healthy friendship are missing, and we can’t resolve the underlying issues or meet each other’s needs through healthy communication, boundaries, or conflict resolution.
Do You Really Need to Break Up? Tips to Reconcile the friendship first!
Perhaps your friendship has reached the ultimate level of being over. But maybe not. Maybe you aren’t sure what to do because you are going back and forth on this friendship breakup. Let’s explore other options before you call it quits.
1. Did they do something wrong, or is it just who they are?
You understand what I’m getting at here. Is their behavior or their character fundamentally harmful to you in some way, or did they just make a mistake? And when I say “just,” I don’t mean to downplay the significance of what happened. Are their mistakes indicative of their general behavior and treatment of others, or are they genuine lapses in judgment?
Can this issue be resolved through discussion and the establishment of new boundaries? If you were the one who made the mistake, how would you want others to approach you about it? Often, we let certain behaviors slide until they become the norm. When we tolerate certain actions or how others treat us, they’re likely to keep doing it until we put a stop to it.
If your friend is usually a good person, it’s worth trying to discuss setting new boundaries before considering ending the friendship. You might find a middle ground where you can tolerate the behavior to some extent.
For instance, if you have a friend who is always late or flakes out but is otherwise cool, you could limit invitations to group events where their tardiness won’t disrupt plans. This way, they can be themselves without causing inconvenience, but you avoid inviting them to time-sensitive activities like movies. If you’re unsure whether it’s time to end the friendship or just work through a conflict, ask yourself more questions.
2. Are you willing to be the bigger person?
We all make mistakes. Apologizing and owning up to them can be really hard. Sometimes, instead of facing uncomfortable feedback and changing, people might just drift away. Perhaps you should be the bigger person and apologize for what you did to cause your current riff.
For example, with that friend who’s always late, you could say, “Hey, I need to talk about what happened last week. I was really upset when … happened, and I know we haven’t talked since. I’d like to discuss it if you’re open to it.” Go into this conversation knowing the following:
What do you need to say to your friend?
What was the specific behavior that upset you? What was your response to that behavior? Frame it just like that. Here is an example:
“When you _______________, I felt ________________.” When you were late, I felt frustrated and irritated. I didn’t want to miss the movie’s beginning, but I had your ticket and didn’t want to go inside without you.
What do you need to admit?
Do you need to take responsibility for anything in this situation? Did you fail to set or maintain your boundaries? Did you react to your friend in a way that you regret or feel embarrassed about?
Did you do or say anything that exacerbated the situation? If there was a video of your actions in this situation, are there any parts that would make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable? Just address it by saying:
“I realize I said it was okay when I wasn’t actually okay with it. I realize that I screamed at you when you didn’t show up, which was a lousy way of expressing my feelings.”
What changes do you want to see in the future to maintain the friendship?
This is another aspect of effective communication. After expressing what bothered you and how it made you feel, AND after you acknowledged your part, you should request the behavior you want instead.
“I am asking you to _______________.” “I’m asking you to text me beforehand if you’re running late.”
What changes do you need to make to maintain the friendship?
Explain the changes you get to make to sustain the relationship. “I understand that I also have a responsibility here and want to improve things. In the future, I’ll communicate my feelings calmly and directly instead of getting upset and yelling at you.”
Perhaps you have already tried and you just want to end the relationship
So you’ve tried to resolve the issue, perhaps multiple times. Or maybe the situation was beyond repair from the start, and that’s alright too. Now, it’s time to handle the breakup maturely. Leaving a breakup note (or a breakup text message…) is not the way to go.
What is the best way to break up with a friend?
There are various ways to end a friendship, and none of them are enjoyable. Your approach will likely depend on the nature and intimacy of the friendship (for example, you won’t end a work acquaintance the same way as a close best friend), the circumstances, and the reason for the breakup.
Leslie Baxter, a college professor, studied how students end relationships. She found 35 ways and grouped them into four categories. Her research was first published in 1982, and although this is long ago, her findings still hold true.
Withdrawal and Avoidance
Ghosting: Just pulling away, avoiding contact, trying to let the friendship fade away on its own.
Intentional Manipulation
Creating a hostile friend environment to make the friend tired of your behavior and end the friendship.
It’s Me
This is the conversation where you say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” You might say you’re not in a good place, or you’re not good for them right now, and so on.
Open Confrontation
Whether calmly or with strong emotions, this is directly acknowledging the end of the friendship. Among these types, only two are considered fair if handled appropriately.
Let’s explore these choices.
What are the healthiest ways to break up with a friend?
Withdrawal and Avoidance
Let’s face it: This is often how things go down. Without a clear way to end friendships, we tend to slowly drift away from them. It’s not always a complete cutoff. It might involve making fewer plans, responding less, and having shallower conversations over time.
This approach isn’t necessarily a bad move. If both parties agree to slowly drift apart without any hard feelings, it can be the most practical way to handle the situation, especially if you have mutual friends. This works if you’re both still cool, but you’ve naturally drifted apart and don’t really hang out much anymore. It’s fine if you happen to see each other at the same party, no big deal. Just the way things go.
Withdrawal and avoidance can provide space for individuals to process their feelings and move on without a formal conversation or confrontation, which can be uncomfortable or emotionally taxing for some people. Additionally, withdrawal and avoidance can minimize potential conflict and allow both parties to maintain a sense of dignity and respect in the process.
However, it’s essential to recognize that this approach may not always be appropriate or effective, particularly if one party feels confused or hurt by the sudden lack of communication. Communication and honesty are still crucial elements in any relationship, and if you get called out for ghosting? Take responsibility and apologize!
Open Confrontation
Sometimes the relationship is just over. Sometimes, you can’t find common ground, and both parties don’t agree on the quiet exit. Maybe your paths diverge so much that maintaining the friendship isn’t healthy for either of you. When the slow fade isn’t cutting it, it’s time to take a more direct approach. You need to have an honest conversation. Put on your adult pants and do what needs to be done:
Start by telling them the REAL reason.
You don’t need to criticize them harshly. Just be honest and take responsibility for your feelings. Remember, nobody can make you feel a certain way. “Hey, I feel like you are neglecting everything outside of your job, including our friendship. Your need to please your boss and co-workers feels uneasy. I feel like you are headed down a reckless place and I don’t want to be part of it. It seems like our values, principles and our lives in general are heading in different directions, so I don’t think maintaining our friendship is possible for me at this point. I wish you all the best.”
Discuss the details.
What does this breakup mean? Are you cutting ties completely or just dialing back the closeness? For example, you might say, “I’m okay seeing you at group events, but I don’t want to hang out one-on-one anymore.”
Tell other concerned parties.
Don’t drag mutual friends into your breakup drama. Just inform them about what happened and what it means for your relationship with your ex-friend. If you hear gossip about your ex-friend, kindly ask your friends to stop spreading it. You can say something like, “I’d appreciate it if we didn’t discuss my ex-friend. Let’s focus on moving forward positively.”
Is it normal to break up with a friend?
Yes, it is normal to break up with a friend, just as it is normal to end other types of relationships. Friendships, like any relationship, can evolve over time, and sometimes they no longer serve the needs or interests of both individuals involved.
People change, circumstances change, and sometimes friendships naturally fade away or encounter conflicts that cannot be resolved.
Additionally, as individuals grow and mature, they may outgrow certain friendships or realize that they have fundamental differences that make it challenging to maintain a healthy relationship.
Breaking up with a friend can be a difficult and emotional process, but it is a natural part of life. It’s important to recognize when a friendship is no longer bringing positivity or fulfillment to your life and to have the courage to address the situation honestly and respectfully.
While it may be uncomfortable, ending a friendship that no longer serves both parties can ultimately lead to personal growth and the opportunity to cultivate more fulfilling connections.
Conclusion
In conclusion, breaking up with a friend is rarely easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for our own well-being. Whether it’s through passive fading or a direct conversation, it’s essential to handle the situation with honesty, respect, and consideration for both parties involved.
Communicating openly about boundaries, feelings, and expectations can help navigate the process more smoothly. Acknowledging the impact on mutual friends and handling social media interactions thoughtfully is important.
While it may be uncomfortable, addressing the situation directly and maturely is ultimately the most respectful approach. And remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own mental and emotional health in the process.
