Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for ALL healthy relationships, including friendships. While discussions about setting boundaries are becoming more common, most boundary books, talks, sermons, etc., often focus on family relationships or romantic partnerships, leaving friendships overlooked.
Friendships are relationships we choose, so co-creating boundaries should be a natural part of the friendship-building process. Like in any other relationship, clear boundaries help define expectations, maintain mutual respect, and foster healthy interactions.
By openly discussing boundaries with friends, individuals can ensure that both parties feel comfortable, respected, and understood within the friendship. This communication allows for establishing boundaries that align with each person’s needs and preferences, ultimately strengthening the bond between friends.
Why do we need boundaries in friendships?
In this blog, we discuss why most relationships end. Most relationships, however, end for the same reason: Two people stay silent about boundary violations (expectations, ideas, or beliefs about how they should be treated). We believe that not speaking up when something happens that we do not like will preserve the relationship, but it often leads to feelings of resentment, frustration, and, ultimately, the relationship breakdown.
By not addressing boundary issues, we deny ourselves the opportunity to uphold our own needs and values, which can result in emotional distress and strain on the friendship.
Instead of letting boundary violations accumulate until they become unbearable, set boundaries and speak up about what is important to us. This allows the other person to understand and respect our boundaries, fostering a healthier and more respectful friendship in the long run.
Addressing boundary issues early on can prevent conflicts, strengthen trust, and ensure that our meaningful relationships are built on mutual understanding and respect.
What are the 7 types of boundaries?
Here are seven types of boundaries that can help you navigate relationships better:
- Physical Boundaries: These are about personal space and touch.
- Emotional Boundaries: These protect your feelings and emotions.
- Mental Boundaries: These involve respecting your thoughts and opinions.
- Sexual Boundaries: These define your comfort with intimacy.
- Material Boundaries: These relate to sharing possessions and money.
- Time Boundaries: These set limits on how you spend your time.
- Spiritual Boundaries: These relate to your beliefs and values.
What makes boundaries in friendships difficult?
Looking at the healthy boundaries above, you will notice there is generally a lot of overlap between these categories, especially with friends. For example, a friend who has to borrow your car for the weekend might hit a time boundary when they are running late to meet you, not to mention the material boundary of handing over the keys to your car.
Or your guy friend who has had one too many drinks and makes a handsy pass at you has just violated both your sexual boundary and your physical boundary. The overlaps make these boundaries more complex and make communication about our set boundaries more difficult.
It makes figuring out our boundaries and trying to communicate about them better so complicated. Besides having different types of boundaries, we also have the structure of the boundaries themselves to consider . . . which is more important than most people realize.
Set boundaries can be firm, flexible, or somewhere in between. While some individuals may predominantly lean into one of these categories, most navigate a spectrum of boundary styles depending on the circumstances.
If our boundaries are too flexible, we might agree to lend our car to any friend who asks and will become upset when we miss a doctor’s appointment because they were late returning it. On the other hand, if our boundaries are extremely strict, we might refuse the loan request and even send an upset text expressing our frustration with them (and gossip with all our other friends) for asking in the first place.
While we don’t want others to take advantage of us by not having set boundaries, we also don’t want to be so rigid in “maintaining healthy boundaries” that we have zero flexibility. Healthy friendships must have a flexible balance involving listening and communicating our inner voice, which aims to protect us and foster growth, as well as listening and respecting our friends’ set boundaries.
Related Reading: What It Takes To Maintain A Healthy Friendship
How can I set boundaries with friends?
Earlier, we mentioned emotional, mental, sexual, material, time, spiritual, and physical boundaries. We have some tips when you are ready to start setting healthy boundaries in your friendships.
- Start Small: Begin by identifying one area where you feel uncomfortable or taken advantage of in your relationships. This could be saying no to extra work tasks or setting limits on how much time you spend helping others.
- Practice Assertiveness: Practice expressing your needs and preferences assertively but respectfully. Start with simple phrases like “I need some alone time right now” or “I’m not comfortable with that.”
- Reflect on Your Values: Consider what is truly important to you (exercise, church, family dinner, personal space, etc.) and align your boundaries with what you want. Knowing your values can give you confidence in setting boundaries and, MORE importantly, keeping to those boundaries that reflect your authentic self. (click here to better understand who you are)
- Set Boundaries Must Have Clear Consequences: Communicate the consequences of crossing your boundaries. This might include stating what action you will take if someone continues to disregard your boundaries, such as ending a conversation or leaving a situation.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist for support and guidance as you work on setting boundaries. Surrounding yourself with understanding and encouraging individuals can help boost your confidence and reinforce your efforts.
Note: Once you’ve clearly stated your boundaries, your friend should understand what you’re asking for. Direct communication helps prevent misunderstandings and strengthens the relationship.
What boundaries must exist for a healthy friendship?
Here are four foundational boundaries to prioritize in a healthy friendship:
- Mutual respect for personal space and time: Allow each other space to be alone and honor each other’s time commitments.
- Encouragement for open communication: a true friend will create a safe place to discuss topics, even if they disagree with what you’re saying.
- Maintaining confidentiality: Many friends share private matters. Healthy friendships should not share sensitive information without the other’s permission.
- Supporting personal growth: A good friend wants you to succeed. Healthy friendships do not make the other person feel guilty when pursuing their goals and aspirations.
How do I know if my friendship boundaries have been overstepped?
Boundaries help distinguish our space from others. When we don’t consciously negotiate this space, we risk boundary violations, where our actions unintentionally harm others.
For example, if your friend wants to borrow your car, it might not break your boundaries (unless you’ve already asked them not to borrow your stuff). However, if they pressure you or make you feel guilty after you’ve said no, that’s a boundary violation. If they take your car without explicit permission, it’s crossing a line. It all boils down to consent.
Consent might sound fancy, but it’s pretty straightforward. It means everyone involved knows what’s going on and agrees to it willingly. It’s like saying “yes” to something freely and knowingly.
When it comes to expressing and negotiating our boundaries, we generally do so through how we communicate consent. If someone asks you, “Hey, can I borrow this pen?” They recognize that the pen is something you own (personal boundaries) and ask for your consent to use it and return it. You are free to consent, not give it, or give it conditionally. Boundary violations happen when we act without consent.
What do I do when a friend oversteps boundaries?
Pia Mellody, licensed clinical psychologist, points out that setting boundaries comes down to two things: external (physical boundaries) and internal (emotional boundaries). External boundary breaches are when people do something to you in a physical way; these violations are tangible and measurable. Internal boundary breaches occur when individuals intrude upon your emotional space and attempt to manipulate your behavior and actions to meet their needs without openly requesting such changes.
External boundary breaches include:
- Touching others without consent.
- Using their belongings without permission.
- Failing to return borrowed items promptly, even if permission was initially granted.
Internal boundary violations involve:
- Behaviors like offering unsolicited feedback.
- Making judgments based on assumptions rather than facts.
- Divulging secrets or stories that are not ours to share.
Some boundary violations can involve internal and external aspects, such as intervening to help someone without explicit consent, which implies a judgment about their capabilities or needs. It’s common for everyone to experience both sides of boundary violations in friendships – being on the receiving end and unintentionally crossing boundaries ourselves.
Before you decide to end a friendship for the sake of your mental health ask yourself if you have violated any appropriate boundaries in friendships? Chances are the answer is yes, hence the first thing you should do is calmly have a conversation with the person.
While having said conversation, it’s important to remember and recognize the fundamental attribution error, a cognitive bias that affects how we perceive boundary violations, which is crucial. When we make mistakes and cross someone else’s boundaries, we often blame the situation rather than our character. However, when others violate our boundaries, we tend to attribute it to their inherent flaws.
This default thinking pattern can lead us to prematurely end friendships with individuals who may not have been aware that their behavior was problematic. Developing awareness of this bias is essential for maintaining healthy relationships.
Incorporating mindfulness and empathy enables us to examine the specifics of each situation and make more informed judgments about whether someone’s actions stem from malice or mere human error. By addressing our concerns with them, we offer them the opportunity to learn and grow, fostering healthier relationships.
But what if one friend keeps violating my boundaries?
If one friend repeatedly ignores your boundaries, it’s important to keep reinforcing them. Offer gentle reminders and, if needed, communicate assertively. If they continue to disregard your boundaries despite your efforts, consider whether maintaining the friendship is in your best interest.
What is the biggest challenge when setting boundaries?
When attempting to set healthy boundaries, we can feel guilty. Boundary setting does this teeter-totter of trying not to become a total pushover or a total tightass (is there a perfect balance).
Hence, we need to find a way to negotiate our boundaries in our friendships and romantic relationships. Flexible boundaries matter because they give us leeway when needed.
Flexible boundaries means proactively paying attention instead of reacting to old patterns or triggers. Flexible boundaries involve paying attention to the person and deciding what boundaries you need in each relationship (i.e., a boundary with a close friend shouldn’t be the same as with your best friend).
Furthermore, flexible boundaries involve not projecting past brokenness on this future relationship. It is not guaranteed that this person is trying to hurt or manipulate you. Therefore, it is okay to have a temporary boundary to protect you from emotional manipulation, but maybe that same boundary needs to bend a little if you want healthy relationships.
When it comes down to it, boundaries are like bumper guard rails; they are needed by some bowlers but not by others. You get to decide which friends will have what boundaries.
Related Reading: The Different Types of Friends
Conclusion
In conclusion, friendship boundaries are essential for our emotional well-being and the health of our relationships. We’ve explored various types of boundaries, from physical to emotional, and discussed how boundary violations can occur both externally and internally.
It’s crucial to recognize these violations, communicate our boundaries clearly, and be willing to enforce them when necessary. While it may be uncomfortable at times, asserting our boundaries ultimately empowers us to cultivate healthier and more fulfilling friendships.
By understanding the importance of boundaries and navigating them with empathy and assertiveness, we can foster deeper connections while preserving our own sense of self-respect and dignity.
