Searching for the perfect partner may appear straightforward at first—we all desire someone humorous, romantic, and physically fit, with whom we can share a lifetime of companionship and love. However, it’s hardly ever that straightforward. Once we meet someone who seems promising, various complications arise. We may engage in games, build walls, withhold parts of ourselves, or even sabotage potential relationships to avoid rejection. Our insecurities and past experiences often hinder our chances of finding lasting happiness. This blog aims to help you overcome these obstacles and move forward in your quest for love. How? Awareness…
As you gain deeper insight into yourself, you’ll realize that you’re better equipped to find a compatible partner—not necessarily someone perfect, but someone who accepts and cherishes you for who you are, supports you emotionally, and brings happiness into your life.
Moreover, you’ll discover the freedom to be authentically yourself without hiding or pretending. You’ll feel confident walking away from relationships that don’t align with your true self, knowing it’s okay to seek a better fit elsewhere. This blog aims to help you clearly understand who you are and what you want in a relationship and take action to pursue that vision.
Let’s Dive In…
Knowing what you want is crucial to thrive in relationships, just like in any part of life. While stumbling upon a great relationship by chance is possible, having a clear goal can be immensely helpful; especially if you are using some type of online dating site (not that there is anything wrong with online dating).
This clarity acts as a compass, guiding you in the right direction and steering you through challenges. Generally, what fosters a secure attachment in childhood also contributes to a secure relationship in a life partner. So, we can consider relationships to have three fundamental characteristics:
Emotional availability
Children rely on their parents for physical and emotional closeness to feel secure, but emotional closeness between partners is crucial in adult relationships. Although separations and long-distance relationships can be challenging, they don’t have to be the end of the road. However, partners must be willing to acknowledge and meet each other’s needs. When one partner remains emotionally distant or hostile, the other feels isolated, rejected, or undervalued.
Safe haven
In a healthy relationship, partners turn to each other for reassurance and support, much like a child seeks comfort from their mother when upset. Having a partner who can offer comfort and help during tough times is crucial because life is full of challenges. Knowing you have a trusted “port in a storm” can make these challenges feel more manageable. However, if your partner is dismissive or critical, you may not feel comfortable turning to them for support; if you do, you might end up feeling rejected.
Secure base
To feel fulfilled in life and truly loved in a relationship, individuals must pursue their desires and explore their passions. Healthy relationships are built on mutual encouragement and support for each other’s endeavors.
As you reflect on the qualities of a healthy relationship, remember that both partners play a role in creating them. They must be open to giving and receiving emotional support, providing a safe space during challenging times, and motivating each other to explore the world.
While you may focus on finding a partner who can offer these qualities, it’s equally important that they can receive them, too. A mutual relationship based on a balanced give-and-take dynamic fosters a strong long term relationship. It’s essential to be capable of both giving and receiving these aspects of a healthy relationship.
While these insights give an idea of what to aim for, they lack details on how to know if you chose a compatible partner or simply found yourself a very kind friend. For guidance on this, keep reading.
A supportive partner can play a significant role in helping you become the person you aspire to be. Researchers Drigotas, Rusbult, Wieselquist, and Whitton (1999) identified and supported this concept, calling it the Michelangelo phenomenon. Just as Michelangelo would sculpt beautiful forms from a block of stone, a loving partner can help reveal your best self and bring out your inherent beauty and potential.
In theory, the ideal partner for you would possess the following attributes. However, it’s essential to note that someone may meet your needs without matching every trait (you may need to get past someone’s dorky haircut or the fact that they don’t love romantic comedies) on this list, and that’s perfectly fine.
Consider these qualities as a general guideline (no matter if you are using an online dating network or meeting them for a classic date night) to help you evaluate potential partners or assess how well your current romantic partner meets your needs. With that in consideration, you ideally want a partner who:
Securely attached and mature.
Because individuals with these qualities are secure in themselves and their relationships, they can establish emotional closeness while still encouraging independence and personal growth for both themselves and their partners. They possess the ability to introspect openly and empathetically, allowing them to recognize their own shortcomings and apologize without defensiveness. Moreover, they have the capacity to forgive their partners readily, understanding that imperfection is universal.
An effective communicator.
An effective communicator is inevitably an attentive and encouraging listener, which facilitates the nurturing and sustenance of long term relationships. They demonstrate adeptness in constructively resolving conflicts, partly due to their proficiency in recognizing and regulating emotions. This emotional intelligence is invaluable in fostering connection and navigating the challenges of close relationships.
Appreciative of you.
Falling in love is just the beginning; long-term happiness in relationships requires mutual respect, appreciation, and ongoing effort. Your partner should demonstrate a genuine interest in understanding you, and this pursuit of knowledge should remain dynamic over time. Additionally, optimal fulfillment and growth are achieved when you receive support and encouragement to pursue your individual interests.
A good fit.
Enjoying shared activities and engaging in meaningful conversations together are crucial aspects of spending quality time as a couple. Mutual regard for each other’s values is essential for the longevity of a relationship, especially when those values impact daily life. For instance, compatibility on major life decisions like having children or lifestyle choices such as a career that involves constant travel significantly contributes to relationship harmony. Very few people realize how vital common values and beliefs are in a relationship.
Ready for a relationship.
A potential partner should prioritize the relationship by spending time and giving it attention, whether together or apart. They should understand that both physical intimacy and emotional closeness are integral parts of a fulfilling relationship that complement each other. Additionally, a supportive partner will believe in the collective responsibility of ensuring each other’s happiness within the relationship.
It’s important to realize that you don’t need to find someone who is perfect (or your soul mate for that matter)—because perfect partners simply don’t exist. Instead of searching endlessly for Mr. or Ms. Perfect-For-Me, focus on finding someone who is good for you.
This doesn’t mean settling for someone you’re not truly happy with but rather prioritizing what truly matters to you in a relationship. With a clear understanding of your priorities, you’ll be better equipped to accept imperfections and appreciate your partner for who they are.
For example, if your partner has less ambitious career aspirations, it could indicate that they prioritize relationships and other non-material aspects of life. One important thing to remember is not to dismiss someone too quickly just because they seem “nice but boring” on a date.
According to Levine and Heller (2010), some people mistake their attachment-related anxiety for feelings of love. If you feel comfortable and accepted by someone, your anxiety might not be triggered, so the “nice person” you met could actually be a great match for you, even if there isn’t an immediate sense of excitement.
Related Reading: How Our Childhood Attachment Influences Our Love Life
Imagine stumbling upon an old wedding ring partially buried in the ground, only to discover that it contains a genie with a unique power. This genie can make your dream partner appear before you or transform your current partner into your ideal match.
But there’s a catch—you have to provide a wish list detailing all the qualities you desire in a partner. This includes personality traits, communication style, parenting preferences, career aspirations, physical appearance, lifestyle choices, hobbies, and shared interests.
Take your time to create a detailed list, as the genie’s magic relies on the specificity of your desires. While it’s important to be realistic, don’t shy away from including even the smallest details that are important to you.
Remember, the genie may not exist in reality, but this exercise can help you clarify what you truly value in a partner. Think about the areas where you put too much pressure or too little pressure on a potential partner. With a clear understanding of your preferences (basic qualities you desire), you’ll be better equipped to recognize compatibility when you encounter it.
Having the “right” partner can indeed foster a sense of security and help you improve your relationship skills. However, even if you could magically summon this ideal partner, it wouldn’t guarantee a happy future on its own. Building a fulfilling relationship requires active participation from both parties.
Consider the strengths you bring to a relationship and how you can contribute to its health and growth. Reflect on areas where you can evolve and improve with the support and encouragement of a compatible partner. By recognizing your own assets and areas for growth, you’ll be better equipped to nurture a thriving relationship together.
As you embark on the journey of building a fulfilling relationship, keep in mind that it’s a process that requires time and effort. Intimacy doesn’t develop overnight, and overcoming insecurities takes patience and self-awareness.
To guide your reflection, consider the following questions:
Reflecting on these questions will help you understand your own needs and expectations, fostering healthier relationship dynamics and personal growth.
Take a moment to read over all the reflections you’ve written slowly. Let the words sink in as you read them again. Visualize the scenarios described and imagine yourself experiencing them. Allow yourself to feel the emotions associated with each question and response truly.
By immersing yourself in these reflections, you can gain a deeper understanding of what you’re seeking in a relationship. Let this process guide you to a clearer sense of what you truly desire and deserve in your quest for fulfillment.
Even with clear guidelines on what to look for in a partner, you might still wonder: How will I know when I’ve found someone who is just right for me? It’s tempting to believe that you’ll experience something unmistakably distinctive, like hearing angels sing, but relying on such a notion can be misleading.
People are often deceived by their biases, so it’s important to approach this question with caution. Your struggles with questioning your importance to others or your worthiness of love can significantly influence your relationships and choice of partner. These insecurities may manifest in various ways, impacting your perceptions and decisions.
Your struggles with questioning your importance to others or your worthiness of love can significantly influence your relationships and choice of partner. These insecurities may manifest in various ways, impacting your perceptions and decisions.
For example, they can make it difficult for you to recognize when closeness becomes too intense. Your desire for constant reassurance from your partner may inadvertently make them feel suffocated or controlled, especially if they don’t share the same need for closeness. Even if your partner also desires closeness, it’s essential to consider whether you feel supported in pursuing your individual interests or sacrificing parts of yourself for the sake of the relationship.
Your insecurities can also make it challenging for you to recognize when it’s necessary to walk away from a relationship where your partner is rejecting or emotionally distant. These situations often lead individuals to feel as though they have surrendered their power or lost themselves in the relationship dynamics.
If you typically prioritize your independence and activities over emotional connections, feelings of loneliness may be perplexing for you. However, this sense of loneliness could also serve as a motivation for you to seek out a partner.
You may be inclined to select a partner who shares your self-sufficiency, but this could potentially exacerbate feelings of loneliness, as mutual independence may not fulfill your emotional needs. Conversely, opting for someone who prioritizes deep emotional connections might make you feel uncomfortably close and even critical of their perceived neediness.
However, navigating through this complex situation is possible with compassionate self-awareness as your compass.
By fostering compassionate self-awareness and understanding your thoughts and emotions, you can effectively reflect on the reasons behind your inner experiences and behaviors—an ability known as mentalizing. This enables you to distinguish between potential good partners and those who may bring you ongoing distress.
Suppose you find yourself feeling intensely drawn to a new person and eager to get close quickly. In that case, it’s essential to recognize if this pattern has led to unsuccessful relationships in the past. Take a moment to pause and consider that rushing into things rapidly hasn’t resulted in the long-term, healthy, and happy relationship you desire.
While whirlwind romances can sometimes succeed, you enhance your chances of a successful relationship by allowing yourself time—time to get to know the other person truly and for them to understand you. Even if you feel an instant connection or a sense of familiarity, genuine intimacy takes time to develop. It’s important to remind yourself regularly that there are many aspects of each other that you have yet to discover.
To build patience, seek support from other areas of your life, such as family, friends, and activities that fulfill and validate you. By cultivating acceptance and value in various aspects of your life, you can reduce the urgency to rush into a relationship in hopes of finding instant, flawless love to avoid rejection.
Searching for the right partner is akin to panning for gold. Discovering something that shines can be thrilling, but it’s essential to proceed with caution. If you mistake fool’s gold for genuine treasure, you’ll end up disappointed and alone. In the process, you might miss out on authentic opportunities and become cynical about finding true love. Learn to identify and discard anything that isn’t genuine, and you’ll increase your chances of finding real, lasting love.
Be on the Alert for a Pursuit-Withdrawal Relationship
Getting caught in a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal with an avoidant individual is a prevalent issue. These relationships, characterized by such dynamics, often fail to provide genuine happiness, support, or fulfillment. Therefore, it’s crucial to be attentive when encountering someone who:
Your gut might churn from the conflicting messages. This person offers hope of your finally being loved but also supports your belief that you lack value or are unworthy of love.
In response, you might feel compelled to try harder to earn the love and acceptance that you seek. But your efforts probably won’t work. The extra excitement that you feel is most likely not so much the happiness of having met your true love as it is anxiety about being rejected. And the other person’s need for distance will continue to leave you feeling rejected.
However, if you think there really is hope, talk directly with your partner about what you are thinking, feeling, and looking for. He might be willing to work with you on improving the relationship. You might also find that the problem lies more in your insecurities than in your partner’s behavior—in which case, you need to focus on working through your issues.
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