Harmony in marriage stems from fulfilled expectations, while conflict in divorce often arises from unmet ones. Every individual brings their own set of expectations into a marriage, and not all will be met, inevitably causing friction. This is true not only in marriage but in all aspects of life.
Expectations are inherent in human relationships—they shape our hopes, dreams, and interactions. While having no expectations is unrealistic, learning to manage them is crucial to a happy marriage. By understanding and addressing our own unspoken expectations and those of our partners, we can create a more fulfilling, resilient, and healthy marriage. This balance can transform potential sources of conflict into opportunities for growth and deeper intimacy.
In this article, we will explore the common realistic and unrealistic expectations in marriage, how they impact relationships, and practical strategies for managing them. By recognizing and addressing these expectations, couples can strengthen their bond and navigate the complexities of married life more easily.
Common Unrealistic Expectations and Their Issues
Let’s look at some common things people say before they get married and the issues with these unrealistic expectations:
- “I want a husband/wife who ‘understands’ me.” This expectation is vague and can lead to misunderstandings. Saying “he/she never understands me” is too general. Instead, be specific about what you need to feel understood in various situations.
- “I want a romantic, charming, movie star-like spouse.” This dreamy expectation often clashes with reality. Your partner might be an introverted intellectual who romances ideas rather than singing love songs in the rain. Expecting a fantasy can lead to disappointment, like expecting a newborn to walk and talk immediately.
- “I want a husband/wife who makes me feel like a Queen/King.” This expectation is unrealistic. Only a King or Queen can truly understand how that feels, and it’s an ambiguous standard to hold your spouse to.
- “He/she should be like my best friend.” While friendship is important in marriage, spouses and friends play different roles. A spouse is always present and comes from a different context, requiring higher tolerance levels. Mixing these roles can lead to unmet expectations.
- “I want a husband who earns a lot of money.” There aren’t many Bill Gates around. If your husband has a job that covers the basics, it’s important to manage this expectation. The mind often remains unsatisfied with any amount of money, making it a potential source of frustration.
- “I want a wife who speaks softly, warmly, gently.” If your wife speaks stridently, comparing her to others can lead to dissatisfaction. Accept her communication style instead of wishing she were different.
- “I want a wife who speaks to me like she does with her friends.” Women often speak more enthusiastically with other women. Expecting the same dynamic with you can lead to unmet expectations since the contexts are different.
These expectations are far removed from everyday reality. They are idealistic and not sustainable over a lifetime. Meeting day-to-day needs is essential before chasing romantic and idealistic expectations. Family life is largely about daily routines. Below is a list of realistic expectations for a typical couple.
What are true realistic expectations in marriage?
I want a husband who:
- Helps with household chores and grocery/clothes shopping.
- Takes care of the kids before they exhaust me.
- Respects my parents and relatives as he does his own.
- Tells me if he will be home late or miss dinner.
- Praises my cooking and acknowledges my efficiency in managing the house.
- Does not make demands when I am tired or emotionally drained.
- Compliments my dress sense.
- Does not contradict me in front of others, even if I am wrong.
- Does not interfere when I am reprimanding the children.
- Listens attentively, without interrupting, and makes eye contact.
- Adds “please” and “thank you” to requests and conversations.
- Takes me to concerts, plays, shopping, movies, and long drives.
- Gives me surprise gifts.
- Keeps me informed about his savings and our financial security.
- Spends more time talking with me than on his phone.
- Avoids giving obvious solutions.
- Does not say “no” to everything I suggest.
- Is proactive and does not need detailed instructions like a child.
- Acknowledges my ideas in public and gives me credit.
I want a wife who:
- Keeps the house presentable for visitors without my help.
- Does not constantly ask where I go or how I spend my money.
- Takes care of the children’s education, health, and upbringing.
- Does not correct my pronunciation in public.
- Resolves children’s disputes without asking me to take sides.
- Does the grocery and vegetable shopping independently.
- Does not make me wait for hours while she shops leisurely.
- Empathizes with the long hours I work and the stress from my boss.
- Supports me even if I don’t earn a lot or have a high-status job.
- Does not get irritated with my parents, even if they are irritating.
- Does not ask me to run errands during XYZ.
- Gives clear instructions and avoids speaking in riddles or expecting me to read her mind.
Some of these marital expectations may conflict with your spouse’s and need to be resolved through negotiation and compromise. Others you may simply have to accept and live with.
The Impact of Daily Expectations on Perceptions
Without meeting the expectations of daily life, even a kind and considerate husband will not earn any brownie points. These everyday expectations shape our broader, grander ones.
For example, if the husband does not inform his wife that he will be home late, she might interpret it as “he does not love me,” leaving him bewildered by the connection.
Similarly, if the wife spends time talking with friends on the phone, the husband might think, “she cares more for her friends than me.” The mind is capable of jumping to all sorts of conclusions. Effective communication is essential in managing these daily expectations and preventing misunderstandings.
The Dynamic Nature of Unspoken Expectations
Expectations are dynamic; they evolve over time. What you desire at the time of marriage may not be the same as you grow older. Moreover, once one expectation is met, another will inevitably take its place. For instance, if wealth was a primary expectation, once achieved, it may be replaced by a desire for spending quality time together as a family. And if that need is fulfilled, the expectation might shift to extended holidays or other pursuits. The mind craves expectations to occupy itself, continually generating new ones.
When expectations go unmet, repercussions extend into other areas of a spouse’s life, too. Petty fault-finding, criticism, complaints, long faces, dissatisfaction, and anger often permeate everyday conversations. However, we may not immediately link these tendencies to unmet expectations. The only way to truly understand their source is to meet the expectations and observe if these negative tendencies diminish in frequency.
Understanding and managing expectations within a marriage is crucial for fostering communication, mutual understanding, emotional support, and overall relationship satisfaction.
Tailoring Expectations to Match Partner’s Capabilities
The ideal relationship involves each partner assessing what the other is capable of giving and expecting only that which aligns with their abilities. We can only offer what we are capable of giving. Therefore, our expectations must be tailored to match our partner’s capabilities.
Having fairy tale expectations and demanding that the other person meet them is unfair, unrealistic, and bound to lead to frustration. An introvert cannot suddenly become an extrovert, just as a kinesthetic person cannot transform into an auditory learner. Expecting a Gemini to behave like a Scorpio or a deer to act like a tiger is futile.
Understanding and accepting these inherent differences is key to smoother relationships. Open, honest communication and mutual acceptance play crucial roles in managing expectations and fostering understanding between partners. When this realization sinks in, partners can navigate their differences with greater ease and mutual respect.
The Hidden Dangers of Fulfilled Expectations
There are hidden dangers in fulfilled expectations. Let’s say your husband is very tolerant and patient. Soon, you may take this for granted, assuming he will be like this for the rest of his life. It is then no longer an expectation. This is the real danger we face. We must keep noticing fulfilled expectations and feel grateful for them. Each time he exhibits these qualities, he deserves compliments and praise. While he may not excel in areas like romance or humor, focusing solely on these aspects can lead to a lack of gratitude for his enduring qualities.
Similarly, your wife may not possess certain traits you desire, but she may excel in making people feel warm and welcome. This extraordinary quality deserves appreciation and recognition. By focusing more on these positive qualities and less on what she lacks, a great healthy relationship can flourish.
We should prioritize enduring character traits over ego-based demands. While it’s natural to desire wealth, status, and material possessions, relying on these for fulfillment can lead to disaster in a relationship. The ego is insatiable and can never be satisfied, no matter what it receives.
Instead, we must value human qualities such as tolerance, kindness, patience, generosity, forgiveness, responsibility, trustworthiness, and empathy. These qualities can be cultivated by most people and are the foundation of a strong and fulfilling relationship. If your spouse possesses even a few of these character traits, consider yourself blessed—it’s a gift from existence that surpasses any material wealth.
Prioritizing Foundational Qualities in a Partner
We should not overly emphasize traits such as brilliance, wit, talent, intellectualism, artistry, or charm in a spouse. While these qualities are undoubtedly attractive, they require an inborn spark to be truly natural and may not be sufficient for stable family relationships. Instead, they are better suited for other areas of life, such as career or social interactions.
Are you seeking a hero or heroine as your mate? Let them remain in movies, novels, and fantasies—bringing these qualities home may lead to disappointment. People who possess such traits often only showcase them with others, not within the confines of their own homes.
In considering a life partner, we must prioritize qualities like responsibility, faithfulness, tolerance, tenderness, and empathy over flamboyance, charisma, or adventure. What if someone isn’t brilliant but is deeply empathetic? What if they lack talent but are exceptionally caring? Flamboyance and charisma may dazzle on stage, but they have limited value within the intimacy of a marriage.
Additionally, compatibility and shared values play a crucial role in the success of a marriage. Couples who share similar values and goals are more likely to build a strong and lasting relationship.
How can you learn and understand your partner’s expectations in marriage?
Learning your partner’s expectations begins with paying attention to their everyday expressions. Every request, desire, want, wish, and hope they voice represents an expectation. Likewise, each complaint, display of anger, or expression of dissatisfaction hints at what they expect.
These expectations aren’t always explicitly stated; they’re often conveyed through both spoken and unspoken language, including body language. Sensitizing ourselves to this language of expectations is crucial for navigating our relationships successfully, ensuring we can understand and address our partner’s needs effectively.
Balancing Expectations: Increasing Self-Reliance
It’s essential to balance our expectations by increasing those from ourselves while decreasing them from others. This is a realm within our control. We can’t force others to meet our expectations, and relying solely on them for our happiness often leads to empty feelings and strained relationships.
Becoming self-reliant is the antidote. By focusing our effort on what we can do for ourselves rather than what others should do for us, we lighten the burden on those around us. Other people are on their own pursuit of happiness; they aren’t solely responsible for ours.
Shifting our perspective to become more other-centric can help break the cycle of unrealistic expectations. Asking ourselves, “What can I do to make my family, friends, and colleagues happy?” redirects our focus away from our own desires and fosters a more harmonious environment.
If we give our expectations too much power, they become insatiable and difficult to control. Finding a balance between self-reliance and consideration for others is key to maintaining healthy relationships.
If we give our expectations too much power, they become insatiable and difficult to control. Finding a balance between self-reliance and consideration for others is key to maintaining healthy relationships.
