Look up the definition of loneliness. You’ll find various definitions, but they generally share some common elements: a feeling of pain or sadness, a sense of being isolated or alone, and a perceived lack of closeness to others.
Most definitions are variations of these basic traits. However, they don’t specify whether loneliness stems from internal factors, like one’s own disposition, or external factors, like the environment in which someone lives.
In contrast, defining loneliness solely in terms of failed social support, as done by the Norwegian Institute of Public Health, doesn’t suffice. This is because there are individuals with adequate social support who still experience chronic loneliness.
On the other hand, many individuals may have poor social support but do not experience loneliness. While there are statistical relationships between social support and loneliness, loneliness must be defined based on subjective experience rather than objective determinants like a lack of social support.
However, one thing is true: loneliness can be a serious issue for those experiencing it. It can greatly affect their quality of life, as well as their physical and mental health.
Loneliness can be challenging to talk about because it often carries a sense of shame. Yet, some of our most meaningful moments can happen when we’re alone. Solitude, as it’s often referred to in this context, can teach us valuable lessons about ourselves and our connection to the world.
This blog series on loneliness is the outcome of my efforts to understand what loneliness truly is, who experiences it, why it arises, persists, and fades away, and how we can address loneliness both as individuals and as a society.
The Misconceptions Of Loneliness
There are various misconceptions about loneliness that currently exist. For example, many people believe that loneliness affects more men than women or that lonely individuals are more isolated than others. Additionally, some may think that the rise in single-person households would significantly contribute to the number of lonely individuals.
I myself thought that social media contributed to loneliness due to it replacing face-to-face interaction. Additionally, I assumed that loneliness is influenced more by social factors than individual personality traits.
It’s common to believe that the rise in loneliness is linked to late modern individualism, with individualistic societies thought to have higher rates of loneliness compared to collective societies. However, my work on this subject has challenged these assumptions, revealing a more nuanced understanding of loneliness and its causes.
Indeed, these assumptions are often portrayed in mass media, where phrases like “loneliness epidemic” are frequently used. As of now, a Google search for “loneliness + epidemic” yields almost 1,000,000 results.
However, these assumptions about loneliness can be quite misleading. In reality, the so-called “loneliness epidemic” seems to be more prevalent in the mass media itself, where the term “loneliness” has been increasingly used over the years.
Loneliness is getting more attention lately, but that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s more of it happening.
Is loneliness an epidemic?
Despite claims that we’re living in the “age of loneliness” and facing an “epidemic of loneliness,” there’s no evidence to suggest that loneliness is more common now than in the past. Indeed, epidemiological studies over the last few decades suggest that loneliness is not any more widespread now than it was previously.
Furthermore, when we examine the history of ideas, we don’t see the concept of loneliness emerging at a particular time and quickly becoming prevalent, as is the case with “boredom.”
Variations of the concept of loneliness can be found circulating from Old Testament times up to today. The discussion surrounding loneliness has surged at certain times, for instance, during the Enlightenment and Romantic eras. However, unlike “boredom,” loneliness is directly tied to social changes occurring in those times since loneliness had long been established as a general human emotion.
Nonetheless, the last three decades have seen an increase in loneliness studies. While increased awareness of a problem might give us reason to think its severity is also increasing, we have no basis for assuming that to be the case here.
Moreover, when I differentiate in this blog between the lonely and the non-lonely, these idealizations can create the impression that individuals are so uniform that they can be divided into one group or the other, with a clear line drawn between them. Where in reality, we are talking about a continuum.
General statements about loneliness must always be read with the idea in mind that enormous variation exists in both the causes and experiences of loneliness.
Obviously, the emotion experienced by a bullying victim is primarily due to external causes, whereas the persistent loneliness of a person whose entire life has been spent surrounded by friends and a loving family must instead be sought in that individual’s inner emotional and cognitive dispositions or in the development of them.
General statements like ‘lonely people tend to have more of x suggest that lonely individuals often show certain traits. However, there’s a lot of variation within the group, and not every lonely person will exhibit that trait.
It would be better if we could differentiate further, saying that trait x is common among those with type 1 loneliness but not among those with type 2, but we don’t have enough research to do this accurately yet.
Generally, most people find spending time with others more satisfying than being alone, but individual preferences vary. Being alone itself is neither inherently positive nor negative.
Loneliness Is More A General Human Phenomenon Than An Epidemic
You’re likely familiar with loneliness from various moments in your life: from childhood days when it felt like everyone had a playmate except you, from evenings spent wishing for company, from being at a party where you hardly knew anyone, from lying next to a partner knowing the relationship was ending, and from being alone in an empty apartment after they’ve left for good.
Love always comes with a cost, and loneliness is one part of that cost. When someone you care about or love leaves you, whether physically or emotionally, you’ll likely experience loneliness. You could try to protect yourself by avoiding close relationships, but that would only lead to even greater loneliness.
Loneliness not only separates you from others but also disconnects you from important aspects of yourself that can only grow through relationships with others. Stendhal expresses this idea by saying, “Everything can be acquired in solitude, except character.”
In essence, you cannot fully develop as a human being in isolation. Your connections with others and the shared experiences shape your humanity.
C.S. Lewis captures this sentiment by stating, “As soon as we are fully conscious, we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves.”
Indeed, it’s not just about needing others; we also need to be needed by others. Loneliness can persist even in crowded places or serene natural settings. The song “All is Loneliness” encapsulates this feeling with its repetitive and profoundly melancholic tone.
The song “All is Loneliness” was penned by Moondog, a blind and homeless artist from New York City. He composed it while seated in a doorway amidst the bustling streets of Manhattan, one of the world’s most densely populated cities.
This underscores the paradoxical sense of loneliness that can permeate even the most crowded urban environments, as noted by Georg Simmel in his essay “The Metropolis and Mental Life.”
Georg Simmel underscores that loneliness doesn’t necessarily stem from a lack of community but rather from an unrealized vision of community. If humans were not inherently social beings, loneliness wouldn’t be a concept. It’s our social nature that makes us feel isolated in environments where we lack meaningful connections.
Alexis de Tocqueville also articulated this idea in the 1830s while examining democracy in America. In one of his letters, Alexis de Tocqueville notes that being alone in a desert feels less severe than being alone among people.
This sentiment highlights the grim atmosphere of urban life, depicted vividly in a 2004 cartoon from The New Yorker. The cartoon features a street vendor offering eye contact for a fee of one dollar. Loneliness is indeed present in big cities, but it’s not exclusive to urban areas. Loneliness can be felt anywhere people live, whether it’s in a bustling metropolis, a small town, or a rural community.
Everyone likely experiences loneliness at some point. If someone claims they’ve never felt lonely, it may indicate an emotional deficiency. This is because humans inherently need connections with others, but it’s unrealistic to expect this need to be fulfilled at every moment throughout life.
On the flip side, many people in surveys claim they “never” feel lonely. This likely means that they don’t experience loneliness regularly, but they are aware of the feeling and acknowledge that it could happen to them.
The Reality Of Loneliness
Being alone can encompass both our best and worst moments, depending on how we experience it. We can all acknowledge the pain of loneliness, yet many believe that it’s a crucial part of personal growth.
Immanuel Kant nicely captures this inherent duality of loneliness in his phrase “unsocial sociability.” We are drawn towards others because we need them, yet at the same time, we also feel the need for distance and solitude.
The reality of loneliness is that it exists in each of us, and there’s no assurance that our longing for connection will always be fulfilled in life. Some people rarely feel lonely, while others experience it frequently, even constantly. Periodic loneliness can occur during ordinary moments or during significant life challenges. We’re all familiar with loneliness, but not everyone experiences it as a significant, long-lasting issue.
Some people face loneliness so often and in various situations that it becomes chronic, while others experience it periodically, which is more manageable but still uncomfortable. Chronic loneliness is a condition that can threaten a person’s entire existence.
It’s interesting to consider how loneliness can be viewed differently by different people. For some, it can be a gift, offering opportunities for introspection and personal growth. However, for others, it can feel like a curse, leading to feelings of sadness and isolation. Remarkably, one experience can evoke such contrasting reactions.
Loneliness Vs. Solitude
It’s interesting how the English language distinguishes between loneliness and solitude. In the past, these terms were often used interchangeably, but over time, a clearer distinction emerged. Loneliness tends to imply a negative emotional state, while solitude is more often seen as a positive experience.
In psychological and sociological literature, loneliness is often studied more extensively than solitude. While one can be alienated without realizing it, loneliness inherently involves discomfort or pain due to a perceived lack of one’s connections with others.
Longing is a key aspect of loneliness, indicating a desire to bridge the physical or emotional gap between oneself and someone one cares about.
Loneliness often entails a longing for the presence of someone who is no longer around, like a departed family member or friend, a child who has moved away, or an absent parent or partner. It can also involve a yearning for a deeper connection with someone who is physically present, as in a marriage where the partners have grown distant.
Longing can also be vague, leading to a desire for closeness with someone without a clear idea of who that might be. Without this longing, which itself can be painful, a person may be alone but not necessarily lonely.
Conclusion
Loneliness is an emotional reaction to the realization that a person’s need for connection with others is not fulfilled. It’s crucial to understand that loneliness is an emotion, as it’s frequently mistaken for other experiences, particularly being alone.
Being alone and feeling lonely are indeed separate experiences. You can be alone without feeling lonely, and you can feel lonely even when surrounded by others.
Loneliness is like pulling back socially, feeling uncomfortable because we’re missing out on the connections we need. It’s also a kind of social pain.
Loneliness is often linked to certain character traits that make it harder for us to connect with others. This can create a cycle where loneliness reinforces itself.
In the end, we might argue that the main issue we’re dealing with today isn’t so much an increase in loneliness but rather a scarcity of solitude.
