We often bind our children to us without realizing it by making them reliant on our approval, making them slaves to our judgments. Whether we constantly withhold our approval or make them dependent on it, the result is the same: a child who is always looking for praise.
Imagine how it must feel for a child to be deprived of approval and fearful of disapproval. This is vastly different from knowing they are unconditionally accepted and honored. Every child understands that their behavior might sometimes get them into trouble, but this isn’t the same as feeling unaccepted and disrespected for who they fundamentally are.
As parents, it’s crucial to break free from the illusion that it’s our place to approve or disapprove of who our children are. Who are we to judge them? They need to know that simply by existing; they have a right to approval for who they intrinsically are.
We don’t grant this right; it comes inherently with their birth. From the moment they are born, they have the right to speak their mind, express their feelings, and embody their spirit. Our role is to recognize and honor these rights, helping them grow into confident and self-assured individuals.
Why Are Approval and Disapproval Forms of Control?
It may come as a surprise to hear that both disapproval and approval of kids can be forms of control. While we can certainly praise our children and celebrate their successes, it’s easy to introduce the taint of approval or disapproval, which quickly affects how our children feel about their basic being. Whether our children are artistic, academic, risk-takers, into sports, musical, dreamers, or introverts, these traits should have no bearing on how we regard them.
On a grander scale, it isn’t our place to approve or disapprove of whether our children are religious, inclined towards marriage, ambitious, or possess any other traits. While a child’s behavior can be guided and modified to help them align more closely with their true selves, their core being must be unconditionally celebrated.
When our children do things differently than we want them to—such as choosing a religion other than ours, pursuing a different profession than we dreamed of for them, or marrying someone we disapprove of—how we respond is a barometer of our consciousness. Are we able to respond with the realization that they have the right to manifest their inner being in their unique way? Our children need to grow up with the awareness that who they are is worthy of celebration.
Of course, parents will say they do celebrate their children. After all, don’t they feel good when we celebrate their birthdays, take them to the movies, buy them gifts, and spend fortunes at the toy store? If this isn’t celebrating a child’s being, then what is?
Without our realizing it, we so often endorse our child’s behaviour and actions rather than just being. Celebrating our children’s being means allowing them to exist without the snares of our expectations.
When a parent’s praise is solely tied to their child’s behaviour, it creates a challenge. On one hand, their children’s self-esteem deflates if they do not constantly offer what they may even deem too much praise. On the other hand, the parent’s too much praise is the only thing that keeps their children from having low self-esteem, creating a lose-lose. Consequently, the child’s motivation becomes tethered to seeking approval from their parents.
Why Children Seek Praise?
Children seek parent praise for various reasons; here are child development perspectives on why this happens:
- Process praise acts as a potent form of social reinforcement, affirming their behaviors and accomplishments. Through social interactions, children learn to associate praise with positive outcomes, motivating them to repeat desirable behaviors in the future.
- Children have an inherent need for validation and approval, particularly from significant others like parents or caregivers. Seeking praise becomes a way for children to garner acceptance and recognition, fostering a sense of security and belonging within the family dynamic.
- Process praise plays a pivotal role in shaping a child’s self-esteem and self-concept. Positive feedback bolsters their perception of competence and mastery, fueling their confidence and eagerness to explore and learn further.
In summary, children seek attention-seeking praise as a means of social reinforcement, validation, and affirmation, all vital to their socio-emotional development.
Why is my child constantly seeking validation?
The need for acceptance and approval drives your child’s attention-seeking behavior, a fundamental aspect of child development. As parents, we play a central role in shaping our children’s self-concept and sense of worth. When young children can perceive that their worth is contingent upon external validation, such as praise and approval from authority figures like parents, they may develop a habit of constantly seeking validation.
Moreover, consider how we offer praise, positive attention, and validation to our children. If we primarily focus on praising their actions or good behavior rather than appreciating and acknowledging who they are as individuals, it can contribute to this pattern of seeking validation.
When children feel their inherent qualities and uniqueness are not being recognized or valued, they seek external validation to fill this perceived gap.
Therefore, it’s crucial to celebrate your child’s accomplishments (of course), but more importantly, we must validate and appreciate their intrinsic qualities and traits.
Fostering an environment of unconditional acceptance and appreciation for who they are can help reduce the need for constant validation-seeking behavior. This approach nurtures a healthier and more resilient sense of self-esteem and self-concept in your child, grounded in the understanding that they are valued simply for being themselves.
How Can You Show Your Children They Are Valued for Who They Are?
It’s crucial to revel in our children’s existence without them having to do a single thing, prove anything, or accomplish any kind of goal. Regardless of how it manifests, our children’s core is pure and loving. When we honor this core, they trust that we understand their internal world is good and worthy, irrespective of external manifestations. Our ability to stay connected to their core, holding steady through periods when their external world may be falling apart, conveys the message that they are of immense value.
Now, let’s explore some ways in which you can let your children know they are accepted simply for themselves, quite apart from anything they do:
- When they are resting, let them know how appreciated they are.
- While sitting together, express how happy you are to be with them.
- If they are walking in the house, take a moment to say, “Thank you for being in my life.”
- When they hold your hand, express how much you love holding theirs.
- As they wake up in the morning, consider writing them a letter expressing how blessed you are to see them first thing.
- Upon picking them up from school, express how much you missed them.
- When they smile, let them know your heart is warmed.
- If they kiss you, express how much you love being in their presence.
Whether you have an infant or, a five-year-old, or a teen, your children need to feel that just because they exist, they delight you. They need to know they don’t have to do anything to earn your undivided attention. They deserve to feel as if, just by being born, they have earned the right to be adored.
Why Does Total Acceptance Matter for Your Child?
Children who grow up feeling deeply accepted develop a lasting inner connection and emotional resilience. From an early age, they understand that their true individuality holds the greatest value in relationships, guiding them through life’s challenges. Grounded in this intrinsic sense of worth, they don’t seek external validation or crave constant attention and praise but instead find joy in celebrating their authentic selves.
How Can We Accept Our Children?
Accepting our children in their as-is state requires us to surrender our ideas of who they “should” be—a surrender that’s akin to a psychic death—and enter into a state of pure communion with them so that we can respond to their needs authentically. As we let go of our preconceived notions and expectations, we open ourselves up to a profound transformation alongside our children.
In this journey of parenthood, our children become our greatest teachers, leading us toward growth and self-discovery. Embracing the ever-shifting adventure of parenting allows us to evolve and be reborn alongside our children’s budding spirits. If we remain open to the lessons and encouragement they offer, our children can serve as our guides, illuminating the path to greater understanding and acceptance.
A Real-Life Example of How We Struggle to Accept Our Children
Jason and Emily (we changed their names to protect their identity), a couple deeply invested in their careers, found themselves struggling to accept their daughter’s learning disabilities. Despite their high-achieving backgrounds, they couldn’t come to terms with their daughter’s academic limitations.
Lily’s learning disabilities extended beyond academics; she also struggled with social interactions and handling daily life. Lily’s interests and preferences were vastly different from what Jason and Emily had envisioned for her. While Jason, a sports enthusiast, hoped for Lily to excel in outdoor activities, Lily preferred indoor hobbies like reading and painting.
Feeling frustrated by Lily’s unique personality, Jason often criticized her, while Emily, a corporate executive, believed in traditional gender roles and wanted Lily to conform to societal expectations of strength and dominance. Both parents attempted to mold Lily according to their ideals, pushing her to engage in activities she had no interest in and ridiculing her struggles with schoolwork.
Homework and study sessions became sources of tension and conflict in their household. Lily couldn’t keep up with the demands of mainstream education, which her parents refused to acknowledge. Despite their differing approaches to parenting, both Jason and Emily resorted to abusive behavior, belittling Lily and berating her for her academic difficulties.
As their frustration mounted, Jason and Emily’s relationship deteriorated. They became resentful of each other, blaming Lily for their unhappiness and ultimately deciding to divorce. When they broke the news to Lily, they hoped it would shock her into changing her behavior, unaware that their own unresolved issues as a couple were at the root of their problems.
It wasn’t until Jason and Emily recognized how their negativity stemmed from their inability to accept Lily for who she was that they began to transform their relationship. As they became aware of their unconscious patterns and the impact on Lily, they realized they needed to address the underlying issues in their marriage. Through months of hard work and introspection, they were finally able to release Lily from the burden of carrying their emotional baggage.
How to Start Embracing Acceptance in Parenting
While we may not endorse a particular behavior, we must always unequivocally and wholeheartedly endorse our children’s right to be who they are in their core state. Accepting our children enables us to raise them without judgment, dealing with them from a neutral state. Responding to them as they need to be responded to, instead of in a manner reflective of our own past conditioning, requires unequivocal surrender to the wisdom of who they are, who they are yet to become, and what they can teach us about ourselves in the process.
What ACCEPTANCE is not
Acceptance is often considered a passive matter. This is a gross misunderstanding. Acceptance can’t just be an intellectual decision but must involve our entire heart and mind. I want to emphasize that acceptance is anything but passive. It’s a highly active, intensely alive process. To illustrate what acceptance looks like in practice, let me share with you how Jason and Emily could’ve shown their daughter acceptance from the very beginning.
Embracing Acceptance: What Jason and Emily Could’ve Done Differently
Despite Jason and Emily’s backgrounds, they approached Lily’s differences with open hearts and minds, recognizing her unique strengths and challenges.
Lily’s learning disabilities, encompassing both academic struggles and social interactions, prompted Jason and Emily to explore new ways of nurturing her growth and development.
Instead of viewing Lily’s differences as limitations, they saw them as opportunities to celebrate her individuality and provide tailored support. While Jason, a sports enthusiast, enjoyed outdoor activities, he embraced Lily’s preference for indoor hobbies like reading and painting. He recognized that Lily’s interests were diverse and encouraged her to explore them without judgment or pressure to conform to traditional gender roles.
Emily, although a corporate executive understood that societal expectations of strength and dominance were not the only measures of success. She supported Lily’s journey with patience and empathy, ensuring that Lily felt accepted and valued for who she was.
Homework and study sessions became collaborative opportunities for Jason, Emily, and Lily to work together and find creative solutions to challenges. They approached Lily’s education with flexibility and understanding, recognizing that mainstream education might not always cater to her unique needs.
As their journey unfolded, Jason and Emily’s relationship flourished as they embraced Lily’s differences as a source of strength and resilience. They navigated the ups and downs of parenting with grace and compassion, prioritizing Lily’s well-being above all else. Their unwavering acceptance of Lily’s true self-created a nurturing and supportive environment in which Lily thrived.
Jason and Emily’s relationship grew stronger as they learned to celebrate Lily’s uniqueness and embrace the richness of diversity within their family.
In this scenario, they accepted their daughter in her true form right from the start; she had been able to nurture her authentic self without condition, judgment, or guilt.
The entire family celebrated her life for what it was. Here was a family who didn’t need their daughter to enact their fantasies or fulfill their dreams. They didn’t use their daughter to heal their unresolved wounds or bolster their ego.
Who she was in her essence was clearly different from them. Creating spaciousness between ourselves and our children helps foster the greatest togetherness.
How to Help Your Child End Their Attention-Seeking Behavior?
1. Embrace Your Child’s Unique Journey
Parenting isn’t a one-size-fits-all endeavor. Respecting your child’s individual path teaches them to value their own inner voice while appreciating the perspectives of others. This fosters healthy relationships built on interdependence, which iscrucial for navigating adulthood successfully. By acknowledging and honoring each child’s distinct nature, you equip them with the skills to thrive in a diverse world.
Let Go of Preconceived Notions
Disengage from rigid expectations and embrace each child’s uniqueness. Parenting isn’t about fitting into a predetermined mold but adapting to meet your child’s needs. Whether your child’s behavior requires gentle guidance or assertive direction, tailor your approach to their temperament. Release fantasies of who your child should be and embrace who they are unapologetically.
Embrace Reality Over Fantasy
Parenthood often challenges our preconceived notions. When faced with a child who defies expectations, recalibrate your mindset. Embrace the reality of the child you have, relinquishing unrealistic fantasies. Acceptance doesn’t equate to passivity but acknowledges your child’s intrinsic being. Adjusting behavior comes later; first, accept and understand your child’s essence.
Respond to Your Child’s Needs
Understanding your child’s behavior requires discerning their underlying motivations. Respond to defiance with firmness, offer understanding for emotional struggles, and provide comfort for clinginess. Respect their need for solitude, encourage joy in appropriate contexts, and guide them towards focus when necessary. Each response is tailored to nurture your child’s holistic development.
Embracing your child’s unique journey involves accepting various aspects of their personality and behavior:
- Accepting your child’s differences
- Accepting their quiet nature
- Accepting their stubbornness
- Accepting their need for time to warm up
- Accepting their friendly demeanor
- Accepting their quickness to become upset
- Accepting their desire to please others
- Accepting their resistance to change
- Accepting their fear of new people
- Accepting their occasional misbehavior
- Accepting their moodiness
- Accepting their gentle disposition
- Accepting their timidity
- Accepting their shyness
- Accepting their tendency to be bossy
- Accepting their defiance
- Accepting their inclination to follow others
- Accepting their temperamental nature
- Accepting their academic challenges
- Accepting their lack of drive or motivation
- Accepting their tendency to lie under pressure
- Accepting their dramatic tendencies
- Accepting their difficulty sitting still
- Accepting their unique way of navigating the world
- Accepting their individuality
- Recognizing the importance of setting firm boundaries for their well-being.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance
Accepting your child for who they are also requires accepting yourself and recognizing the kind of parent you need to be for them. For instance, when we acknowledged that our daughter was more street-smart than we initially thought, we adjusted our parenting approach accordingly. Rather than expecting her to conform to our idealized image of innocence, we embraced her intelligence and adapted our interactions with her.
By accepting our daughter, we let go of the misconception that her cleverness was manipulative. This shift allowed us to move away from parenting fantasies and become the parents she truly needed. Our journey of acceptance highlighted the interconnectedness between accepting our children and accepting ourselves. How can we expect to raise independent, free-thinking children if we haven’t cultivated those qualities within ourselves? Our ability to nurture our children’s autonomy and spirit is intricately tied to our own self-acceptance and personal growth.
As we embark on the journey of accepting our children, it’s equally important to accept ourselves. Here are some areas to embrace self-acceptance:
- I accept that I am a human being before I am a parent.
- I accept my limitations and shortcomings, understanding that it’s okay to have them.
- I accept that I don’t always have all the answers or know the right way.
- I accept that I may feel ashamed to admit my own failings at times.
- I accept that I can lose my center worse than my child ever does.
- I accept that I can be selfish and unthinking in my dealings with my child.
- I accept that I may fumble and stumble as a parent.
- I accept that I don’t always know how to respond to my child.
- I accept that sometimes I say and do the wrong thing with my child.
- I accept that there are times when I’m too tired or preoccupied to be fully present for my child.
- I accept that I am trying my best and that this effort is good enough.
- I accept my imperfections and the imperfect nature of my life.
- I accept my desire for power and control, as well as my ego.
- I accept my yearning for consciousness, even though I may sabotage myself when I’m about to enter this state.
Embracing self-acceptance allows us to approach parenting with greater compassion, understanding, and authenticity. It enables us to acknowledge our humanity and connect with our children from a place of genuine acceptance and love.
Why Accepting Yourself Is Vital To Parenting
When we struggle to accept our children, it often stems from unresolved issues and old wounds within ourselves. These wounds threaten our ego-attachments, making it challenging to fully embrace our children as they are. Unless we address these underlying issues, we may find ourselves trapped in a cycle of trying to control or dominate our children, or allowing them to dominate us.
It’s crucial to recognize that any barriers to accepting our children originate from our own past conditioning. A parent who cannot accept themselves wholly will struggle to accept their children. Acceptance of our children is intertwined with self-acceptance. Only when we honor ourselves can we truly honor our children?
Sometimes, we mistake resignation for acceptance. For instance, if we tell ourselves, “I accept that my child is always defiant,” we’re not truly accepting them but resigning to a fixed belief. Conversely, if we overly idealize our children, such as saying, “I accept that my child is a genius,” it’s not genuine acceptance but grandiosity.
When we impose our expectations onto our children, we resist who they truly are, which can lead to dysfunction. However, accepting our children for who they are brings a sense of liberation and inner spaciousness. Instead of defining ourselves by the need for control, we enter into a state of kinship with our children. By starting from where our children are, rather than our idealized fantasies, we can support them in shaping themselves in alignment with their true essence.
Conclusion
Embracing acceptance in parenting is a profound journey that begins with recognizing and honoring the uniqueness of each child. It involves letting go of preconceived notions and societal expectations and, instead, tuning into the individual needs and essence of our children. Through acceptance, we foster an environment of trust, respect, and unconditional love, allowing our children to flourish authentically.
Acceptance is not passive but an active, ongoing process that requires introspection, self-awareness, and a willingness to confront our own insecurities and limitations. By accepting our children as they are, we create space for growth, learning, and mutual understanding within the parent-child relationship.
As parents, we must also extend acceptance to ourselves, acknowledging our imperfections and limitations without judgment. Only by embracing our own humanity can we model self-acceptance for our children and cultivate a nurturing environment where they feel safe to explore, experiment, and evolve.
In the end, acceptance is the cornerstone of effective parenting, guiding us to parent from a place of empathy, compassion, and authenticity. By embracing acceptance, we empower our children to embrace their true selves and journey confidently through life’s ups and downs, knowing they are unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are.
