Can I have a porn-free marriage?

In The Dark Side of the Internet: Pornography Addiction, I referenced multiple statistics about pornography. 

Some of them were: 

• 17% of adults watch porn daily

• 65% of men watch porn at least 1x a week

• 18% of women watch porn at least 1x a week

Since then, Covenant Eyes, a site that continuously updates pornography statistics, has released some additional statistics on pornography:

• 28,258 users are watching pornography every second

• $3,075.64 is spent on porn every second on the Internet

• 1 in 5 mobile searches are for pornography

• 43% of senior pastors and youth pastors say they have struggled with pornography in the past

• 64% of Christian men say they watch porn at least once a month

• 15% of Christian women say they watch porn at least once a month

• Only 7% of pastors report their church has a ministry program for those struggling with porn

Translation chances are high that your husband, boyfriend, brother, and potentially your pastor are all watching porn.

I started the blog with this information so you know you are not alone!

What Happened?

Joshua and I have had the privilege of walking individuals and couples through some of the most challenging places and points in life. We do not take this opportunity for granted and consider it an honor to be used by God to bring glory to his name and healing to couples and individuals. Due to this opportunity, I want to share the story of a couple through navigating and ending their porn usage. 

A few years ago, we received a query from a woman that wanted her husband to go to counseling as she thought he was addicted to pornography.

*For the purpose of this article, we will use Melissa & Peter to protect their identities. 

This is their story from Melissa's point of view: 

There he was, on his phone, masturbating. We were seven months into dating, and I walked in to surprise him on his birthday. I couldn’t believe what I saw. 

When Peter saw me, he was horrified.

As we talked, he admitted that he watched pornography and often masturbated ever since he could remember. But Peter promised he’d never do either again. 

He said he was fully committed to me and God. But roughly a year later, Peter regretfully admitted to looking at a girl on Instagram, which led to him viewing porn on his phone. 

I was initially horrified and ashamed when Peter betrayed my trust, but I found it in my heart to forgive him and move on from the incident. However, I felt betrayed.

I kept my feelings bottled up and never spoke of it, hoping Peter would come to his senses and stop. Despite my efforts to ignore and hide it, the issue persisted.

Eventually, Peter and I got married and became sexually active; I figured he would stop now that he had me, but once again, I caught him in the middle of the night. 

Per usual, he apologized and promised it would never happen again. But the repeated betrayals continued, and I found myself in a difficult situation. I loved Peter and wanted to make our marriage work, but the constant lies and deceit made me question whether our relationship was worth it.

Sadly I was too ashamed to talk about it with anyone and decided to isolate believing that if I spoke to anyone about it – it would be scandalous and an embarrassment to Peter. Peter and I decided to pray and hope God would deliver him through this. 

But He didn’t!

He allowed our marriage to “appear” perfect but actually die inside. Our marriage and our faith suffered. God allowed me to feel anger, resentment, despair, and disappointment toward Him. And I hated both Peter and God!

We Lost Hope In A Porn Free Marriage

Eventually, I began to give up on God. I stopped waiting for God to rescue us and free Peter from his addiction. 

One day in church, I heard a sermon about pornography and how counseling helped. 

I brought it up to Peter, who flat-out refused. In his mind, the only option was for God to set him free, as he didn’t want anyone to know what he was dealing with due to the shame and embarrassment. 

After several failed attempts to stop watching porn, Peter lost hope. Over time he started to normalize it, and I became the problem. 

Eventually, every time I brought it up, it made everything worse; Peter started to make me feel bad for wanting him to stop, he would say all his friends do it too, so I should probably get over it. 

Finding Hope

Melissa reached out to my husband, Joshua, after their 1st year of marriage. 

He agreed to meet with them and learn more about their story to see what he could do. Joshua was great for Peter. He was non-condemning, loving, caring, extremely patient, and straightforward with Peter. 

He talked to Peter about addiction with expertise and grace. Joshua realized the addiction was rampant and buried deeply in shame, secrecy, and denial. Furthermore, Joshua realized that his addiction was not the issue but a symptom of a much deeper, festering hurt.

Meanwhile, Melissa thought that freedom from addiction would come after every counseling session, but it didn’t. 

Back To Melissa's Point-of-View

For a long time, I felt powerless. If I could say or do the “right thing,” I could get him to stop and change his ways. I put all my efforts into trying to please and meet his needs. 

When nothing that I did worked, I became numb to the pain. I denied the addiction and started ignoring the times that I would catch him. I started to isolate myself from my family and friends to keep everything to myself. I put up a facade of happiness and pretended that my marriage was phenomenal.

Separating Peter from His Addiction

I had convinced myself that Peter was perfect and strong and his addiction was separate from him. I refused to believe he was responsible for his actions and blamed everything on his addiction. 

I fell into the trap of being a co-dependent wife. I became an expert at forgiving my husband, never getting mad at him, and forcing myself to trust him, even when he continued to struggle with addiction.

My husband, Peter, had been attending therapy sessions with Joshua, and I could see he was progressing. However, I couldn’t help but feel like I was being left behind. While Peter was moving forward, I was stuck in a constant cycle of hurt and despair.

Counseling for Me

I was embarrassed by my reaction as Peter went through his recovery journey. Instead of feeling relieved, I was annoyed by the pain that was surfacing rather than disappearing. As a Christian wife, I felt like an absolute failure.

Several months into Peter’s counseling sessions, I was feeling worse rather than better. That’s when Joshua, graciously offered me the opportunity to join their sessions.

Joshua didn’t excuse Peter’s behavior or cover for him. Instead, he exposed my co-dependence and guided me to look to God. 

Finding Guidance

Joshua guided us through the deep hurt, rage, and hatred that we were feeling. He validated my grief and didn’t blame me for Peter’s addiction. Instead, he showed me how to allow Peter to face the consequences of his choices.

As God taught Peter through Joshua, He used Joshua as an agent of grace for me. I learned the importance of letting go and allowing God to work in our lives.

Glimmer of Hope

By the time we were nearing our second anniversary, recovery was going well. We had installed Covenant Eyes on all home and work computers. Peter had found an accountability partner who received his Internet browsing reports. 

Accountability was a good deterrent, and Peter was “sober” for a couple of weeks at a time. He was eagerly seeking God, learning about sexual addiction, and quite excited about life. 

I, however, was cautious. I was watching, terrified to hope, biding my time. I had given Peter an ultimatum that he could have me or porn. He had one year. 

I wanted him to choose me and fight for me. I wanted him to know I would no longer tolerate his porn addiction, his divided loyalty, and the pain and destruction he was heaping on me.

My ultimatum devastated Peter, but I couldn’t keep going through this cycle.

Hopeless

And so the day of our third anniversary arrived a few days away from my one-year ultimatum. 

I had hoped Peter would take me out to dinner and say I am done with porn for good; I am free. I had hoped we could celebrate and that it would be a new beginning for us. I had hoped that the entire trauma was behind us, that we could start living in freedom and redemption.

Instead, Peter told me that his accountability partner saw that his Covenant Eyes Internet browsing report from his work computer showed a site with naked teenage girls.

He proceeded to tell me that his accountability partner wanted him to confess to his boss that he was browsing porn at work within the next two days.

If Peter didn’t tell his boss, his accountability partner planned to. I felt sick. Not only was his job on the line, but this secret was about to come out to more people!

Strangely, I was even more furious with his accountability partner than with Peter. I mean, couldn’t he see all the changes Peter made? Couldn’t he see all the progress we’d made? Why would he want Peter to lose his job potentially?

Some friend, I thought!

And yet, he was right.

Time To Face Consequences

“This addiction must come to light,” Joshua said.

“Peter must take responsibility and face the consequences. When he does, you both will witness a significant shift in your healing journey.”

Peter regretfully confessed to his boss. Peter was placed on conditional probation to continue working because he was already involved in counseling and progressing. His boss believed he was committed to sobriety and honesty.

However, his boss requested weekly meetings where HR would review his Internet activity; plus, he had to continue with weekly counseling and maintain close contact with his accountability partner.

Peter felt surprising relief and grace; I felt sick.

My husband was caught watching child pornography. I understood that:

• They were teenagers and, therefore, not technically child porn.

• That Peter did not actively search for child porn.

But he viewed the site. He had crossed so many lines. 

Yet there was also no denying the changes I saw in Peter. 

• His heart was different.

• His attitude was different.

• His periods of sobriety were more extended, and his relapses were much shorter.

• His honesty about himself and his addiction was sharpening.

• He recognized and owned the destruction he had caused in our marriage.

• His desire for wholeness was genuine.

These things made me think that perhaps there was a chance that we might actually heal and make it through this together.

Rebuilding

Our third year was tough. It was a year of dealing with layers of trauma and hurt. It was a year of anger and sadness for me. For Peter, it was a year of learning to live with an addiction, a year to face the stresses of life without the comfort of his addiction—a year of learning how to be vulnerable in front of so many different groups of people. To be held to extreme accountability everywhere he went.

Year 4

Our fourth year was one of rebuilding, relearning and renewing.. Peter continued with counseling to heal his deepest wounds. 

He switched from filtered Internet access to restricted access, meaning he can only access sites we approved together. We also removed the ability to search different keywords in Google and deleted all social media from his phone. We used Covenant Eyes to set up these features which you can download here:

Without access to Internet porn, the battle is now for his mind. I still battle co-dependence and hiding. But the peace we have this year, the absence of repeated trauma, has allowed me time to process all the hurts. And so, while it has been an incredible year, it has also been regrettable as I look at all that was broken.

• No one enters a marriage equipped to deal with addictions and betrayal.

• No one can navigate through so much hurt and destruction on their own.

• No one can see hope or a future when their world is caving in on itself.

When we couldn’t pray, when we couldn’t believe, when we couldn’t open our Bibles, when we couldn’t figure anything out, it was the people that we took a risk to be vulnerable with that were there to speak God’s truth, hope, and love into our lives. God used everyone we told to bring healing and wholeness into our lives and marriage.

You will be happy to know that Peter and Melissa are in their 6th year of marriage, and Peter is free from his porn addiction! 

I asked Melissa what she would tell other women that are seeking to have a porn free marriage, this is what she said: 

How to Navigate Your Husband’s Porn Addiction

If your husband is struggling with porn addiction, he needs your support. A marriage recovery plan for pornography may seem impossible at first; however, with professional assistance and commitment, this can be achieved successfully.

Confrontation

Discovering that your husband has a pornography addiction can devastate wives’ self-esteem and sense of worth, bringing up all sorts of emotions ranging from anger and betrayal to disappointment and abandonment.

As much as it’s essential to be open and honest with your husband about his porn-viewing habits, try not to blame or shame him for them. Instead, focus on how they’re negatively affecting your relationship and express a wish to address the issue together as a team.

Before engaging in any confrontational conversations, take some time to reflect and clarify your motives for doing so. Your objection could be moral or ethical in nature; make your point known. In addition, consider what goals you hope to gain from this conversation, such as assurance that you are enough or promises of improved behavior later on so your goals will also be clear to him.

Remember, this problem doesn’t just affect one person; this is a family concern. Without proper help for his porn addiction, its consequences will affect everyone in your household and beyond. Luckily, there are specialists dedicated to treating such addiction who can assist him with changing his behaviors, learning new coping mechanisms, and restoring emotional well-being.

Set Boundaries

Once a wife discovers that her husband is addicted to pornography, their world can quickly collapse around them. Their former life together no longer feels secure – not even the vows between themselves and their partner are binding anymore.

Set clear boundaries you agree on to help reestablish trust between you and your spouse. For instance, if you wish for him not to engage in sexual relations until he has undertaken steps such as changing behaviors, setting accountability measures, or seeking professional assistance, then this should be made known clearly.

As part of your conversation, you must not blame your husband for his addiction. Even if you were aware of his behavior, it’s not your responsibility that he has become addicted to porn. Pornography addiction is an intricate matter, and many individuals struggle to recover on their own.

Encourage your husband to seek counseling with a Christian counselor. He should also surround himself with at least two or three trusted individuals (your pastor, wise friends, or caring siblings) who can meet regularly with him to hold him accountable and offer support. Fighting this battle alone only perpetuates isolation and shame – key contributors to sin and addiction. In addition, you and your husband should seek marriage therapy together to restore their relationship’s health.

Seek Professional Help

If your husband has developed an addiction to pornographic material, you both must seek professional assistance. Doing so will enable you to understand his problem more fully while showing him it is not his responsibility to become dependent upon this source of entertainment. He may be more willing to seek treatment, knowing you will support him.

If you need advice, seek counsel from someone who has experienced similar situations in their marriage or look for pastors, or counselors specializing in treating porn addiction – the goal is to find one with whom your chances of success will increase.

When discussing his addiction with a counselor, you should stress the negative repercussions of his actions without assigning blame or hostility. Furthermore, it would be beneficial if your husband would set three non-negotiables for his recovery process – these should include things that he must commit to doing in order to demonstrate he’s serious about receiving help.

Your husband needs to identify and address the causes of his porn addiction. Pornography addiction often stems from psychological factors like needing pleasure, relieving stress, coping with boredom, and handling negative emotions – without discovering the why, his addiction will continue to flourish and may eventually relapse at some point.

Prioritize Self-Care

Being married to an addict of pornography can take a significant emotional toll, with many wives suffering psychological harm due to comparisons between themselves and women depicted in pornography or low self-esteem due to being neglected by their husbands. 

Furthermore, some partners struggle with a lack of trust within the marriage as well as a loss of faith that their husband can overcome his addiction.

As soon as a wife discovers her husband’s pornographic content addiction, she may feel shocked, anger, and despair – emotions that should all be managed rather than escalated responses that further harm marriages. Depending on its scope, asking your husband to install software, seek professional assistance, or give up his phone may all be effective strategies for handling the situation.

About 70% of women who discover their partner’s porn addiction often feel helpless and alone; many even feel embarrassed to discuss it openly with anyone. Thanks to the Internet, though, women who are going through similar challenges can connect.

Many spouses believe their husband’s addiction to pornography is their responsibility, when this is simply not true. Porn addiction is a disease that affects the brain and can impact anyone, including spouses and children. Therefore, wives need to prioritize self-care to cope with its emotional effects on them.

Seek Support Group

Pornography addiction is a serious condition that can have lasting repercussions for relationships. To combat it and manage pain more effectively during this difficult period, having people there to talk to and share feelings with can be invaluable – be it a support group, spiritual group, or therapist group. Talking can help alleviate much of the pressure and pain felt as one navigates this painful process.

Remember to communicate with your husband through this process without becoming aggressive towards his actions. Being hostile may only serve to exacerbate the situation further. Instead, focus on communicating your emotions lovingly while at the same time letting him know his behavior is unacceptable and needs to change.

Once your husband embarks on his recovery journey, it may take some time before he is free from all of the lust and temptation he has been subjected to over time. Be patient as your husband works towards his goals – ultimately, he will find freedom from his porn addiction once his behaviors change and new coping mechanisms emerge.

Develop Healthy Sexual Intimacy

Mental health professionals continue to debate whether porn addiction should be considered an official disorder; most agree it can damage marriages. Unfortunately, many who struggle with this habit don’t even realize they have one; many view viewing porn as harmless entertainment and simply accept it as part of life.

Similar to substance addictions, pornography addiction may stem from multiple sources. Comorbidity, family history, early life environmental exposure, and childhood trauma may all increase the risk for pornography addiction behaviors. Viewing pornography may also trigger erectile dysfunction and lower sexual satisfaction and intimacy levels during sexual encounters.

Communication is key to developing healthy intimacy. Couples should discuss openly their sexual needs, desires, and fantasies – the best conversations occur without distractions or when both parties feel physically and emotionally well.

Lack of emotional intimacy is a sure way to create distance in any marriage. Partners who engage sexually report higher relationship satisfaction levels and better sleep quality. Spending too much time scrolling social media or pretending to sleep while watching pornography may hinder intimacy; to maximize mutual satisfaction, it is essential to prioritize other forms of connection like working together on hobbies together that foster bonding times and build memories together.

Ultimately

Midori told me in the beginning that what God reveals, God wants to heal; while this moment can feel overwhelming, you will look back and realize how God used this situation to heal you both individually and together!

If we can do it you can do it!- Melissa

The Best Resource To Quit Porn

Covenant Eyes allows you to choose someone you know and trust to walk with you as your ally and hold you accountable for your online behavior. Their app tracks activity on all your devices and shares your activity feed right to their phone. You’ll celebrate victories together and have honest and caring conversations about your successes, setbacks, and triggers.