How often do you go on a date night? Better yet, how often do you have sex? A date night and sex are two revealers about your relationship. In long-term relationships, we can start to drift apart slowly.
As the months and years pass, our time together usually focuses on the same mundane conversation about everyday life and what the kids are doing. We can stop asking each other deep questions, prioritize date night, and slowly but surely stop having sex.
Overtime, our emotional, spiritual, physical, and experiential intimacy becomes nonexistent. When these areas lack, we see the following:
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When emotional intimacy is lacking, the likelihood of engaging in sex diminishes. This is because sex often serves as a physical manifestation of the emotional closeness between partners. Without a sense of emotional connection, the desire for physical intimacy wanes.
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The alignment of values can enhance your overall connection. In such cases, a lack of spiritual intimacy contributes to a sense of disconnection.
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Physical Intimacy is the most direct and tangible expression of a couple’s connection. When you lack physical intimacy, there is no desire for physical closeness.
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When a couple does not participate or enjoy shared experiences, they feel disconnected. When experiential intimacy is lacking, the sexual dimension of the relationship will suffer.
Ultimately, these different types of intimacy serve as a crucial precursor to a healthy relationship.When partners feel connected, they are more likely to experience a robust and satisfying connection.
This blog aims to give fun questions for married couples to use on their next date night to help revive all areas of intimacy in their relationship. As you go through the following questions, we suggest being open and observe how to bring the spark back into your relationship.
Healthy Relationship Measurement
Before you dive into meaningful conversations, we want you to understand how connected you currently feel on a scale of 1-10.
You both should write that number down (without showing each other).
Whatever your number is, can you imagine if it doubled or tripled? We are here to tell you it can and will with our fun questions!
How To Use These Fun Questions
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Create a ritual: At the same time each day, make a pot of tea or another soothing drink and find a comfortable, quiet place to sit. Light a candle, give each other a hug and a smile, and begin a meaningful conversation.
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(Every Night/ Morning) You will both ask each other ten questions and then the next day, you will move on to the next section and repeat.
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Remember to be open, respectful, and non-judgmental.
Sexual Intimacy
“There is no keener pleasure than that of bodily love.” -Plato
Sexual styles are as unique as each person in a relationship. Although sexual intimacy differentiates a friendship from a romantic relationship, you and your partner may differ in your experience with sex and your expectations for sex in your relationship.
The sexual intimacy you share will evolve over the course of your relationship due to the developmental stages you go through, life stressors, and physical changes. The key to maintaining a sexually healthy relationship is to communicate your needs and desires clearly and for each of you to remain non-judgmental and open.
Related Reading: How Communication Can Make Or Break Your Relationship
You must understand there is no right or wrong way to be sexual. Your personality will have much to do with your sexual style, which will evolve and change over time.
Although you have certainly seen the Hollywood version of sexual passion, it is essential to have realistic expectations, to be open to exploring different ways of expressing yourself sexually, and to nurture the sexual chemistry in your relationship.
One of the first symptoms of disconnection in a relationship is a decline in sexual interactions. Couples who don’t feel emotionally close don’t want to be sexually intimate.
Related Reading: The Consequences of a Sexless Marriage
I hear repeatedly from couples who don’t have the time or energy for sex. Generally, what has happened is that nurturing the romance has become less of a priority, the unhealthy conflict then increases, and, as a result, the desire to be sexual declines.
The following conversation focuses on the sexual intimacy in your relationship and creating ways to make it a priority to nurture it and keep it open, fun, and satisfying.
Sexual Intimacy Questions For Married Couples
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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Do you think that we have a healthy sexual life?
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Do you feel comfortable talking to me about sex?
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Is there anything I could do to make it more comfortable?
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Do you think our sexual relationship has changed over time? Is it better or worse?
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What is your favorite memory from our intimate time together?
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Is there anything you would like to do differently in our sexual life?
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Did your parents discuss their sex life with you growing up?
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How did you feel about sex growing up?
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How important is sex to you in our relationship?
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Am I respectful of your sexual needs?
For extra credit, ask each other:
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How easy or difficult was it to set a time and focus on each other?
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How did it feel to share answers?
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Was there a difficult or embarrassing moment that happened while answering these questions?
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What did you learn about yourself and each other?
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How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
Related Reading: How To Openly Talk About Sex With Your Partner
Trust
There are many areas in your relationship where trust is an essential component. Having a meaningful conversation about what those areas are and how well you trust each other in those areas will create a greater sense of safety and connection.”
“The highest compact we can make with our fellow is, let there be truth between us forevermore.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
When you think of trust in your relationship, you likely think in terms of fidelity, yet there are many other areas in your relationship where trust is involved.
To begin with, to fall in love, you needed to trust that your heart would be treated tenderly as you exposed your innermost vulnerabilities. Over time, you shared intimate details of your life and needed to trust that this information would remain private and never be used against you.
Once you began sharing a home and finances or began to think about doing so, you needed to trust that neither would be misused and that you would have transparency with one another.
The more you experience each other as emotionally and physically available, respectful of the relationship boundaries, and supportive of each other’s needs, feelings, and time, the greater your trust in each other and the relationship.
The trust you have in your partner can be betrayed in many ways. Whether it’s forgetting plans that were important to you, sharing something embarrassing about you, or failing to disclose money spent, you will always feel wounded.
In my practice, I have seen that addiction, abuse, and emotional or physical infidelity have the most devastating impacts on trust. In these situations, it is challenging, if not impossible, to fully regain the trust that was betrayed.
The following questions for married couples focus on exploring the trust in your relationship and creating and maintaining a high degree of it going forward.
Trust Questions For Married Couples
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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Can you trust me to keep a secret?
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Do you think I keep my promises?
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Do I remain serious and supportive when you share vulnerable feelings?
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Do you trust me when we are apart?
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Do you trust that I don’t criticize you to others?
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Do you trust me with our finances?
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Do you trust me to make things that are important to you a priority?
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Do you trust that I will not abuse you or our present or future children?
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Do you trust that I won’t abuse substances?
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Do you trust me to respect our home and belongings?
For extra credit, ask each other:
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How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
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How did it feel to share answers
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Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
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What did you learn about yourself and each other?
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How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
Related Reading: How To Build Trust In Your Relationship
Fidelity and Boundaries
In the previous conversation, you discussed trust. A significant component of trust is agreeing upon how you define fidelity and what boundaries you need in your relationship. Having meaningful conversations about what you need those limits to be and promising to stay within those limits will strengthen the security and connection in your relationship.”
“Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost
You’ve had a conversation about the importance of trust in the relationship. One way to establish and maintain trust is to be clear about your relationship boundaries. You and your partner may wrestle with what it means to be faithful and what is considered a healthy boundary.
Does that mean you cannot talk to someone of the opposite sex? That you must not develop friendships with someone of the opposite sex? That you may be friends, but not discuss intimate details about your relationship?
Literally speaking, fidelity is defined as “strict observance of promises, duties, etc.” and boundary is defined as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.”
The keywords here are: “promises” and “limit.”
I often tell clients that whatever two consenting adults decide is appropriate for their relationship matters. What is important is to determine and be clear about what your relationship “limit” is and to “promise” not to exceed that limit.
I have worked with many married couples who have struggled with the fallout of one partner’s violating the promises and limits that the other relied upon. There is always great pain, and if the couple can heal, it takes a good deal of time.
Often, these married couples had gradually paid less and less attention to the friendship and romance in the relationship, which resulted in less connection and vulnerability to a violation of boundaries.
The following questions for married couples focus on the limits and promises in your relationship to create and maintain healthy boundaries.
Fidelity and Boundaries Questions For Married Couples
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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Are you comfortable with me going out with my friends?
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Are you comfortable with my going to bars or clubs with my friends?
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Are you comfortable with my having friends of the opposite sex?
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Are you comfortable with my sharing intimate details of our lives with a friend of the opposite sex?
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Do you want me to discuss any spending with you before doing so?
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Are you comfortable with my spending time alone?
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If we have or will have children, do you think it’s important to have time away from them?
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Do you believe we should have transparency with our phones/email/Facebook, etc?
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Are you comfortable with my watching pornography?
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Do you think I should feel comfortable saying no to sex if I am not in the mood?
For extra credit, ask each other:
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How easy or difficult it was to set a time and focus on each other
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How did it feel to share answers
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Was/ Is there any question you found difficult to discuss
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What did you learn about yourself and each other?
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How connected do you feel after these questions, on a scale of 1-10?
Related Reading: How To Establish Healthy Boundaries In Your Relationship
Learning How To Stay in Sync
During conflict or challenging times, some married couples can remain flexible and connected, while others fall into a more dysfunctional pattern of interaction.
Addressing how you interact at those times will help you to create a healthy style that allows you to maintain connection even when things are difficult.”
“The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realized they married.” -John Fischer
Neither of you has come into your relationship as blank slates but as a culmination of your own temperaments, personalities, and histories. Combining your unique traits makes your relationship interesting and can help you to balance each other out, especially during conflict.
Who you are as a whole determines your approach to your relationship and results in a dance you do as a couple. The stronger the friendship, respect, and communication in your relationship, the more flexible you will be with your part in the dance.
Like a beautiful waltz, you can glide through your relationship in sync and be aware of the subtle cues along the way that let you know when small adjustments are necessary to stay balanced and close. Unfortunately, if you are lacking in certain key areas of your relationship, you are more likely to be very rigid with each other, especially when you disagree.
Stepping on each other’s toes, throwing off the balance and beauty of your dance, and sometimes landing flat on your faces. You might even continue to dance your part the same way and expect your partner to change his or her steps. If you push hard enough and long enough, you might find that your partner pushes back harder and faster, throwing you off even more, or that they just let go, and you find yourself spinning around the floor alone.
Married couples who have trouble interacting and coping with conflict often fall into one of three types of repetitive, dysfunctional patterns. The first pattern involves a partner who pursues closeness and another who is more comfortable with distance.
Unfortunately, the pursuer may begin to demand closeness, resulting in greater distance, or may eventually give up altogether, resulting in disconnection.
The second type is couples who fall into a pattern where one person blames their partner for the conflict, and the other partner placates by doing whatever they can to correct the situation.
With this style, the blamer is seldom forced to take responsibility for their part in the problem, and the placater stuffs their feelings to keep the peace, which often results in depression and disconnection. The third style involves a partner who “over-functions” by handling most, if not all, of the responsibility in the relationship while the other “under-functions,” taking on very little or no responsibility.
Although the over-functioning partner may like to be in control, and the under-functioning one may enjoy having things done for them, resentment can build on both sides over time.
Each of these unhealthy interactional styles gradually deteriorates the connection in the relationship. The following questions focus on exploring your interactions to create a fair, balanced, and respectful style that will maintain the connection in your relationship.
Staying in Sync Questions For Married Couples
Take turns asking each other the following questions:
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When we are having a conflict, do we ever engage in the pursuer/distancer dance? If so, do you think I am the one who is uncomfortable with tension and therefore pursues closeness, or do I become distant to avoid the situation?
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Do you think we ever engage in the blame/placate dance?
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If so, do you think I am the critical and blaming partner or the one who accepts responsibility just to make things better?
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Do you think we ever engage in the over-functioning/under-functioning dance?
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If so, do you think I am the one who likes to take more control and responsibility in our relationship or the one who allows you to do most things?
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How does my part in the dance affect you?
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Do you think our couple’s style during conflict seeps into our everyday dynamic?
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What can I do to create a more fair and balanced style during conflict and at any other time?
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What’s your favorite memory of us, and how can we recreate that feeling?
Related Reading: 71 At Home Couples Therapy Questions for Igniting Passion
Conclusion
We wrote this blog because we found that other married couples asked questions about your most embarrassing moment, your go to karaoke song, or your favorite date night activity. Although these questions may offer a “fun” question game, we believe that married couples already know these things about each other. We feel deep questions capture the essence of what our date nights are missing, creating intimate conversations with our best friend!
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