Many people have been taught, especially since the sixties, that we are not supposed to “hold in” feelings of anger. Instead, we are to own our anger and boldly “confront” or use some form of assertive communication to give people a piece of our minds.
Recognizing anger warning signs, such as physical indicators in the body, can help manage anger before it escalates.
This movement was in the right direction, but most people feel unsafe with assertive communication. Hence, most of us bottle up our emotions, trying to perform “anger management” until we explode when the issues become too much to bear.
At that moment, the conflict escalates, causing unrepairable damage to the relationship. Attending anger management classes can be crucial in handling such issues. These classes provide specialized treatment for controlling anger, identifying triggers, and practicing new skills for expressing anger. Additionally, learning anger management techniques, such as therapy, stress management, and physical exercise, can help improve problem-solving and communication skills.
This blog will show you the unhealthy ways to manage anger issues and give you some tips to express yourself healthily.
How is anger in a relationship usually expressed?
Most of us do not know how to overcome anger in part because no one showed us how to feel anger appropriately. Here are ten ways that, no matter the circumstance, we should NOT express anger in a relationship!
Addressing negative feelings like anger and jealousy is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
Destructive anger can harm relationships by creating habitual patterns that negatively impact family members and friends, making it crucial to address through structured anger management or therapy.
Manipulation
Manipulating people is a common byproduct when we fail to recognize and manage our own anger. When we are angry, we manipulate those around us, giving us a momentary sense of power—the opposite of feeling angry, which generally leaves us feeling powerless. Manipulation can also be a form of passive-aggressive behavior, where anger is expressed indirectly through actions like giving the silent treatment or not following through on promises.
Example of Manipulation John was angry, to say the least, at his wife, who he felt did not appreciate how he worked all the time to afford their lifestyle. “I keep you in the style which you’ve clearly become accustomed to!” he found himself saying often.
“To show her,” he would attend social functions without her, convincing her that she wouldn’t enjoy the place or the people he associated with and would be much happier staying home. John would then drink too much and flirt with every woman there.
Control
Control is the kissing cousin of manipulation. Angry people are usually very controlling people. They try to control people, places, and things. They are like giant chess players moving the pawns around the board, partly because they are bored but mostly because they’re angry and do not know it. Sometimes, the moves they make are very subtle. Controlling behavior can be a way to deal with an angry person by setting boundaries and limits to manage their unhealthy behavior.
Examples of Being Controlling We had a nanny who felt she should be doing more in this world with her life and was really too smart to watch our kids and clean our house, so she was angry—not at my husband and me, per se, but at the circumstances of her life.
She would rearrange everything on our desks and counters and in our closets and cabinets, and she would end up hiding things that we would spend hours looking for. Whenever we asked her about said item(s), she would say, “IDK, boss, you must’ve moved it there.”
Sabotage
Sabotage is another cousin to manipulation and control. Sabotaging behavior within relationships encompasses actions, whether deliberate or unintentional, that ultimately result in the termination of a romantic relationship. These actions may include distancing oneself from the other person or seeking justifications to exit the relationship. Sabotage can often be a result of emotional distress, affecting one’s ability to manage emotions and maintain emotional intimacy.
Examples of Sabotaging Stephen’s mother abandoned him when he was 7 years old. She ran off, and he didn’t hear from her again until he was twenty years old. He was angry at her for leaving him with his father, who was never there for him physically or emotionally.
In every romantic relationship, Stephen undermines his success and expresses his anger issues by sabotaging all hopes of having a healthy relationship. When the relationship starts to go deeper, he withdraws from her emotionally, shuts down, and becomes involved with another woman, cheating on the current one.
Passive Aggressive Behavior: Jokes
Telling really off-color, demeaning jokes is another form of anger issues leaking out of our over pressurized boilers. Am I saying that you cannot tell jokes? No, what I am saying is that the next time you hear or tell a cruel joke about someone, put yourself in their shoes and think how you would feel if someone said this about you. I am guessing you would probably feel angry. Jokes can sometimes be a harmful way of expressing anger, leading to negative and hurtful behaviors.
One of the ways people justify their verbal punches in “putting people down” is to throw out the outworn phrase, “I’m just joking.” Any time you have to add that phrase, it probably isn’t a joke. Almost everyone has had a “friend” who puts them down.
Examples of Joking Let’s look at the example below with a married couple named Sarah and Shane.
Lol, you always wear terrible clothes, Sarah says to Shane. John, Shane’s friend, says geez, Sarah lay off the poor guy. Sarah says come on, John, Shane knows, “I’m just kidding. He knows I love him.”
Shame
Shaming folks is done so frequently that we hardly even notice it, though we feel it engulfing our bodies like the toxic ooze it really is. Nevertheless, shame involves feeling remorse for one’s inherent self; when feeling shame, there is no difference between “I made a mistake” and “I am a mistake.”
Given this perspective, envision the persistent sensation of being the fault within your relationship. It goes beyond mere distress. The shame projected onto us by others can gradually erode our self-worth and self-confidence. Although typically unintentional, those closest to us may make remarks and act in ways that trigger two significant narratives: 1) you perpetually fall short, and 2) what gives you the right to think highly of yourself? This shaming can severely damage self-esteem, making it difficult to maintain a positive self-image.
Examples of Shaming Franks’s father would try to show him how to build things. When Frank wouldn’t catch on fast enough, his father would say, “No way you are my son. We must have gotten the wrong baby at the hospital. My son could fix or build anything, just like I do.”
Blame
Blaming is employed when folks are angry. They use statements like: “It’s all your fault.” “Look at what you’ve done now.” “We wouldn’t be in this mess if … Excessive anger can lead to blaming behavior as a way to cope with intense emotions.
Examples of Blaming
If you had woken us up earlier, we wouldn’t have gotten stuck in traffic and would have been on time for Jessie’s first recital. I’m going to tell her that you’re the reason we are late.
Demeaning: Silent Treatment
These are verbal abuses or disparaging remarks: hurtful comments that diminish your sense of self-worth or value. Demeaning behavior can also be a sign of an abusive relationship, indicating the need for specialized treatment and professional help.
Examples of Demeaning
“Can’t you tell time? When the big hand is on twelve, and the little hand is on twelve, that’s when we meet for lunch,” Jim said sarcastically to a girlfriend while confronting her about constantly being late for engagements.
Criticizing
Criticism is so common that most of us think it’s actually okay to receive or give it, whether it’s asked for or not. Deep down in their guts, most folks know that unsolicited criticism, even the kind that “is for your own good” or given “because I love you,” stings like a thousand bees. As we pull the stingers out, those folks wonder what is wrong with us for taking it so badly; after all, we were just giving “constructive criticism.”
Example of Criticizing
“You never want to spend money on us! It’s your fault we can never go away together because you spend all our money on useless things!”
We’ve all heard these things so often. We’ve seen these behaviors displayed in some way by our loved ones, and we’ve done them, too—so often that we’ve come to think this is just the way life is. But it doesn’t have to be!!
Understanding anger can help reduce criticism in relationships by distinguishing between destructive and constructive anger and recognizing when anger is an appropriate response.
Can anger destroy a relationship?
Yes, anger can absolutely destroy a relationship, but it’s not just the emotion itself—it’s what we do with that anger and how it’s handled that makes the difference. Anger is a natural human emotion, often signaling that something is wrong or needs attention. While anger is a natural and healthy emotion, it becomes problematic when expressed destructively. But when it’s mismanaged, when it festers or lashes out unchecked, it can erode trust, communication, and connection.
In a relationship, anger often stems from unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, or feelings of being disrespected or unheard. If left unaddressed, it can build into resentment, creating an emotional wall between partners. When people allow anger to dictate their actions—whether through yelling, passive-aggression, or shutting down—it fuels a cycle of hurt and defensiveness, making it harder to resolve issues or even see each other clearly.
Over time, constant anger and frustration can make the relationship feel more like a battleground than a safe, loving partnership. It shuts down vulnerability, which is essential for intimacy, and replaces it with bitterness and distance. The relationship begins to suffer under the weight of the anger, and eventually, it can break beyond repair if neither partner is willing to address the root causes or learn how to communicate their feelings healthily.
But here’s the key: it doesn’t have to end that way. Anger, when understood and managed properly, can actually be a catalyst for growth. It can point to areas in the relationship that need attention and healing. Couples who are willing to face their anger head-on—without letting it control them—can use it as an opportunity to deepen their understanding of each other, work through their issues, and strengthen their bond.
So, while anger has the potential to destroy a relationship, it also holds the power to transform it—if both people are willing to put in the work. It’s all about how that anger is handled.
Why do I get so angry at my partner?
Getting angry at your partner often happens because they’re the person closest to you, which means they can trigger emotions tied to unmet expectations, old wounds, or feelings of vulnerability. Sometimes, it’s less about what they did in the moment and more about deeper frustrations that haven’t been fully addressed. Anger can also be a defense mechanism when we feel misunderstood, disrespected, or like our needs aren’t being prioritized. Understanding how to control anger in a relationship can help address these deeper frustrations and improve communication.
Another factor is emotional patterns—things from childhood or past relationships that resurface. If you’ve experienced emotional neglect, betrayal, or other unresolved pain, those triggers can come up more intensely with someone you’re deeply connected to. Ultimately, anger is a signal that something feels off internally, and your partner is the one standing closest to that emotional fire.
How to control anger in a relationship?
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. —Buddha
Seeking help from a mental health professional for anger management can significantly improve mental health and the overall quality of relationships. Incorporating deep breathing techniques can significantly help in managing anger and improving emotional regulation.
Practicing deep breathing exercises regularly can empower individuals to maintain calmness and self-control in stressful situations.
Avoid using the word you
A common way that anger damages relationships is through passivity. Passive aggression can show when one or both partners use the silent treatment, or it can show up through blame. Passive aggression can also be a response to a partner’s anger, as individuals may avoid direct confrontation and instead express their frustration indirectly.
One of the most button-pushing, passive words to blame your partner is you. Go back and look at all the examples above; in each one, we see an angry partner using the word you. Look at the difference between the following statements:
- I need vs. You need to
- I hurt vs. You hurt me
- I feel vs. You made me feel
The difference between “I” and “you” is enormous; using you only perpetuates conflicts and miscommunications. Besides, something about this three-letter word “you” puts almost everyone in a defensive posture.
Think about other things we say:
- If only you would
- Why don’t you
- You should
- You ought to
Even the word “you” by itself triggers our partner’s anger along with their defensive responses. In contrast, the word “I” is active, compassionate, responsible, remorseful, mature, and non-threatening.
I enhance connection and reduce needless confrontations and conflicts. “I” becomes the actor, instigator, and mover. Once you learn how to communicate using I, we must learn how to communicate what we need.
Learn to say what you want/ need
When we feel anger in our relationships, we often feel like we are not getting (fill in the blank) respect, love, sex, kindness, compassion, empathy, whatever it is. We can boil our anger down, feeling like we are not getting what we need or want. Expressing our needs and wants can help manage angry feelings by addressing the root causes of our frustrations.
Difference Between Needing & Wanting Wanting is “best-case scenario,” or “wishful thinking,” or having a fantasy fulfilled about how we desire things or someone to be. Wanting is negotiable. We can compromise on our wants; we can exercise a certain give-and-take.
Needing is much more serious and essential. Needs are akin to things that we cannot do without—air, water, food, et cetera. Needs are non-negotiable. There is no room for compromise. Needs are kissing cousins to boundaries and limits. Related Reading: What Needs Should Be Met In A Relationship The compassionately assertive, emotionally present person can tell the difference between what they want and need. This helps them not run from clashes and disagreements, which are a part of every relationship, because they have the resources to handle them appropriately. They are emotionally equipped to finish the four assertive statements regarding requests of others and themselves:
- This is what I want in our relationship:**********_.
- This is what I need in our relationship:**********_.
- This is what I will not do to get my wants and needs met:**********_.
- This is what I will do to get my wants and needs met:**********_.
Anger management: Example Of How This Plays Out:
Carol is an active woman in her forties; running, cycling and playing tennis. She would like her husband to join her in these activities, but he is not athletically inclined. She needs not only his support to continue these activities but also wants him to be friends with others who share her passions.
Carol will not pressure her husband to be more involved in these areas. She will not shame him for not doing so. She will continue to leave the door open should he ever want to join her, and she will continue to share her delight in pursuing her vigorous paths.
In this scenario, Carol knows what she wants and needs and knows what she will and won’t do. As a result, she and her husband can have a flourishing relationship.
Do I need anger management?
On a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = never), determine the extent to which you or your partner tend to employ these forms of anger issues:
- Shaming
- Blaming
- Criticizing
- Sarcasm
- Put-downs
- Jokes at other’s expense
- Sabotaging
- Controlling
- Manipulating
- Lying
- Gossiping
Now, look at the areas where you mentally checked 4s or 5s; those are some areas that could perhaps need some anger management attention. Attending anger management classes can be beneficial for handling issues related to abusive behavior, controlling anger, identifying triggers, and practicing new skills for expressing anger.
Conclusion
The emotionally stunted person may try to be or appear “right” at everyone’s expense, including their own. This person has to win every argument, get the last word, feel superior, or put people in their place.
Do you know anyone who would rather be “right” than happy?
This doesn’t have to be you because now you and your partner can express your feelings and emotions appropriately. When you can’t, control anger, you can apologize and make amends. Addressing anger issues can prevent emotional distress, promoting healthier emotional intimacy and personal well-being. Congratulations on your continuing, deepening journey into intimacy and wholeness.
Disclaimer: Understanding our negative emotions and our partners will create a healthier relationship. But if you are experiencing physical or emotional abuse, both you and your partner should take action. You can opt for in-person or online therapy or attend group counseling together to address anger problems. If the anger in a relationship causes physical harm in any way, we recommend you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. You can also visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline here. Remember to take care of yourself and stay safe.
