7 Insights To Building A Foundation In A Relationship

In America 50% of marriages fail. The marriages that last long are not because they were destined to last; but because two brave people made a choice to keep it, fight for it, and to work for it.  

As we asked couples that are thriving we find that they built a rock solid foundation before they got married.

This blog will go over 7 tips to building a strong foundation for a rock solid relationship with one partner.

These seven steps will allow a relationship to endure and weather all storms of life and yet remain healthy in the long run.

Let’s dive into how to create and build a strong foundation, offering insights into key elements of a strong relationship.

1. Look For & Be A Quality Person  

When someone feels ready for marriage they should start with identifying the “right” material. This is what we call the quality. The caveat however is that one should not start the looking process until they are deemed to be a quality person, by themselves and others.

Signs of a high quality person

• Has reliable income

• Mature physically and spiritually

• Has a place to live for his future partner.  

• Character

• Background

• Values

A strong foundation begins with looking for a person of quality on which the foundation of the marriage will be laid. Just as a good builder would examine the soil before laying the foundation, so also should any man or woman wanting to build a lasting relationship look carefully. The act of looking involves a deliberate, intentional and active search for the correct spouse.

Step 2: Ask Others For Their Thoughts

Once you start looking for a partner or person of quality, we should ask others opinions to avoid errors of judgement. When we fall in love we become blinded to obvious flaws that others can easily see.

Appearances, for example, can be deceptive; therefore, you need other’s guidance in selecting the one person that will be joined to you in the journey of life.    

It is foolhardy to depend on self or sight to find a person of quality because the dangers of error are real and marriage to the wrong partner can have a rather damaging impact on the destiny of the individual.

Playing games, cheating, poor communication, not fully engaged, lack of respect, engaging in a “trial marriage” etc. are grievous offenses that others have taken part in as a result of not finding someone of quality originally.

Step 3:  Engage In Effective Communication

The third step in laying the foundation for lasting marriage is have a real conversation. This step presumes you have found a person of quality and other’s (that know you well) looked carefully at your potential partner and gave you a thumbs up!

The purpose of this third step is to initiate an investigative process to learn more about the person and seek to confirm what you believe to be true.

This conversation should be non-sentimental, honest, unemotional and rational to establish a baseline of mutual respect.

This might be a series of conversations that require significant quality time together. You are attempting to develop an understanding of their background, family values, lifestyle, biggest fear, communication style, academic/professional leanings, mental health, compatibility, dreams, your differences, money issues, cultural and traditional alignment and so forth. In this conversation focus and listen to the words and emotions behind what the person says, to gain essential insights about how they navigate the world.

Discussing most things above helps those further down the line to anticipate the potential red flags from the outset and to work on them to prevent unpleasant experiences in the marriage.  

Step 4: Communicate with the Family

A great fourth step is to meet and communicate with your partners friends and family.

When you talk with these people should establish rapport and secure support for the eventual union. Furthermore it is wise to see your potential partner, her parents, siblings and friends all in their natural habitat devoid of pretenses and cover-ups.  

A relationship must be built on truth, therefore when talking be present, open and transparent. Just FYI, know that any partner who is unwilling to meet your parents, siblings and friends is ‘suspect.’ People in secret relationships have a high risk of failure. 

Step 5:  Involve Authority Figures

A wise fifth step in the foundation for lasting marriage is to involve the authority figures in your lives. For some this could be there parents for others this could be talking to a Pastor/Mentor/Spiritual Advisor etc..

This person(s) should pray, fast etc., with you all for further confirmation of this all-important and destiny-defining step.

I want to stress the fact that once you receive their blessing, talk about or find someone to do pre-marital counseling classes. These classes will prepare you and your partner for your marital journey.

Many couples miss this important step in the foundation of their marriage, and face untold and unnecessary pains in their marital relationships thereafter. Pre-marital counseling classes, will give you a clear sense of the future, as you talk about conflict, intimacy, feelings, etc.

Step 6: Name Your Terms and Set Boundaries  

Many marriages don’t last because intending couples go into marriage without prior discussion of the terms and conditions for their marital success. In addition many couples don’t talk about boundaries either.

In general most couples assume things will work themselves out and waste significant energy on planning their wedding day, which is just  a one-day show, for the most part.  

This sixth step requires that a prospective couple sit and talk about their marriage ahead of time to be sure there is an alignment.

How can they know they agree or disagree if they don’t discuss terms and conditions ahead of the wedding day? Why wait to be married before discussing Pandora’s Box?

The point of this discussion centers on foundational elements of a relationship, helping a couple decide what type of life they want to live: spiritual practices (prayer times, meditation times and fasting days), financial  alignments (tithes and offerings, proportion of income to save, and for what; allocation to parents and extended family), career aspirations, parental plans (when to  become parents; how many children to have); family visitations (frequency and  duration).

These are a few hints on the terms and conditions to negotiate to avoid future challenges. 

Boundaries

Meanwhile boundaries are a different subject. For this a couple should talk about who you are, what you want, your beliefs and values, and your limits.

Types of Boundaries

• Physical (pertaining to your body, personal space etc.)

• Material (like what do you do about money, cars, clothes etc.)

• Mental in terms of thoughts, opinions  etc. How do you share opinions? When opinions differ, what would you do?

These basic rules should be discussed and set before the two individuals get married.

You can include what to discuss or not discuss with external parties outside the marriage, how to and how not to resolve conflict and disagreements, how to manage relationships with the opposite gender after the marriage, and so forth.    

Step 7: Proceed with Managed Expectations

The last course of action after you come to terms, conditions and boundaries have been set, each partner entering into the relationship should be guided in their expectations.    

Many young relationships/marriages fail because of unrealistic and misguided expectations. Individuals with different backgrounds, different personalities and different exposures living together for the first time need a lot of understanding to weather the process of becoming a team.

People entering into a relationship with a plan for marriage must understand it is hard work, requiring adaptability and a willingness to adjust their lifestyles in a manner that favours their partner.  

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Conclusion    

A marriage is a covenant relationship and not a contract. Because covenants have a lifelong nature, an average person would spend a large chunk of their lives in a marriage relationship. Suppose a man has up to seventy years of active  life and he gets married at the age of thirty, it means he would spends four decades of his life with one partner. If he lives till eighty, he will spend five decades of his life in the one partner.  

Because of the significance in the lives and destinies of people, the subject of marriage is not something to be trifled with or handled casually or carelessly. The power of choice should be used carefully and not abused, considering the potential devastating impact that your choice may create. 

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