Intimacy and Marriage – Lessons Learned

Do you find yourself pondering how to strengthen your bond with your beloved partner? It’s a thought many of us contemplate throughout our relationship.

Developing a connection may be more difficult than it was in the early days of marriage. On the day you said “I do,” talking with your spouse was likely easy and without much effort. However, as you and your partner age, it may feel like it’s becoming more challenging.

Additionally, when a couple embarks on the journey of parenting small, needy humans — nights must be spent rocking a crying baby and talking through toddler temper tantrums — you two will resort to making time for a romantic exchange between laundering and spoon feeding.

Suddenly that connection seems like just one more task added to an already chaotic list of obligations.

This year, my husband, Joshua, and I will have been happily married for 7/8 Years (the first year was, let’s just say, challenging). Over the last eight years, it’s become apparent to me that intimacy doesn’t require one glossy moment between us; rather, it’s built from doing everyday life together.

The little touches, conversations, activities, arguments—whatever it may be—the important thing is twofold: recognizing each other as separate entities while taking unspoken actions to remain united at the same time.

We have grown to understand each other (or attempting to anyway!), learning about sections of ourselves we never knew existed before we joined in unity. Our sights are set on discovering our ever-evolving intimacy for many years, hopefully still to come!

Building intimate relationships requires consistent effort, no matter how small. The rewards are immeasurable, and along the way, I’ve learned valuable lessons that reinforce long-term satisfaction.

So, let’s get ready to strengthen our intimacy!

1. Intimacy Is Not One Dimensional

A few years ago, I asked my husband about the moments he felt intimate with me. I thought the answer would be when we were having sex, but his response surprised me.

He responded, “Those moments when I feel that you went out of your way to do something for me/ show that you cared about me.” This made me realize that intimacy goes beyond physical, sexual encounters.

The Importance of Cultivating a Strong Connection

Through this exchange and over the next few years, I have learned that cultivating a strong connection outside the bedroom is crucial in strengthening our relationship.

It’s not just about having sex or spending time together but about intentionally showing love and care in various ways.

When I take the time to do something special for him, such as cooking his favorite meal or giving him a thoughtful gift, it shows him that I value and care about his happiness. These small acts of kindness build a deeper emotional connection and enhance the physical connection.

Lessons Learned from Marriage

Reflecting on my marriage, I have realized that intimacy is not a one-dimensional concept. It encompasses physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of a deep connection between two people. We have built a stronger relationship by prioritizing intimacy in all its forms.

Recommended Reading: How to Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship

2. Intimacy Changes In Every Season

When Joshua and I married, we were busy with our respective careers. He was running his own company while I was working full-time. Our commitment to work was all-consuming, and we barely had time for each other. We were like ships passing in the night, catching up only during dinner or before bed.

However, things changed when we started working together. Our desks were moved next to each other, and we spent all day together. All day! It was great, but there were also days when the last thing I wanted to do was talk at night after a long day at work.

Then, we had children and life completely changed. We barely spent any time together by ourselves. We were always busy taking care of our kids, juggling work and family responsibilities, and trying to stay afloat.

Connecting in Each Season

Despite the challenges, we found ways to connect in each season. We learned that intimacy is not just about sex but about the deep emotional connection we share as a couple. Different seasons of life have impacted our intimacy, but we now understand that our sex life will ebb and flow throughout our marriage and relationship.

• We try to make time for each other, no matter how busy we are (either in the morning or at night).

• We try to prioritize intimacy, even when we don’t feel like it.

• We try to communicate openly and honestly, even when it’s uncomfortable.

• We try new things and experiment with our sex life.

• We try to show affection and appreciation, even in small ways.

You will notice that I said try to before everything. Trying to commit to simple acts of intimacy is a key ingredient in maintaining marital closeness. Sure, we are not perfect, and there will be days when it’s hard to accomplish, but perseverance and a bit of effort go a long way. Our dedication to these actions has kept us strong even during the most challenging seasons.

As we continue to grow and evolve as a couple, we know our journey to intimacy is far from over. But we’re committed to making it work, one day at a time.

Recommended Reading: 9 Bedtime Rituals for Couples

3. Feedback Is Great For Intimacy in Your Marriage

It is essential to understand that we connect in different ways, and there are times when we can feel close and most connected and when neither of us feels connected to each other. Almost quarterly, I find myself asking, “How are we doing? How am I doing as a wife?”

Asking these two questions (at the right time) has allowed me to hear my husband’s viewpoint. Listening, not just hearing, goes a long way in building emotional intimacy in your marriage. It is essential to have an open and honest conversation with your partner where you can express your feelings and listen to their perspective.

The Importance of Listening

Hearing your spouse tell you point blank where they feel like you are winning and where you can improve allows you to implement the things that they are asking or wanting. Listening to his feedback helps me identify areas that need improvement and hear what I should keep doing!

One simple question can communicate so much love and care. Regularly asking and listening to “How are we doing?” and “How am I doing as a wife?” has helped our connection. It has shown him that I care about his feelings and want to please him.

Recommended Reading: 25 Thought-Provoking Questions to Help You Be the Best Wife

4. Laughter is Great For Intimacy

When Joshua and I first got married, we bonded over watching dramas and psychological thrillers. We would often engage in deep conversations about heavy subjects.

However, as we grew older and our lives became more chaotic, we found ourselves craving a different kind of entertainment – something that would make us laugh and just have fun.

We soon discovered that we both felt more intimate and connected when we felt good and laughed together. This realization led us to avoid movies or TV shows that didn’t make us laugh. We actively sought out comedy and lighthearted entertainment that we could enjoy together.

I’ve learned from laughing with him that humor is a powerful connector. Laughing together always helps us remember that we are on the same team!

How to Incorporate More Laughter into Your Marriage

If you’re looking to incorporate more laughter into your marriage, here are simple ways we do so:

• Attend a comedy show or watch a funny movie together

• Tell each other jokes or funny stories

• Play games that involve humor or silliness

• Find humor in everyday situations by laughing at yourselves or making light of minor mishaps

Recommended Reading: Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love, and Marriage Paperback by Mark Gungor

5. How Much Respect Effects Intimacy

I’ve realized how much men (my husband) need respect to feel intimate. Furthermore, I have realized how easy it is to make him feel disrespected.

Let me explain:

Recently, we had a conversation where we discussed how unagreeable I am with him and how disrespectful it feels in certain instances.

I obviously disagreed that I was unagreeable (which is hilarious), but I tucked his opinion away as the conversation continued. Once the conversation shifted, I had an aha moment to the fact that I tend to draw connections between different things, which often leads me to disagree with him, even when that’s not his intention.

Learning from My Mistakes

For instance, Joshua mentioned how much I liked my friend, Kelly. In my mind, I immediately assumed that he implied I liked Kelly more than my other friends. Without thinking, I responded by saying, “Not as much as Brittany, though.” However, as we continued the conversation, I realized that Joshua had never made that comparison. Instead, I had created it in my mind, which caused me to disagree with him.

This conversation taught me that my tendency to disagree or correct Joshua is almost instinctual.

Unfortunately, every time I do this, it takes away from our intimacy bank account. I am learning that his need for respect is about feeling valued and appreciated.

Recommended Reading: 15 Ways To Love Your Husband Unconditionally

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