According to National Family Growth Survey data, up to 48% of marriages fall apart in the first 20 years. In other words, marriage is like a coin — heads, you live together, tails, you get separated. You can read the statistics and instantly think you are one of the fortunate 52 percent, but you are just as not likely. It’s a good bet that you make a relationship-killing mistake daily without even realizing it.
After counseling couples you start to see patterns and trends. Before most relationships come to a complete end, there are various warning signs that people may not realize.
While most of us might think that physical or emotional abuse is the sign that the relationship will end. The tell tale signs are actually a lot less obvious. For example, do you spend a significant amount of the day commuting? Or do you leave the dirty dishes in the sink to take care of your partner later? Well, how about binge-watching tv?
One may think that these things are no big deal, but these are tell tale signs that your relationship will come to an end. Let’s dive in and learn the warning signs that you may be in a failing relationship.
Signs Your Relationship Needs Attention
1. You’re not helping around the house.
Men, stop leaving the laundry room for your lady to work. A study from the University of Alberta showed that heterosexual couples had more (and better!) physical intimacy when men helped out around the house.
Researchers believe that the relationship has more to do with women in a relationship. When a man helps around the house a woman feels loved, furthermore she no longer feels the pressure of looking around the house and seeing a large do list. While we know that doing housework is not be enjoyable, it seems that having a partner help with the house prevents anger and bitterness, creating room and energy for physical intimacy instead.
Related Reading: How a messy house can ruin a relationship
2. Your friends negatively influence you.
Having friends in failing relationships can end up hurting you. Your friend’s actions have an active influence on your marriage, whether you realize it or not.
Bad relationships subconsciously effect you and your habits. The more you hear about your friends failing relationship that more you start to see things their way. It’s okay to be a shoulder to cry when your friends go through a rough patch; just steer clear of people who cheat or seem to have failed relationship after failed relationship.
3. You value less of your marriage more than money.
Being a material girl might work for Madonna, but if you want your relationship to last, it won’t work for you. A study at Brigham Young University found that married people with higher levels of materialism had less satisfying marriages.
Why?
Turns out that materialism is closely related to possessive-oriented happiness than to relationship-oriented happiness. I.e. as the pursuit of money and possessions is prioritized, other dimensions of life, such as relationships, are underscored. Inevitably you start placing less and less value on spending time with your spouse and friends and more time on work.
4. You snoring
When one partner snores, the other is left to toss and turn all night, and the lack of sleep leads to struggles and dissatisfaction. Research at the Sleep Disorders Center in the Medical Center of Rush University discovered that divorce increases by 30% if is a partner suffers from sleep apnea.
The absence of sleep for one or both partners adds stress onto the marriage and produces conflicts and arguments. Research also showed that when the snoring spouse was treated for two weeks, the marital satisfaction score of the other partner improved by 93%.
5. You watch a lot of TV
Television can rot your brain, and now scientists at Albion College are telling us that it also is a warning sign of a failing relationship. Their findings showed that people who watched too much tv started to become more dedicated to the characters on screen and less dedicated to their actual relationship.
Turns out the more we watch tv and films the more expectations we start to place on our spouses and friends. We start to project what we see and hear not realizing that TV portrayals are 100% unrealistic. We live in a society perpetually immersed in television and web-based media images, but most people have no sense of how these images affect them.
6. You’re stressed about money
No surprise here. Money issues tend to be a major contributor in a failing relationship. Money can drive a massive wedge between two people, especially when they’re married and living together. And it’s not just a lack of cash that also makes life difficult — a Cornell Research project found that a couple with similar income are more likely to survive in a relationship.
7. Your intimacy is too intense for you
It sounds counter-intuitive, but if you want your relationship to last, you should dial down all the love-Dovey acts of affection. Why?
Studies published on interpersonal relationships and group systems show that people who divorced after several years had almost a third more touches and kisses than those that did not. The study’s authors speculate that this happens because the level of affection becomes to challenging to maintain.
8. You avoid relationship conflict
When your partner confronts you about something that has been bothering them for a while, do you engage in a meaningful conversation and fix it, or do you pick a fight and walk away?
If you grudgingly answered the latter, you may be sabotaging your relationship beyond repair. One study published in Communication Monographs found that couples who take part in “demand / remove” patterns — as in one partner urges the other to talk while the refuses and sits is in silence — are in unhappy relationships. Ultimately the lack of communication invalidates both of their feelings and starts to erode their connection.
Related Reading: How to argue without harming the relationship
9. You reject the rom-coms
In essence, a three-year study analyzed relationship therapy programs and found that people who watched movies about romantic relationships and discussed their relationship afterward had a 50% lower divorce rate. Furthermore these couples had a higher enjoyment of each other’s company. Needless to say, just watch the movie!
10. You sleep separately
We’ve all been there, it’s hot, you’re sweating, you simply do not want to be net to your partner anymore. On these nights just the thought of being near your partner is enough to overheat you. The absolute last thing you want to do is to have a little spoon all night.
But it might be worth cranking up the A/C and sucking it up for the summer: British researchers found that 94 percent of couples sleeping while touching reported being satisfied in their relationship, compared to only 66 percent of couples sleeping more than 30 inches apart.
11. You take the pill
What has birth control have to do with being in a failing relationship? Quite a bit. Research in Psychological Science has shown that women who have started or stopped taking a pill while in a relationship have reported lower levels of sexual satisfaction than those who have always been or have never taken a pill. A pill can change the physical preferences of a woman, so going on or off in your current relationship will hurt a woman’s life in a bedroom.
12. Your sex life is dead
The bedroom is at the heart of successful relationships. Unfortunately, astounding numbers of couples have put their sex life on the back burner. One Chapman University study found that while 83 percent of people reported being sexually satisfied in the first six months of their relationship, only 50 percent reported the same satisfaction now. Those who were sexually satisfied in their relationship credited their bedroom bliss to intimate acts like cuddling, spicing things up in the bedroom and making a conscious effort to have sex. Not having sex is a sign of trouble indicating you’re in a failing relationship.
13. You have unrealistic expectations
Every woman passed a man on the street and thought, “He could be cute … if he dressed a little better and cut his hair.” But what will happen when we’re pursuing this almost perfect gent? As our first impression might have predicted, we spend the entire relationship hoping for someone else, the perfect specimen we’ve made in our heads, and as a result, we’re never delighted. Unmet expectations is one of the key signs in a failing relationship. If you get married to a guy/ girl that you’re settling for, chances are you have future plans to mold your spouse into someone else over time, [but] this only leads to disappointment and anger.
Related Reading: How to manage your expectations
14. You take your partner for granted.
A major red flag in a romantic relationship is that you got married and now you take your partner for granted. Your partner may have committed to the relationship forever and ever, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve the same love and respect you’ve always given them.
Assuming that your partner will automatically do what they’ve done, whether it’s taking out the trash or making the bed, without being recognized, will hurt your relationship. Remember to thank your partner [and] recognize the little things they do every day.
15. You waste hours driving.
When the right job opportunity emerges, it’s human nature to do what’s needed to make it work — even if that means a two-hour drive every way. Yet, while your career might be flourishing, this agonizing journey is likely to take a toll on your home life.
One Swedish research found that while they were traveling a long way, couples were more likely to split compared with those who did not have to commute. If you can, look for a job that will get you home at a decent time.
16. You roll your eyes.
Don’t think your beau doesn’t care when you raise your eyes to them. This classic passive-aggressive gesture is simply the non-verbal way of telling the S.O. You don’t take their feelings seriously, and that kind of feeling isn’t taken lightly.
Rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, huffing, texting etc. all indicate that you don’t care. When your spouse talks these are ways that we disregard their feelings and dismiss their ideas, opinions, or behavior as irrational. Here is a rule of thumb for a healthy relationship: If you’ve got something to say, just say it. The hurt you will causing saying what you think will be better than the non verbal cues that you are sending.
When your partner disrespects over and over again you will avoid emotional connection with them. Eventually you both will stop engaging in open communication as you no longer feel each other’s emotional support.
17. You’re more focused on the kids.
No one can argue that being a parent is not an essential occupation, but that doesn’t mean that being a partner isn’t. When a child is in the frame, parents (typically moms) always put the children before their relationship.
A frequent problem that we hear from men is that the wife’s attention shifted to the child and never returned to the relationship with the guy. When two people in a relationship don’t spend time meeting it each other’s needs the relationship is failing.
18. The phone is still in the arm’s reach.
One of the common signs your relationship is failing. can be linked to your mobile phone usage. Your mobile phone should be out of site at the dinner table, in your bedroom, and during conversations if you want your relationship to withstand the odds.
Studies at the University of Essex have found that “cell phones can interfere with human relationships” and harm the proximity, communication, and quality of conversation. Your Instagram or Twitter (a.k.a. X) feed is going to be there after dinner — but your partner may not be there.
19. You’re too stubborn.
Take it from someone in a long-term relationship: prolonging a hopeless battle won’t hurt anyone but yourself. When you find yourself hanging on to your spouse’s anger, ask yourself: why am I outraged? If you can’t answer the question, then maybe it’s time to be a better person and just say sorry.
20. You tend to text rather than chat.
When you have something important to say, say it in person! Researchers at Brigham Young University found that partners who expressed their apologies and other essential details by text were less pleased with their relationship. Interestingly the study also found partners of men that overly communicated weren’t pleased in their relationship.
There is a narrowness to messaging, so you can’t see the scope of a person you need to see,” said research author Jonathan Sandberg in a press release. One good thing they found was that couples expressed satisfaction from expressing love over text, so feel free to keep sending xos and emojis.
21. You’re unable to adjust.
Think back to the time when you and your wife started dating. How different is your life? You may be further along in your career or have worked successfully on your anger issues.
But if you can’t think of a single difference between now and then, your relationship can suffer more than you know. “Sometimes, one person seems to have invested in personal growth and career development while the other remains the same. “When this happens, the relationship dynamic changes drastically, and it can make the two parties incompatible.”
22. You’re not in touch with your partner’s feelings.
In a relationship, “I feel your pain” is something you both say and mean. One study by the American Psychological Association showed that relationship satisfaction was directly linked to the ability of each partner to interpret their significant other’s emotions. Based on their results, the study’s authors advise couples to empathize with each other and connect when they feel emotion — whether it’s joy or pain.
Related Reading: What a man and woman need in a relationship
23. You’re financially dependent on your partner.
Unfortunately, we still live in a society where gender norms require a man to carry the bacon home — and when those roles are reversed, it can hurt the relationship. Research by the American Sociological Association found that men who depend solely on their wives’ income were five times more likely to cheat than men who contribute as much to the household as their wives. If you find yourself in this position, the only two options are getting a higher-paying job or agreeing that society is changing, so it’s okay for a woman to make more money than you do.
24. You tend to love Coke, and they like Pepsi.
Soda: It’s clogging our lungs and ruining our relationship. Brand preferences can have a more significant impact on the intimacy and happiness in a relationship than religion or education.
Most people see brands as trivial and don’t even think about the matter. The reality is that if you lack the buying power or the decision making ability in the relationship you learn to live what whatever your spouse wants. Unfortunately if you like different brands than your partner, you will likely be trapped with your partner’s favorite brands repeatedly (from cars, to house, to clothes, to food etc.). Ultimately these brand differences lead to a failing relationship as the person starts to feel like their wants and likes are dismissed.
25. You’ve got low self-esteem.
Typically when a partner has low self esteem the other partner will try to boost it. The will tell them how beautiful or handsome they are, how loved they are etc. But the trouble with low self-esteem is it shows up everywhere. The partner with low self esteem will dismiss all communication attempts that go against what the person believes about themselves.
Over time the partner that is trying to compliment his/her partner will feel like no matter what they do or say, it will not help, hence what’s the point. This self-doubt can result in bad moods, depression, and less happiness — all of which can harm your relationship. Don’t let your low self esteem be the root cause of your failing relationship.
Related Reading: Why your relationship with yourself is so important
26. You’re not reliable.
A sign that a relationship is failing is when one partner cannot rely on the other. A relationship requires both people to know that the other will be there if they need them. Not showing up every once in a while when your partner needs you is excusable, but after constant repeated offenses, your partner will begin to associate you with your unreliability.
It can be minor things like being late or not calling back or bigger issues like not following through on your promises. Once a habit of not following through is developed it eats away at the confidence and stability of the relationship.
27. You’re close to your exes.
Let’s be honest: nobody wants the person that they’re in a relationship with to be friends with a person they’ve used to date. If your partner denies they have any problem with it, just know it’s a lie.
Would you want your partner to be friends with, talk to or spend quality time with an ex? Chances are you wouldn’t, don’t put your partner through that either. Realize that you stopped talking to or dating your ex for a reason. It’s time to move on, end all communication with them.
28. You share your dirty laundry.
Intimate relationships lose intimacy when partners share issues or problems in front of others. With many couples sharing something online these days, getting swept up in the craze and using X to vent your relationship woes is easy to do.
But airing your dirty laundry online will make your relationship problems visible to the wrong audience. If you have a dispute or [are] irritated by your partner, the best course of action is to discuss it directly. Showing your dirty laundry is a massive red flag. You show a lack of respect for your partner and your relationship. Remember there are healthier ways to talk about your problems.
29. You’re overly jealous
It’s normal to get jealous occasionally, but if you find yourself snooping through your partners’ text messages or trailing them when they say their going to work, you’ve taken your jealousy too far. Extreme and intense jealousy can be dangerous and lead to harmful behavior. Plus it’s a signs you’re in. a failing relationship.
30. You feel incompatible.
There are other warning signs, like not being able to think of things to talk about, or not wanting much physical contact; however, these things aren’t necessarily signs your relationship is dying and heading for rough waters.
