19 Habits You Can Use To Nourish Your Relationship

Imagine being together with the one you love without negativity. Imagine a rich, loving relationship built on the foundations of kindness, appreciation, compliments, affection, support, honesty, tenderness, and attention. 

Imagine experiencing these fulfilling qualities daily. The key to a great marriage is the quality of your habits. Healthy, positive habits create an extraordinarily happy marriage. 

Negative habits create chronic dissatisfaction. Fortunately, healthy habits can be learned. 

This blog will help you learn and integrate them into your daily life. You can read the entire blog or choose one habit at a time. 

19 Habits To Nourish A Relationship

We’re confident these habits work for couples because they’re built on the latest in marriage counseling, the wisdom of mindfulness, the healing power of energy, the positivity of psychology, the insights of neuroscience, the bonds of attachment, the guidance of spirit, and plain old common sense. They’re rooted in what matters to make your love flourish.

These 19 happiness habits are like little sparks of joy that ignite your everyday life, just like when you’re sitting together, enjoying a TV show. You’ll discover that these habits easily blend into your hectic life, requiring very little time. Just a few can make a big, heartfelt difference in your marriage.

Let’s Dive in…

1. When On A Date
PROMPT: When you are on your date and need a conversation, jump-start.    
HABIT: Ask your date, “How do you think you have changed over the past year?” Then, if needed, help them recall events from the past year: new job, new home, big promotion, children growing up, an accomplishment, a disappointment, aging parents, an illness or loss. 
Be open and curious about whatever changes they are experiencing. Alternatively, you can use this tool to share how you feel you’ve changed in the past year: “I’d like to share with you how I think I’ve changed over the past year.”    
PURPOSE: Change is inevitable whether we like it or not. The person you fell in love with will change. They will get older, possibly wiser, and will be influenced even more by her life yet to live. Many couples find that they start to grow apart as they change. To avoid this, you must face change head-on. 

2. When You Wake Up
PROMPT: When you first wake up in the morning—or when your partner wakes up.   
HABIT: Establish a loving connection by saying to your spouse, “I love being married to you,” or your chosen words. The exact words you use aren’t important; what’s essential is to convey a message that your partner is special to you (“You matter to me,” “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” or “I’m glad we’re going through life together.”).
Say this in person if possible. If, for some reason, you’re not there, text it, e-mail it, leave a phone message, or stick a note to the refrigerator. An essential element of this habit is to vary the message and how you deliver it. Continue to find new ways to verbally express your love until this becomes a natural part of your morning routine.   
PURPOSE: How you greet your spouse in the morning sets the tone for the day. 

3. Before You Leave
PROMPT: When you say goodbye before a parting, however brief.    
HABIT: Looking into the eyes of the one you love, place your hand over your heart and then move it, palm up, out to him, indicating “you have my heart.” 
PURPOSE: How you “launch” from your spouse in the morning and how you reunite at the end of the day is highly critical to a happy marriage. If your launches and landings are brief and insignificant, you will tend to take your marriage for granted. However, a habit of intentional connection will highlight your deep love and commitment to each other. 

4. While At Work
PROMPT: When you are at work and are about to have lunch.    
HABIT: Text your spouse/partner to tell them that you love them, are thinking of them, and look forward to seeing them. Feel free to be playful and flirtatious.    
PURPOSE: Staying connected throughout the day is a vital habit. The number one place for affairs to germinate is at the office. What starts as a collegial friendship can quickly deepen into an emotional attachment and eventually into a physical affair. 
But by establishing a habit of regularly communicating loving thoughts to your partner during the workday, you ensure that they remain focused on you as the most important person in their life. 

5. After A Fight   
PROMPT: After an argument when you know that you’ve been critical and defensive (said unkind things, shouted, slammed something, accused, or blamed).    
HABIT: After you’ve calmed down, go to your beloved and say, “I’m sorry. I completely missed the mark.” Seal the apology with a gentle kiss.    
PURPOSE: When you mess up, the best course of action is to apologize. In general, you will make mistakes in your relationship because you are an imperfect human being. Coming to accept yourself as flawed paves the way for a humbling apology. 
Use the Japanese philosophy of wabi sabi to have compassion for yourself. Wabi sabi is the ability to find beauty in imperfections. Japanese artists will even build imperfections to their artwork as a celebration of their imperfections. 

6. When You Come Home
PROMPT: When you reunite 
HABIT: Greet each other with enthusiasm. Be excited and grateful that your beloved has come home. Stop what you’re doing, engage in a full-body hug (stomach to stomach), and hold the pose for twenty or more seconds. Feel your bodies relax into each other and say, “I’m so glad you’re home.”
 If you’re the one coming home, go up to your spouse, engage in the extended hug, and say, “I’m so glad to be home.”    
PURPOSE: This reunion hug will feel unusually long at first. However, it takes twenty seconds to stimulate the flow of oxytocin, the bonding hormone. When you activate the release of this hormone, you start to feel closer and more connected right away. 

7. While In Conflict  
PROMPT: When disagreeing, especially if you are stuck on proving your position and defending yourself. 
HABIT: Say, “Let’s Switch,” and then say aloud how you believe your spouse is viewing the situation. In other words, speak from their perspective as if you were seeing through their eyes (say, “I am ‘Sam’ and this is how I see it …” or “I am ‘Sarah’ and this is my reality …”). 
Before you speak, spend a moment with your eyes closed, breathing deeply, and thinking about what life must look like through the lens of your spouse’s history, personality, and experience. Once your partner adopts this habit, you can ask them to speak from your perspective.    
PURPOSE: When disagreeing with their spouse, most people only care about their own perspective. Both want to make their point, prove they are right, and solidify their positions, but neither empathizes with the partner’s point of view. 

8. When Eating Dinner
PROMPT: When you’re having dinner together, on an average weeknight    
HABIT: This habit has two parts: First, turn off the TV and all screens while you’re eating. Second, make it a point to touch your spouse during the meal. You can either do this secretly, under the table, or publicly for all to see. 
You can stroke their arm, hold a hand, touch a foot, stroke their cheek … whatever tickles your fancy at that moment.    
PURPOSE: Just as there are habits for a healthy marriage, some habits are unhealthy. Eating in front of the television regularly is bad for you. You interact less as a couple (and as a family), the TV creates a tone of distraction and intrusion, and you tend to overeat while enjoying your food less. Conversely, eating without watching a screen creates a climate of focused, undivided attention. 

9. 24 Hours After A Fight 
PROMPT: After an argument, preferably twenty-four hours after the conflict.    
HABIT: Sit down together and set a timer for ten minutes. Spend up to (but no longer than) ten minutes reviewing your recent argument. Analyze your behavior by stating at least two ways you could have handled the situation differently. 
Try to be objective, as if you’re critiquing a movie scene. This conversation is not about rehashing the topic, solving the problem, or discussing your feelings. 
The purpose is to deconstruct the pattern between you and determine how you contribute to that pattern (regardless of the topic). Dissect the interaction; define the point at which things escalated, and note where you began to act reactively or when you began to shut down. When the ten minutes are up, end with a “Thank you for doing life with me.”    
PURPOSE: You may notice that you and your spouse repeatedly get into the same argument. You could probably play a tape recorder of the same old fight with the exact words you’ve been saying for years. This habit inserts perspective into the cycle, creating the opportunity to develop a healthier pattern. 

10. When Getting Ready For Bed
PROMPT: When you’re getting ready for bed    
HABIT: Mentally review your day and then thank your beloved for some action, word, or experience. If you’re getting ready together, tell them at that moment. If you’re the first to bed, tell your partner before you lay down, along with a goodnight kiss. If you’re the last to bed, write it down for your spouse to find in the morning.    
PURPOSE: We all have a negativity bias. This means that we naturally tend to notice what’s going wrong in our world. This was selectively advantageous for much of human history. It allowed our ancestors to avoid animals and other harmful traps. 

11. Neck Rub   
PROMPT: When you are in a car together at a red light.    
HABIT: Gently touch the back of their neck.
PURPOSE: From the moment we’re born, we crave human touch. It’s as vital as the air we breathe. The health benefits of regular touch include:

• Lower stress levels.

• Less anxiety and depression.

• An enhanced immune system.

• Even increased pain tolerance.

As a form of communication between lovers, it’s a tangible expression of care, involvement, and support. The back of the neck, in particular, is a powerhouse of nerve endings. Touching this way creates a powerful, energetic bond. Doing it regularly, as part of your daily routine, keeps that connection alive and well. 

12. Slow Dance    
PROMPT: When you find yourself and your spouse undressed simultaneously at the end of the day.
HABIT: Say, “Wanna dance?” and then get up close, actually stomach to stomach, and take a few minutes for a teenage slow dance. Drape yourself on each other and sway from side to side. Let your feelings of love and connection be renewed. Option: Try slow dancing naked as a fun form of foreplay.    
PURPOSE: Using this habit creates a memory of connection and safety and ignites an erotic, playful spark between you. Most of us may dance politely (and infrequently) at weddings but find no occasion to engage in “dirty dancing.” With or without music, slowly entangling your limbs and swaying to your internal rhythm joins you into one. 
If you do this naked, your skin, which contains more than 5 million sensory cells and is by far your largest sensory organ, gets a thorough stimulation.  

13. Hollywood Kiss    
PROMPT: During dinner preparations—or right before you sit down to dinner.    
HABIT: Stop whatever you are doing, go up to your beloved, and give them a big, show-stopping, romantic Hollywood-style kiss.    
PURPOSE: Kissing on the lips is a shockingly intimate act. You might kiss other people on the cheek or forehead, but kissing deeply on the lips is reserved for your partner. Giving him a romantic, intentional kiss—not a rote peck on the lips— confirms to your companion that they are “the one.” 

14. While In Conflict
PROMPT: If you find yourself in a heated discussion (a.k.a., conflict) and you’re getting triggered, activated, and acting incorrectly (such as cursing, name-calling, blaming, criticizing, or acting irrationally).    
HABIT: Turn your attention to your body and report on what you’re experiencing. Say out loud, “I notice in my body that … my heart is racing (or my throat is tight, or my voice is getting shrill).” 
Be a witness to your bodily sensations and share them with your partner. Then, start to lengthen and deepen your breath. Watch your body changing. Say the words, “Breathing in, I am calm. Breathing out, I relax.” 
PURPOSE: Interrupting an argument to focus on your inner body’s response is a powerful technique for self-regulation. During a heated discussion, your amygdala (the alarm bell of your nervous system) is activated. By focusing on breathing deeply, you activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the alarm response.
Labeling your body responses shifts your attention from the emotional to the physical. As your partner witnesses you doing this, the steps of your usual dance are redirected. When you consistently use this response to an argument, you will gradually rewire your brain to be less reactive, less angry, and more peaceful. 

15. Eye Gazing    
PROMPT: When you’re feeling defensive or distant but are willing to have some help reconnecting.  
HABIT: Ask your husband or wife to sit quietly opposite you and then spend the next one to three minutes gazing into his or her eyes. Do not speak. Allow yourself to look into the windows of your lover’s soul. 
PURPOSE: Intensive eye contact communicates attraction, love, and trust. When you are attracted to someone, your pupils dilate, and you hold their gaze. Prolonged eye contact stimulates feelings of affection and connection. 
You will discover a powerful jolt of intimacy when you gaze into your partner’s eyes. Even just a few minutes of this regularly will create a sense of connection and homecoming that restores your bond. 

16. Hold Hands    
PROMPT: When you’re walking with your spouse in public    
HABIT: Hold hands!    
PURPOSE: This habit may seem like Relationship 101 advice because of its simplicity. However, most couples stop holding hands after their courtship phase. Holding hands is an easy habit and a good way to keep in touch with your marriage. 

17. Spoonfeed Each Other 
PROMPT: Whenever you’re having a decadent sweet treat together    
HABIT: Take your fork or spoon and feed your spouse a bite of the delicious dessert. Alternately, hand-feed your darling a small piece of food, letting your finger linger on his lips.    
PURPOSE: The habit of feeding your lover will induce a sensual intimacy between you and a playful connectivity in your marriage. This habit is fun, sexy, and even seductive. 
And yet, how often do you ever feed your mate? Chances are you haven’t fed your loved one a piece of cake since you said, “I do.” Feeding your spouse is a nourishing, intimate act packed with sensual potential. Use it on a date night or just over coffee and chocolates to bring your marriage to a higher level of happiness. 

18. Listen
PROMPT: When your partner is complaining    
HABIT: Breathe deep and listen. Do not try to fix, minimize, defend against, or deny their feelings. Instead, listen until he is done and then say, “What I hear you saying is …” Then paraphrase his words. Continue by saying, “Did I get that right?” and “Is there more?”    
PURPOSE: As you develop the habit of listening when your husband or wife needs to complain, you will find that conflict and stress in your marriage will decrease. Unless your spouse has asked for a solution to his problem, you can be sure that he simply needs to feel heard when he complains.  

19. Air Freshener    
PROMPT: When you see that your beloved is standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes, or—if they are not often at the sink—whenever they are doing any chore    
HABIT: Go over and nuzzle into their neck. Inhale deeply. Kiss in their neck and at the nape and say, “Thank you.” 
PURPOSE: Appreciative neck nuzzling is a gratitude habit that offers recognition and affection to your partner in life. Gratitude has the enormous power to bring smiles, joy, and intimacy into your marriage. Neck nuzzling also activates an olfactory sensory experience that enhances couple bonding. 
Like the wrists and behind the ears, the neck is a pulse point. This physical repository of blood vessels close to the skin acts as a fragrance pump, offering each person’s unique scent to the one willing to snuggle close. 

Conclusion

We hope you’ll weave these habits into your life, making your bond stronger, intimacy deeper, and love last through all of life’s ups and downs. Together, you can find strength, wisdom, and happiness beyond your wildest dreams.

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