Counseling countless couples has shown that certain issues—like money, chores, sex, and children—often ignite disagreements. These topics can be tricky, but addressing them openly and honestly is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Disagreements are normal, but how you handle them makes all the difference. Discover practical tips that will help you navigate conflicts with respect and understanding. Dive in to learn how these strategies can transform your conversations, strengthen your bond, and elevate your relationship.
1. Avoid swearing & aggression
Swearing or using aggressive language during a conflict is a common problem that can negatively impact a relationship. How you communicate with your partner can affect how they perceive you and determine the relationship’s success.
Why Do People Swear During a Conflict?
Swearing serves as an intensifier during a conflict. It can make someone feel superior, more resilient, and less stressed. However, it can be highly offensive or abusive to your partner. Swearing can also be a coping mechanism for people who are not skilled in conflict resolution.
Aggressive language indicates that someone may be flooded with emotions and needs to take some time to calm down before continuing the conversation.
2. Avoid interrupting Each Other
One of the most significant communication barriers in relationships is interrupting your partner. Interrupting your partner is disrespectful because it shows you’re uninterested in what they say. It’s a clear sign that you’re unwilling to listen and understand their point of view.
Interrupting can also be seen as a power play, where one person tries to dominate the conversation.
Interrupting your partner can lead to frustration, hurt feelings, and a communication breakdown. It suggests that their thoughts and feelings don’t matter, which can damage the relationship over time.
The Consequences of Interrupting
Interrupting your partner can have two main consequences. The first is that the interrupted person may shut down and stop communicating altogether. They may not see the point in continuing the conversation if they don’t feel heard or respected.
The second consequence is that the conversation can escalate into a gigantic blowup. Interrupting can trigger defensiveness, anger, and resentment, quickly turning a minor disagreement into a full-blown argument.
3. Learn what your body language communicates
In any relationship, communication is vital. It’s how we express our thoughts, feelings, and needs. However, sometimes our body language can speak louder than our words, and if it’s negative, it can sabotage the message we’re trying to convey.
Examples of Disrespectful Body Language
- Throwing your hands in the air
- Eye-rolling
- Crossing your arms
- Frowning and scowling
These actions can amplify the tone and temperature of any conflict. They can also block the message you’re trying to send. If negative body language is present, the person is not in a good space to listen.
Example of Positive Body Language
Sitting directly across from each other, with feet flat on the ground and hands gently resting on your thighs, creates the ideal communication posture. This position signals openness and a willingness to listen.
During arguments, couples can get so caught up in the discussion that they don’t realize they’re coming across as hostile or aggressive. Be mindful of your body language and how it might be perceived.
Use Sensitive Phrasing
It’s okay to point out things that bother you, but using more sensitive phrasing can make a big difference in how the conversation goes. For example, instead of saying, “Stop rolling your eyes at me,” try saying, “It looks like you’re frustrated when you roll your eyes at me – is that how you feel?” This approach can help both parties stay calm and focused on the issue at hand.
Recognizing and Replacing Negative Gestures
Eye-rolling and throwing your hands in the air are often attempts to regain control and attention in a relationship. Notice when you use these gestures and try replacing them with feeling words like sad, angry, or anxious. This approach helps you communicate your emotions more constructively.
Taking a Timeout
If the conversation gets too heated, consider calling a timeout. Take a break to identify your triggers separately, and then return to discuss the issues when both of you are calmer. This approach helps both parties feel heard and understood, making the conversation more productive.
4. Avoid shutting down
In any relationship, conflict is inevitable. However, how the conflict is managed will have a massive difference in the outcome. Stonewalling is a common response to conflict, where one or both partners shut down and stop communicating. It can be frustrating and hurtful for the other person and can lead to disconnection and resentment.
Stonewalling is a defense mechanism that people use when they feel overwhelmed during conflict. Instead of facing the issue, they tune out, act busy, or say they don’t want to talk anymore. Shutting down is a sign of emotional flooding, where the person’s emotions are so intense that they feel like they can’t handle the situation.
Stonewalling can manifest in different ways, such as withdrawing, avoiding eye contact, giving one-word answers, or simply walking away. It can be frustrating for the other person, who may feel like they’re talking to a wall.
How to Deal with Stonewalling
Step back and regroup if you or your partner are stonewalling during a conflict. Continuing to push the conversation when someone is in this state can be counterproductive and will escalate the conflict. Instead, take a break and return to the discussion when both parties are calm.
Research shows that taking a 20-minute break can help reduce physiological arousal and allow for a more productive conversation.
During this break, engaging in self-soothing activities, such as deep breathing, walking, or listening to calming music, will make a difference.
5. Avoid the blame game
Blaming is a common form of self-protection that people use when they are feeling vulnerable or hurt. When we blame others, we are essentially discharging our pain and trying to feel in control of the situation. However, blaming language can be incredibly destructive in intimate relationships.
When we blame our partners, we attack them and put them on the defensive. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and create resentment and mistrust. Couples who use blame language are more likely to experience conflict and are less able to resolve their issues healthily.
Take Responsibility for Our Actions
If you want to build a strong and healthy relationship, taking responsibility for your actions and your role in the relationship is essential. This means being willing to admit when you have done something wrong and being willing tomake amends.
One way to take responsibility is to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective. Instead of blaming them for the problem, try saying something like, “I can imagine how you feel.” This shows that you are willing to put yourself in their shoes and that you are open to hearing their side of the story.
Another way to take responsibility is to acknowledge your own role in the problem. Even if you only played a small part, owning up to your actions and taking steps to make things right matters. This can help rebuild trust and create astronger foundation for your relationship.
The Benefits of Empathy and Taking Responsibility
When we use empathetic language and take responsibility for our actions, we create a more positive and supportive environment in our relationships- leading to greater intimacy, trust, and satisfaction.
6. Make eye contact when you talk
When people feel uncomfortable or anxious, they can become avoidant, which can negatively impact communication. One common way people avoid awkward situations is by avoiding eye contact with the other person- creating misunderstandings, and making the other party feel disregarded or unimportant.
Why Eye Contact is Important
Eye contact is key to communication, conveying trust, interest, and connection. It helps establish a bond, express emotions, and make your message clearer to the other person.
On the other hand, avoiding eye contact can be seen as disinterest, anger, or fear. It can make the other person feel uncomfortable, unheard, or even disrespected.
How to Encourage Eye Contact
If you notice that your partner or someone you’re conversing with is avoiding eye contact, you can encourage them to look at you when you speak. However, it’s essential to ask in a supportive and loving way.
The Benefits of Maintaining Eye Contact
Maintaining eye contact can have numerous benefits, both in personal and professional relationships. Here are some of the advantages:
- Increases interaction and engagement
- Builds trust and rapport
- Helps to communicate emotions and intentions
- Shows interest and attentiveness
- Enhances intimacy and connection
- Improves cooperation and teamwork
Therefore, maintaining eye contact is paramount if you want to improve your communication skills and build stronger relationships.
7. Avoid name calling
When conversing, try to maintain a level of civility regardless of the emotions involved. Name-calling is an act of disrespect and is never acceptable. It is a behavior generally occurring when a partner is so overwhelmed with emotions that they cannot control what comes out of their mouth.
Name-calling is designed to wound the other person, but in reality, the one doing it is actually hurting.
Furthermore, name-calling takes the conversation down a level of civility, adds unwanted negative energy to the discussion, and raises the emotional temperature. It can escalate a disagreement into a heated argument and make it difficult to find a resolution.
Use Different Words to Get Your Point Across
Recognizing name-calling as unhelpful is the first step to changing this behavior. Use different words to get your point across. Instead of using hurtful words, try to express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You are always so selfish,” try saying, “I feel unheard when you do not listen to me.”
8. Avoid exaggerations
Using exaggerated language like “always” and “never” in communication with your partner can harm the relationship. These words are often an exaggeration and can put your partner on the defensive, making it difficult to resolve the issue. Couples should be mindful of the words they use and choose their language carefully to avoid misunderstandings.
Pick One Specific Instance to Talk Through
Instead of using exaggerated language, try to pick one specific instance to talk through. This will help you to stay focused and avoid getting sidetracked by other issues. Once you’ve identified the situation you want to talk about, use active listening skills to “unlearn” exaggerated tendencies. This means actively listening to your partner’s perspective without judgment or interruption.
Avoid Discounting Your Partner’s Efforts
Using exaggerated language also discounts the times when your partner did do something right or was respectful and considerate. We should acknowledge our partner’s efforts and show appreciation for what they do right. This can help build a positive atmosphere in the relationship and encourage your partner to continue improving the relationship.
9. Try to resolve unresolved issues
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you and your partner get into an argument, and before you know it, you’re bringing up past issues?
Arguing about past issues is not uncommon in relationships and often happens when resentments from unresolved or traumatic issues surface, causing tension and further strain on the relationship.
While some may think addressing past issues is necessary for closure, it’s not always the best approach. We should recognize that it’s not the past situation that needs to be brought up but the familiar feeling you may have in the current situation.
If the past situation made you feel insecure, and you are experiencing the same feelings in the current situation, it’s essential to convey your needs to your partner.
Dealing with Unresolved Issues
It’s not uncommon for people to have unresolved issues from their past that affect their current relationships. If you or your partner are unwilling or unable to attend therapy, there are other methods to work on these issues.
Self-help books are a great way to start.
10. Learn to focus on one topic at a time
Have you ever been in a conversation where you found yourself jumping from one topic to another, unable to fully grasp the essence of the discussion? This happens because our minds are not designed to focus on multiple things simultaneously during an effective conversation.
That’s why focusing on one topic at a time is crucial.
This approach lets you express your feelings and allows your partner to validate and empathize with you, and vice versa.
The Benefits of Focusing on One Topic at a Time
- Deeper Understanding: By discussing one issue at a time, you’ll be able to delve deeper into the problem and understand each other’s perspectives. This, in turn, will help you develop a more effective solution.
- Reduced Confusion: When you focus on one topic, it reduces the chances of confusion and misunderstandings.You’ll be able to communicate your thoughts clearly, and your partner will better understand what you’re trying to say.
- Increased Productivity: By having a focused conversation, you’ll be able to develop a solution more efficiently. This will lead to a more productive and satisfying conversation for both parties.
Focusing on one topic at a time and having a productive conversation can strengthen your bond with your partner and resolve any issues.
11. Learn how to listen and connect
A common mistake couples make is not listening to each other. It’s essential to listen to your partner the same way you listen to your close friends. Being empathetic and understanding towards your partner can create a strong bond that lasts a lifetime.
Why Listening to Your Partner is Important?
Regarding relationships, our partners are the ones closest to us emotionally. We tend to take them for granted, assuming that we know everything about them. However, we must understand that our partners evolve and change over time, just as we do. Listening to your partner can help you grow together and stay connected.
How to Listen to Your Partner Effectively?
- Give your partner your full attention when they’re talking to you. Avoid all distractions and focus on the conversation.
- Listen to understand, not to respond. Try to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
- Take notes if necessary and repeat what you heard. This technique can help you remember what your partner said and show them that you’re listening.
- Avoid interrupting your partner when they’re speaking. Give them space to express themselves fully before you respond.
- Ask questions if you’re not sure what your partner means. Clarifying their message can help you avoid misunderstandings and conflicts.
Remember that listening is a skill that requires practice. It’s never too late to start working on your communication skills with your partner. By listening to your partner, you can strengthen your relationship and build a deeper connection that lasts a lifetime.
12. Avoid attacking their character
Disagreements and arguments are bound to happen when you’re in a relationship. However, how you communicate during these conflicts can significantly impact your relationship’s outcome and health.
One common communication mistake that can be detrimental to your relationship is attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing the situation at hand. This is an attempt to shift the focus away from the negative consequences of the situation and avoid dealing with it.
Deflecting can be a defense mechanism to avoid feelings of guilt or shame. However, this behavior can be very damaging to your relationship, leading to resentment and a lack of trust.
Use “I” Statements
When you’re in a conflict with your partner, focus on the situation, not attacking their character. This can be achieved by using “I” statements to communicate your emotions effectively. By saying, “I feel ___when you___ because you ___,” you can express your feelings without attacking your partner.
Using “I” statements can help your partner understand your perspective and lead to a more productive conversation.Sticking to communication basics like this is fundamental, especially during a conflict.
Combatting an Attack
If you or your partner does attack each other’s character during a conflict, immediately address it. One way to do this is using the “five positive things” method. This method suggests that the attacker should say five positive things for every negative comment or attack to balance it out.
This method shows how damaging criticism can be in a conflict. Practicing this method can help your partner realize the impact of their words and help them be more mindful in the future.
13. Know that your timing matters
Have you ever found yourself in an argument when you’re tired, hungry, or have had too many drinks? If so, you’re not alone.
These factors can lead to heightened emotions and poor decision-making, making it hard to have a productive conversation. If you or your partner aren’t in the right headspace, it’s best to postpone the discussion. Let your partner know that the issue will be addressed, just not at this moment.
Scheduling the Conversation
Once you’ve identified the need for a conversation, find a mutually agreeable time to have it. This might involve setting aside specific time on the calendar or finding a time when both partners are available and free from distractions.
When scheduling the conversation, it’s essential to consider both partners’ needs and preferences. For example, if one partner is a morning person and the other is a night owl, it might be best to schedule the conversation when both partners are feeling their best.
Preparing for the Conversation
In addition to finding the right time for the conversation, it’s also essential to prepare for it. This might involve taking some time to reflect on your thoughts and feelings before the conversation or gathering any information that might be helpful to share.
Ensure you’re not famished, exhausted, or feeling under the weather before the conversation. Taking care of your physical needs can help you stay focused and present during the conversation, leading to better outcomes.
14. Avoid constant criticism
When you’re feeling angry or frustrated, it can be difficult not to criticize your partner. However, constantly criticizing your partner can have a negative impact on your relationship. It can cause your partner to feel attacked, hurt, or defensive, leading to a breakdown in communication and trust.
The Importance of Vulnerable Sharing
Resolving relationship issues requires vulnerable sharing—opening up about what we see as weaknesses or revealing our insecurities and anxieties. While it’s not easy, having these difficult and uncomfortable conversations about criticism is crucial for finding resolution.
Opening up and sharing our emotions can increase intimacy and connection within our relationship. When we share our vulnerabilities, we allow our partners to see us for who we truly are, and this can lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other.
The Negative Effects of Criticism
Criticizing can be a way for your partner to show power and control a situation. This can cause your partner to feel belittled or unappreciated, leading to resentment and a lack of trust. In addition, criticism can cause your partner to withdraw emotionally, leading to a breakdown in communication and intimacy.
How to Express Your Needs
Start by expressing yourself by naming the emotion you feel when your partner does x; then, articulate how your partner can meet your needs. By doing this, you’re expressing your emotions and providing a solution to the problem versus outright criticizing your partner for either not doing something or doing something wrong.
- Express how you feel in a non-confrontational way
- Be clear about what you need from your partner
- Listen to your partner’s perspective
- Work together to find a solution that works for both of you
15. Avoid bad-mouthing their family
It’s not uncommon for couples to have disagreements and arguments from time to time. Unfortunately, during these heated moments, it’s easy to say things we regret later. One common mistake that couples make is bad-mouthing each other’s family.
The Consequences of Criticizing Your Partner’s Family
Criticizing your spouse’s family can hurt both your partner and their family, even if your comments are true. It’s important to respect this boundary and avoid involving family in conflicts.
When people are angry, they often say hurtful things to their spouse that they wouldn’t say calmly. This can turn into a damaging game of “one-upping.” Even if you have a valid point, it’s not the right time to bring it up.
The Importance of Boundaries in a Relationship
Every relationship has boundaries that should be respected. Bad-mouthing your partner’s family during a fight not only crosses that boundary but can also cause long-term damage to your relationship.
- It can create resentment and hurt feelings towards you and your family.
- It can cause your partner to feel defensive and less willing to work towards a resolution.
- It can cause a breakdown in communication and trust.
How to Handle Hurt Feelings
Once things have calmed down, the person who was hurt should let their partner know how they feel. This helps both partners work toward a resolution and move past the hurt. Avoid psychoanalyzing your partner or involving family during the fight.
Remember, respect and boundaries are crucial in any relationship. By avoiding bad-mouthing your partner’s family, you show that you value and respect their family and their relationship with them.
16. Take responsibility
When conflicts arise, taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledging your role in the situation is crucial. Thishelps resolve the conflict and strengthens the relationship with your partner.
Owning Up to Mistakes
Taking responsibility for your mistakes can be hard, but it shows strength. It demonstrates to your partner that you’re ready to acknowledge your role in the conflict and work towards a solution.
By owning up to your mistakes, you’re taking steps toward preventing the same conflict from happening again. It also allows you to learn from your mistakes and grow as an individual.
Refusing to Take Responsibility
However, some people may find taking responsibility for their actions challenging. They may refuse to acknowledge their mistakes and continue to blame others.
This response could be due to past trauma, such as rejection, betrayal, blame, or abuse. They may see themselves as the victim in the situation, and taking responsibility feels like admitting defeat.
Recognizing the Cause
It’s essential to recognize why you may be refusing to take responsibility. Reflect on your past experiences and the impact they may have had on your behavior.
By acknowledging the root cause of your actions, you can work towards healing and improving your relationships. It’s a step towards taking control of your life and overcoming any past trauma.
17. Avoid Defensiveness
A common pitfall of any relationship is getting defensive. It can happen to anyone at any time, leading to a breakdown in communication and trust. When one person in a relationship becomes defensive, it’s not just unfair to them but also to their partner and their relationship as a whole.
Take a Step Back and Reflect
If you get defensive during a conversation with your partner, take a step back and reflect on why you feel this way. Ask yourself if there was a time in your life when you felt similar to the way you do now. Sometimes, being “triggered” by something means that there’s a historical component to address. If that’s the case, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist.
Slow Down and Validate
It’s natural to feel defensive when someone is upset with you. However, instead of immediately becoming defensive, try slowing the conversation down. Repeat what you heard to ensure that you actually understood what was said.
Next, validate what was said and empathize with your partner. Try to see things from their perspective and consider how they might feel. This approach will enhance intimacy and strengthen your emotional connection.
- Reflect on why you’re feeling defensive
- Slow the conversation down
- Repeat what you heard to ensure understanding
- Validate what was said
- Empathize with your partner
